Black Relationships : Who should be hurt, who should feel ashamed?

[panafrica]

Kool_Aid Smile at least recognizes that she makes bad choices in men (and that she doesn't know what she wants from them). This is a important self-evaluation that many women twice her age do not make. The 1st step in resolving a problem is realizing that you have one, which Kool Aid has already done. Of course the more difficult step is doing something about it. NN Queen, Jazzymoonchild, and Toylin all gave great advice from the female perspective (probably the easiest for you to relate). From the male perspective...I have noticed through observation that abusive men are somewhat like predators.

I truly hate to compare people with animals; however, if you watch animal documentaries. You learn that predators don't target their victims at random...they specifically go after the sick, old, and weak. If these same predators (Lion, Tiger, Wolf, etc) target healthy animals, they might get fought back, and hurt themselves. As a result, they avoid these confrontations at all cost. Abusive men are the same, they target weak woman (not necessarily in body, but in mind). Women with low self-esteem or family issues (particularly with the father)...they seek a woman who will love him (the abuser) more than she loves herself! Indeed this is the only type of woman who will take his abuse. Any other woman will either fight him back, or just leave him outright without a second thought. For this reason you have to be aware of the vibes you put out for men, and how you carry yourself when you are around them.

 

[Realguyjeff]

The first thing to do when trying to build any type of structure is to have a strong foundation, without that it won't matter what type of curtains you use over the windows because the thing won't stand anyway. Find strength elsewhere.

 

[Koolaid_smile]

James, professional help is not for everyone and it certainly isn't for me. I aired out these personal problems maybe because I could look for other solutions. You deal with your stuff in private obviously. If I just deal with it in privately, I will erupt. I need guidance, true, but not through a shrink. Why pay for advice when I can get it for free?

I am changing my number and even cutting off ties with his mother. Thank you all for your input and understanding. He's even messing things up between my parents and me in our home. I have alienated some friends because of him. I just don't understand why I didn't see the problems like everyone else. I've made too many mistakes with him, and I hope to God I will not run into any other man like him again.