Is it fair to ask your partner about their past? How much are you willing to share? How much do you want to know? Is it relevant? Do you think the information is helpful, or harmful to your relationship? At what point would you discuss these things, if ever? Will you hold it against them?
I believe it's fair if something comes up that triggers a conversation. There is no need to discuss your entire past.
If a picture that is in the bottom of a box in the garage is found.
That picture may be a source of a discussion.
Especially if the ownership of the picture is clear. It's hers.
Her man knows who this guy is.
He suspects that in his brief absence that guy was sniffing around his girl, and knowing him too personally.
He recognizes a wall the guy is leaning on.
This wall is outside the home where his girl stays.
That dude always had an eye open, and was waiting always in the wings for that moment of opportunity.
Her man sees the picture because his girl is going thru her box.
She places this one photo to the left, other photos of well known family and friends on the right.
The suspect photo stands out.
The guy signed in his own hand writing his full first and last name at the bottom, of the picture.
She is asked. Who is this? Her man ask without accusations. She replies I don't know!
Then it is time for a serious talk.
It is fair, and time to ask your partner about their past?
" Who is he / she, and what does he / she mean to you! "
- Yes... in this case she needs to answer a few pertinent questions.
- Her man says, if you don't know who he is why, is his picture in your box? Her reply, should have been to tell the truth and take ownership about the photo.
- She is told by her man. I know who this N***** is, to her reply of not knowing him. She shows she knows and has some attachment to the photo and the guy in the picture. She cared when her man, takes the picture, balls it up and throws it in the trash.
- She walks over and retrieves the picture because it means something to her. She uncrumbles it and places it back on the left, of all the pictures. All by it's self of her sorting's.
- Her man grabs the picture again, and states. You do know who he is. Did you date him? Slide between the sheets?
- No, was her reply. That isn't really true. Her man knows better. Total denial on her part. Deceitful on her part. To a major degree, cold caught, busted and it is all really clear to her man.
- So her man says, if you don't know ( this N***** ) him. Then I'm going to take the photo and burn it up. Destroy it..... ( the rest of this story dies with me. )
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- How much are you willing to share?
- In this case. She did not, and should have come clean. She cheated on her man, years ago. When the skeleton shows up. Denial is all she has.
- How much do you want to know?
- Everything about the subject at hand.
- Very much so.
- Do you think the information is helpful, or harmful to your relationship?
- It is both helpful, and it is very harmful to the relationship. Harmful more now. Both her man knows this guy, and she knows this guy. now he is a topic of a serious discussion.
- At what point would you discuss these things, if ever?
- Immediately. Relationship past interactions, that introduce themselves out of a situation. Are fair game to bring-up, talk about and work out. Things that matter should be discussed right away. In the time relevant. If that moment in time and place isn't relevant or good. Then the subject should be discussed immediately when they get home.
- Will you hold it against them?
- The cards are on the table. Stacked against one or the other. Come clean. Even a crazy sounding statement, like I had a moment of weakness. May be workable. Keep the trust and honesty in the relationship. An understanding mate. Can work it out with the other if the relationship has honesty.
Would ( " I " ) hold it against them.
Yes if it unfolded like my example.
