Black Relationships : Help, before I make it worse.

Discussion in 'Black Relationships' started by MsInterpret, Jan 19, 2010.

  1. MsInterpret

    MsInterpret Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Hello, this is my first thread and Post!

    Anyways, Maybe this is all in my head and I am using what has happened to me in the past as an excuse to believe he is losing interest in me.

    Here is the situation:

    I have known this man for 12 years. We did not formally date, but we did our thing on and off through the years. There was always something there we were just in two different points in our lives to express how we really felt. We had not spoken in awhile, but recently we reconnected and fell in love. The bad part is that we are not longer in the same state with each other. He is in California and I in Washington state. We talk every day. And every morning he either calls or texts to say good morning. He has always told me how he feels about me and I love it.

    Now here is where I come in and mess it up.

    He has been having issues financially lately. So, he's become hard on himself and I know how I have been acting is not exactly helping. Sometimes I call and he won't answer his phone and then I start to think he doesn't care for me any more. So, I call or text him a nasty messages. He later tells me to stop talking to him like that and that I am overreacting and that he would never neglect my call on purpose. He has also told me that he understands that I have been hurt in the past, and that he is not going to throw salt on old wounds.
    I realize I am very needy and that I am bringing the past into what I have now. I don't know how to get over this and move on and enjoy what I have without the doubt. What should I do?

    **P.S. He wants to get married and tells me all the time...He really is a good man**
     
  2. rankin

    rankin New Member MEMBER

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    Greetings...

    I read your post and I do have to ask... If you know what you are doing incorrectly, then why do you continue to do it?

    It sounds like things aren't going as smoothly as b4, however, you've already taken a chance on this thing called love. And thart's beautiful!

    There's an reggae artist named Admiral Bailey, and during one of his intro's to one of his songs he says, "You must not fall in love, you must STAND in love... "

    My take is, this is the universe wanting to find out, if you'll fall or stand in love...

    I hope you are aware of the things that you can and can not control. The mind is a terrible thing, when it runs wild. But there is always strength in numbers.

    Keep the communication lines open as possible. Maybe this will releave some anxiety. But most of all, get abck to having some fun with your King. Come up with some creative ideas that would take some of the tension.

    Hope this helps.
    Guidance.
     
  3. MsInterpret

    MsInterpret Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Thank you for your advice! I suppose the reason why I do it is because of what I am used to from my past experiences. A lot of it is fear and preparation of getting hurt again.
     
  4. jamesfrmphilly

    jamesfrmphilly going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    it ain't that deep....

    it's just a man. it ain't that deep. you need to chill out.
    like the man said. if you know what you doin is wrong, why you doin it?
     
  5. MsInterpret

    MsInterpret Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    If it were "just a man" I don't think I would be asking for help. This is the man I want to be with. I'm seeking advice to help me to stop doing what I am doing because I keep doing it over and over. Oh and 12 years is deep.
     
  6. jamesfrmphilly

    jamesfrmphilly going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    it is not that deep...

    you been around for 12 years and you do not have a commitment that you feel is secure? that is not deep to me.

    you keep doing stuff that you feel is wrong. why? you do not have control over your self? why?
    if you are too anxious you need some therapy or some meditation or something to calm your feelings.
    i offered you the first step by suggesting that it is not all that deep.
    if you stop looking at it as a life or death situation maybe you can relax.

    you say that you are looking for advice but when it is offered you blow it off.
    what are you really looking for?
     
  7. Clyde C Coger Jr

    Clyde C Coger Jr going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    In the Spirit of Sankofa and Real Truth!




    MsInterpret,

    Again, welcome to Destee.com, the best site on the Internet for Black People, for real. Enjoyed our Chat, get a mic and see you next time. Also, try some of the things we agreed on, lol....That should take you a long way.

    Peace In my sister.

     
  8. MsInterpret

    MsInterpret Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I've had a lot of bad relationships in the past so I guess this is the reason why react the way I do...

    LOL no one is looking at it as a life or death situation...If you had read I had said that were in two different points in our lives and that's why we weren't able to get together.
     
  9. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    learn to love beyond the past for what's upon you now for the future
    knowing your mistake and correcting them with understanding goes a
    long way , if he going through something be supportive of his needs
    12 years you should know him well enough to be more secured.

    you should allow him room as well the supporting love communicate
    and overstand his problems as well he should be to your , y'all sound
    like two people who care for one another , the time is near for bonding
    and a new found long commitment relationship....Good luck and welcome
    to destee.com family
     
  10. blkbutterfly41

    blkbutterfly41 Banned MEMBER

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    The hardest task is to love like you've never been hurt ....

    Hey Sis.....................

    This is my POV , Hopefully it will help.

    The hardest thing in any developing relationship is to love like you've never been hurt.

    Based solely on the information provided, take time to heal, Really heal before you consider marriage. Because the relationship was off and on for over 12 years I assume a lot went on in the 12 years as it pertains to why you did not connect sooner.


    Use the distance to your advantage. Work on the communication and more importantly the trust. That means you have to learn to rely on other things rather then his physical presense.

    Work on self. You can't go wrong. Examine why you feel so insecure about the relationship. Be specific. Put some self disciplnary measures up to stop your mind from racing.

    You can know of a person for years. But you only really know them if they allow you too. If your confidant that you know him. Then relax, And get to know yourself and trust your instincts, not necessarily your history.

    Examine the bad relationships and the mistakes you made in those relationships even if its just the manner that you choose those previous partners. Learn for THAT and throw the rest away.

    It not only takes time but It is what you do in that time, that determines the amount of baggage that we carry over.

    Last but not least, if you trust him to that extent. Talk to him, Let him know your fears as it pertains to your relationship with him and the distance. ( Especally if your considering marrying him ) You may be able to come to an happy medium which will allow you to feel more secure with each other. Put your guard down, if you're that close to marriage. We can be naked with our partners and let them know our vunerablities.

    If he is all the man that you say, You might be surprised. And that does strenghten the relationship.

    All relationships takes work from both parties at all times. Nothing worthwhile comes easy. There is no guarantees in love and relationships. You took the first steps, You might as well go all the way.

    My POV


    I truly hope I've help, and I wish you the best.

    Welcome and Peace


     
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