Black Relationships : Help me ya'll!!!

Discussion in 'Black Relationships' started by mahoganyqueen, Nov 15, 2004.

  1. mahoganyqueen

    mahoganyqueen Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Strong, intelligent black women I need ya'll to help me. Seven months ago I started my first real, deep relationship. It has also been my longest. This relationship has been an adventure for me and also a learning experience. I have found that I am a person who wants to "wear the pants" in the relationship. I have always been a take charge kind of person. Unfortunately, I have found out that you cannot be this way in a relationship. People say that I constantly "check" my boyfriend. I always deny this accusation, but in the back of my mind I know it's true. He just recently said that I treat him like that and its got to stop. I am afraid of becoming a submissive woman in the process of trying to be a "good" girlfriend. How do I find the harmony of not losing my warrior side without surpressing his? Help me out. :confused:
     
  2. plainrhythm

    plainrhythm Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    ok ma, look. i know exactly what u feelin. the problem is, you haven't stated why you keep checking him! is it insecurity? or u just don't trust him?
    you see, a relationship goes both ways. and if one side is starting to trip, the relationship falls! it's nothing that i can fix, or anybody else. it's all in the communication between the two of you as a whole.

    how to stay a warrior? well firstly, keep your dignity. there are certain limits/boundaries that your man just can't cross! but as a woman, you must remember that a man lookin weak to a woman in front of his friends is a whole lot worse than his butt showin at a football game! let him keep his ego by not checking on him, be more of his woman than his mother.
    secondly, you must also always tell yourself that the skirt fits you, and so do the pants. the new age remember? you gotta make sure it's an equal relationship. he can cook too! you don't have to do it all, thats the beauty of it. and until you gatt the hang of that, you are a true warrior!!!

    i dunno if this helps, but i tried. good luck.
    much love. plain.
     
  3. HODEE

    HODEE Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Do you check him because you have been lied to before? Pushing on him the quilt of another will send him running for the door. In a relationship one has to take into consideration the wishes of their mate. When this isn't a component. Then the relationship becomes dead weight. Don't deny the truth. It's a reality you should face. Tell him if you can the reason you know why you check on his pace. Plain laid out some good reasons, and some advice I find is true. If you don't be somewhat submissive how can he show he will take care of you? If he isn't doing it. In a way you think he should. Then take out your tools of taking charge is something you should do.

    Good Luck...
     
  4. CarrieMonet

    CarrieMonet Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Nothing wrong with being a little submissive....just my opinion, it give you an opportunity to really see how your man's mind works when things go his way, you may even find that you like it.

    It is hard to first become really vulnerable with someone...seems like you're fighting that urge.
     
  5. river

    river Watch Her Flow MEMBER

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    I feel you deeply and know it is not easy to let go of control. I was recently married (Oct. 2) after spending the first twenty years of my adult life on my own. Suddenly the things that people admired and made it possible for me to survive in the single life were wron, selfish, inconsiderate, controlling. I had a lot of adjusting to do. Fortunately my husband understood all this and was willing to work with me. I'm not saying we never had a knock down drag out fight but we worked together.

    One of the things I had to learn was to never ever argue with or correct him in front of others. Silence is an art, not for the weak but for the wise. If you disagree with something take it home and let him know there. Lay out your concerns as someone who can reasonably negotiate with him not someone who is demanding to have things your way.
     
  6. soulfulmixx

    soulfulmixx Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    i can usually go on and on on topics that touch home .. but ill just be brief for this is a very serious topic for me..

    sista i feel u completely..i to had to struggled with this same situation..

    my sista.. u should never have to stop being "you"for anyone.. and neither does he.. COMMUNICATION is the key here..if both are willing to communicate, LISTEN compromise, value and respect the other---( working with each other to form the relationship that is desired for both) if u have this i say praise to the most high... and thank him/her for such a blessing. IT TAKES TWO! so maybe u may need to back off a little without losing "yourself"along the way,as well as really exploring your feeling of why u "want to wear the pants"..( why is this necessary) talk to him girl express yourself so he can have a better understanding of who and why "U" are..he might opt not to quickly get angry with your action s if he understands why you are the way u are...then u both can discuss it..
    you both can wear the pants... u both can be the balance for the other.. let this be an understanding for u both.. ur trying to develop a relationship not a competition or authority over the other..

    listen respect and value the other.. communicate and understand it takes work.. express yourself.. let him kno how u feel... this worked for me
     
  7. deepy

    deepy going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    all the sisters and the brothers have expressed good ideas and i don't know what to add on that level...
    however it is important for you to understand that you aare working on keeping this relationship...cause the moment you started the thread you were saying i see myself a little clearer, and i have areas of myself i need to grow in....i need help doing it, but i have already started the process.
    don't forget that my sister...you aare holding on tothe inner survival, inner strength.. and growing...
    i liked rivers response of bring it home..don't do it outside..malcolm said that also .. don't air your dirty laundry outside...
    my mother always said a regular size bed is the best...so that you have to touch somewhere in the night...and it will help you get pass the tensions..
    i still have a 72" bed!
     
  8. yaphet al-wynn

    yaphet al-wynn Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Sisters, read the book of Esther and take a lesson from it. Checking a man in private ain't bad. Vashti's checking her husband in public in front of others was a very basic faux pas that women in a relationship hardly recover from. When the King assembled his advisers, he knew what the answer was before he even asked it, but he did it for perhaps 2 reasons 1. To see if the advisers advice would line up to what he was thinking already and 2. The most basic-Vashti had very good p------nanny that he just was very reluctant to let go of-but had to. Maybe my reasoning is very wrong but not too far off.
     
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