Black Relationships : Help, before I make it worse.

[Clyde C Coger Jr]

In the Spirit of Sankofa and Real Truth!

SMH...wow lol

MsInterpret,

Remember this:

MsInterpret,

You are now officially apart of the Family and the collective is responding, pick and choose what you can use without and within emotions...Peace In my sister friend.

 

[MsInterpret]

MsInterpret,

Remember this:

I don't have time to argue and debate with people on the internet who call me a loser...so I SMH, laugh and move on...

 

[Clyde C Coger Jr]

In the Spirit of Sankofa and Real Truth!

I don't have time to argue and debate with people on the internet who call me a loser...so I SMH, laugh and move on...

Peace In my sister friend, pick and choose and keep it moving is right, MsInterpret.

 

[skuderjaymes]

Hello, this is my first thread and Post!

Anyways, Maybe this is all in my head and I am using what has happened to me in the past as an excuse to believe he is losing interest in me.

Here is the situation:

I have known this man for 12 years. We did not formally date, but we did our thing on and off through the years. There was always something there we were just in two different points in our lives to express how we really felt. We had not spoken in awhile, but recently we reconnected and fell in love. The bad part is that we are not longer in the same state with each other. He is in California and I in Washington state. We talk every day. And every morning he either calls or texts to say good morning. He has always told me how he feels about me and I love it.

Now here is where I come in and mess it up.

He has been having issues financially lately. So, he's become hard on himself and I know how I have been acting is not exactly helping. Sometimes I call and he won't answer his phone and then I start to think he doesn't care for me any more. So, I call or text him a nasty messages. He later tells me to stop talking to him like that and that I am overreacting and that he would never neglect my call on purpose. He has also told me that he understands that I have been hurt in the past, and that he is not going to throw salt on old wounds.
I realize I am very needy and that I am bringing the past into what I have now. I don't know how to get over this and move on and enjoy what I have without the doubt. What should I do?

**P.S. He wants to get married and tells me all the time...He really is a good man**

I guess it all depends on what you want.. and what he wants.. and if their is enough
overlap in enough areas to make it work.. and if the two of you are mature enough
to hold it together through the challenges that come at you in life.. that's a huge
challenge.. you can't really fix people.. you can think you can, but you really can't.

speaking as a man that was once young and single.. I'd say, if you have been his standbye
chick for all these years.. meaning.. if he's been able to fade in and out of your life for
all those years.. get sex and companionship for a while then step away.. and still comeback
later.. if he has had that option for all that time.. why would he want to give that up?
if he can have the goodies and keep the money.. why pay? And another aspect that you
may need to consider is.. Men don't normally want anybody in their mix.. we don't even
want to imagine someone else having sex with our women.. unless, we don't really care
about her.. if it's just a physical relationship, what she does doesn't really matter so
much.. so, if he's willing to let you go and come back and go and comeback.. he may
not care as much as you think he does.. and that doesn't make him a bad guy.. it's
just that sex is so powerful.. that it can override everything else.. that's why you shouldn't
have sex with someone that has not committed himself to you.. and if you do have sex
with someone not committed to you, don't expect anything more than sex.. and wrap it up.​

 

[skuderjaymes]

I suppose I should explain more about the situation...And yes I am looking for advice...But my summary about the ins and outs on what is really going on was not too specific...Also, I'm not very good at writing my thoughts out either lol

The 12 years I had known him we were not involved in a serious relationship. Like I said before "we were in two different parts of our lives." Mainly, he was doing things (illegal) that I could not be apart of...So we had a falling out...He stopped what he was doing in the past and got himself into school, and now own his own barber shop...I am very proud of him!

Now in my past I had serious issues with men who beat me physically and mentally. My child's father left me a week after I had my daughter so that really hurt me deep inside. So I have a lot of trust issues and fear of getting left or hurt...

I spoke to him last night about how I felt about how I was treating him and he told me that it was like I was preparing myself for him to hurt me, which I is true. And he said "You know I love you, because most men wouldn't put up with your bs, but I do and I'ma work with you." lol

And I don't think anyone as any right to tell me who I do or don't love, regardless...If I didn't love him I wouldn't be trying to fix this problem I was dealing within myself...

And on the marriage issue, he spoke of wanting to marry me later, when he is financially ready and I agree. We both are struggling right now in that matter. And I also wouldn't want to marry him if I am feeling this way.

And counseling? LMAO

Anyways, I appreciate your guys' advice and whatever else you want to call it...

CLYDE:
Also, Thanks for listening to me and giving me great advice in the chat! You're a riot! Power of an Aquarian! lol

you said, "men" who beat you.. plural?.. and you have a child with one of
them? and you've been with this other guy off and on for 12 years?

I think maybe you should put men down completely and work on yourself.
learning how to really accept yourself as an African woman.. spend some time
building your esteem.. filling it with concrete things.. partnering with someone
else before you are fully healthy is dangerous because those same unhealthy
process and associations that lead to the other mistakes you have made may
be involved in your selection of a partner.. and you may find yourself trapped
in an infinite loop of bad decisions.​