Black Relationships : Should You Discuss Your Past With Your Partner?

Discussion in 'Black Relationships' started by Liberty, Feb 25, 2016.

?

Should You Discuss Your Past With Your Partner?

This poll will close on Feb 25, 2026 at 11:46 PM.
  1. Yes

    66.7%
  2. No

    33.3%
  1. Liberty

    Liberty going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

    Country:
    United States
    Joined:
    Aug 28, 2015
    Messages:
    5,891
    Likes Received:
    1,130
    Gender:
    Female
    Ratings:
    +3,252
    Is it fair to ask your partner about their past? How much are you willing to share? How much do you want to know? Is it relevant? Do you think the information is helpful, or harmful to your relationship? At what point would you discuss these things, if ever? Will you hold it against them?
     
  2. Angela22

    Angela22 Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Country:
    United States
    Joined:
    Feb 26, 2013
    Messages:
    6,594
    Likes Received:
    2,895
    Gender:
    Female
    Ratings:
    +3,323
    Yes. Our past is part of what makes us who we are today, at present, even if it's no longer who we are anymore.

    Everything.

    Everything.

    I think even if it isn't, it'd be interesting to know. That's just how I feel when I'm deeply invested in someone. I want my soul to truly be in touch with their own, whether the details are great or small.

    Depends.

    When it's serious enough. That is, the commitment is certain.

    Again, depends. I mean, him sleeping with men in his past vs him having cheated on a girlfriend in his past weighs differently in my eyes.
     
  3. Kemetstry

    Kemetstry going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

    Country:
    United States
    Joined:
    Feb 19, 2001
    Messages:
    20,980
    Likes Received:
    5,250
    Gender:
    Male
    Occupation:
    Chemist
    Location:
    Detroit
    Ratings:
    +6,148
    If you are an item or about to become one. Yes, you should know about their past and they yours





    .
     
  4. Enki

    Enki The Evolved Amphibian STAFF

    Country:
    United States
    Joined:
    Aug 27, 2010
    Messages:
    8,153
    Likes Received:
    4,926
    Gender:
    Male
    Occupation:
    Civil Eng.
    Location:
    The Third Plane of Existence
    Ratings:
    +5,928
    Thank you for this question sista Liberty!!!

    Brutha Kemetstry used the perfect criteria that should be used to answer this question. For me if it's just a "run of the mill" type of relationship and I know it's not going anywhere, I will only tell general things like I stole a sucka once as a child.

    Peace!
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • List
  5. HODEE

    HODEE Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Country:
    United States
    Joined:
    Jul 2, 2003
    Messages:
    4,912
    Likes Received:
    613
    Gender:
    Male
    Occupation:
    (RF) Technician
    Location:
    ( Alonewolf ) California.. by way of the LOU
    Ratings:
    +795
    I believe it's fair if something comes up that triggers a conversation. There is no need to discuss your entire past.

    If a picture that is in the bottom of a box in the garage is found.
    That picture may be a source of a discussion.

    Especially if the ownership of the picture is clear. It's hers.
    Her man knows who this guy is.
    He suspects that in his brief absence that guy was sniffing around his girl, and knowing him too personally.
    He recognizes a wall the guy is leaning on.
    This wall is outside the home where his girl stays.
    That dude always had an eye open, and was waiting always in the wings for that moment of opportunity.
    Her man sees the picture because his girl is going thru her box.
    She places this one photo to the left, other photos of well known family and friends on the right.
    The suspect photo stands out.
    The guy signed in his own hand writing his full first and last name at the bottom, of the picture.
    She is asked. Who is this? Her man ask without accusations. She replies I don't know!

    Then it is time for a serious talk.
    It is fair, and time to ask your partner about their past?
    • Yes... in this case she needs to answer a few pertinent questions.
    1. Her man says, if you don't know who he is why, is his picture in your box? Her reply, should have been to tell the truth and take ownership about the photo.
    2. She is told by her man. I know who this N***** is, to her reply of not knowing him. She shows she knows and has some attachment to the photo and the guy in the picture. She cared when her man, takes the picture, balls it up and throws it in the trash.
    3. She walks over and retrieves the picture because it means something to her. She uncrumbles it and places it back on the left, of all the pictures. All by it's self of her sorting's.
    4. Her man grabs the picture again, and states. You do know who he is. Did you date him? Slide between the sheets?
    5. No, was her reply. That isn't really true. Her man knows better. Total denial on her part. Deceitful on her part. To a major degree, cold caught, busted and it is all really clear to her man.
    6. So her man says, if you don't know ( this N***** ) him. Then I'm going to take the photo and burn it up. Destroy it..... ( the rest of this story dies with me. )
    ==================================
    • How much are you willing to share?
    1. In this case. She did not, and should have come clean. She cheated on her man, years ago. When the skeleton shows up. Denial is all she has.
    • How much do you want to know?
    1. Everything about the subject at hand.
    • Is it relevant?
    1. Very much so.
    • Do you think the information is helpful, or harmful to your relationship?
    1. It is both helpful, and it is very harmful to the relationship. Harmful more now. Both her man knows this guy, and she knows this guy. now he is a topic of a serious discussion.
    • At what point would you discuss these things, if ever?
    1. Immediately. Relationship past interactions, that introduce themselves out of a situation. Are fair game to bring-up, talk about and work out. Things that matter should be discussed right away. In the time relevant. If that moment in time and place isn't relevant or good. Then the subject should be discussed immediately when they get home.
    • Will you hold it against them?
    1. The cards are on the table. Stacked against one or the other. Come clean. Even a crazy sounding statement, like I had a moment of weakness. May be workable. Keep the trust and honesty in the relationship. An understanding mate. Can work it out with the other if the relationship has honesty.
    Would ( " I " ) hold it against them.
    Yes if it unfolded like my example.
     
  6. jamesfrmphilly

    jamesfrmphilly going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

    Country:
    United States
    Joined:
    Jun 18, 2004
    Messages:
    32,017
    Likes Received:
    11,483
    Gender:
    Male
    Occupation:
    retired computer geek
    Location:
    north philly ghetto
    Ratings:
    +13,745
    :SuN020:ain't got no past......
     
  7. Enki

    Enki The Evolved Amphibian STAFF

    Country:
    United States
    Joined:
    Aug 27, 2010
    Messages:
    8,153
    Likes Received:
    4,926
    Gender:
    Male
    Occupation:
    Civil Eng.
    Location:
    The Third Plane of Existence
    Ratings:
    +5,928
    Sure you do Elder, time still flowed while you read the OP and made this one. So you could tell her about that short part of 5 min.:10300:

    you aint got no fancy smanchie time stoppin watch:time: do ya.....:popcorn1:

    Peace!
     
  8. Liberty

    Liberty going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

    Country:
    United States
    Joined:
    Aug 28, 2015
    Messages:
    5,891
    Likes Received:
    1,130
    Gender:
    Female
    Ratings:
    +3,252
    Thanks for posting Angela.

    You are fearless! I am a do not ask, do not tell partner....LOL


    If I am contemplating getting into a relationship with someone, I have a lot of general questions about their past relationships. One guy I was interested in revealed to me to me that he had to attend anger management, "because his ex-wife concocted some false stories against him". He talked about it without ending, on every date. In my mind I couldn't conceive of his version of being completely innocent could be true. Or, at least it wasn't a chance I was willing to take. Without telling him why, I bowed out. Also, before getting into a relationship, I want to know if a person has any STDs. I would ask them, but I would also require testing.

    Most of what I need to know, I want to find out at that particular time just prior to entering a relationship. After you are in a relationship, you have caught feelings, it's much harder to bow out, even if you know you should. If I had been with this guy 2 years, and then I found out he was a wife beater, it would have been difficult to extricate myself from the relationship. Just like if I had fallen deeply in love with a man only to find out he was bisexual. What would I do? I know the right thing to do, in my head. But, would my heart rule over my head? I don't know.
     
  9. Liberty

    Liberty going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

    Country:
    United States
    Joined:
    Aug 28, 2015
    Messages:
    5,891
    Likes Received:
    1,130
    Gender:
    Female
    Ratings:
    +3,252
    Now, when you guys are all speaking about telling it all, are you including your sexual pasts? In my experience, men ask about your sexual past all nonchalant, and it's all good at the time. BUT LATER, their insecurities start to get the best of them. They wanna know, who's the biggest, who's the best, etc., etc. Of course, the answer is always "You baby!" But, the questions never cease, once the can of worms is open. Now, when the questions start I just want to shut 'em down from the onset. And, if he starts off trying to tell me about his past, I wanna shut that down, too. Cuz I know that's just a ploy to turn the convo around to ask me to open up. Don't ask me NUTHIN'


     
  10. Liberty

    Liberty going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

    Country:
    United States
    Joined:
    Aug 28, 2015
    Messages:
    5,891
    Likes Received:
    1,130
    Gender:
    Female
    Ratings:
    +3,252

    Scoot over HODEE, I'm riding with you. I ain't giving up no info, except on a need to know basis. I enjoyed reading your scenario. Your writing skills are so on point. The post read like a vision before my eyes. It is certainly worthy of a chapter in a book, or a scene in a movie or play.

    The way I interpreted it, if the woman had explained all of this out of the blue, before the picture had been found, she would have been courting unnecessary trouble. But, once the picture was found, she should have came all the way clean as soon as she was asked about it. By lying about it, she shot herself in the foot. She would have done better if she had told him the truth.

    Excellent post!



     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • List
Loading...