Black Relationships : HELP !!! I Don't Know what to do Anymore !!!!

Discussion in 'Black Relationships' started by got2luvme, Sep 14, 2009.

  1. got2luvme

    got2luvme New Member MEMBER

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    Well..... My husband and i have been married for almost 4 years now , we have a 6 year old son together.....but our relationship is a mess !!! From the day we got together it has been nothing but chaos just to give you snip bits... he cheated on me and had a child with another woman at the same time I was having our child so.... my son and the other woman son are ONLY 4 moths apart !!! I forgave him and I took him back ..... then he cheated on me with her again and I caught them having a "family time" on Newyears day during his "family time" escapade he didn't come home for 3 days !!!! No call Nothing and he wouldn't answer my calls....anyway I forgave and took him back....then he cheated on me with some other woman and gave me a STD !!!!......I forgave him and took him back !!!....he needed to get his immigration paperwork sorted out and I did but the paperwok and case has been drawned out during the years because I became reluctant to help him because i felt like I was being used; I am the one who paid for all of the lawyer fees and paperwork to begin with , I never stoppd the process but during my times of doubt everything would be put on pause. Anyhow, Finacially he couldn't help me because he didn't obtain his work permit and to me it always seemed a non priority for him to me because cheating with other woman and running streets was more important !

    So now....he has been arrested and has been in jail for 4 months now for a drug charge, and while he was arrested a immigration hold was placed on him so he has a huge problem, because he may face deportation in fact his immigration lawyer said he will definitely face deportation if he is convicted because it's a felony drug charge !!!! So my husband ask that I get him a private attorney for which I did the attorney charged me a $5,000 retainer fee for which I've paid $3,000 of so far my husband said that he would not take the case to trial and that it wouldn't have to go to trial because of the situation anyway , the DA set his bail for 75K at the bail hearing because he said my husband was a flight risk , so I tried to see if his family could help out with a bondsman but noone could ! So that left me once again to take car of everything by myself, but I've been so financially drained over the years my resources were no way near what was needed !!!! So he had to stay in jail and on the next court date they offered him 6moths and 5 years probation which would have been a steal to the average person charged with this alleged crime However that isn't the case with him because like I said he is not a Citizen he doesn't even have his green card yet and the funny thing is he had AOS court date in August which he missed because he has been incarcerated sine May 1, 2009 .... this angers me ! Getting back... he refused the plea deal offered because he would have been automatically deported which he may be anyway, so he decided to take it to trial On August 28, 2009 they indicted him on felony c possesion of a controlled substance and his next court date was set for November 27, 2009 but before that time they will probaly offer him another deal, and if he doesn't take it he will go to trial which will open another can of worms because the lawyer will charge another $5k for trial and I've have been having a hard time paying off the first $5k !!! I've always been the one to support our family I have 16 year old son from a previous relationship and a 6 yr old with my husband and I've been the backbone of everything and everyone!!!

    I am very fustrated now because ther has been a few things that have ocurred since his incareration...for one I was not the first person he called when he got arrested , he called his friend so that they could pick up his property because he had somethign to hide from me which was probaly a cell phone ! He got arrested once for driving with a suspended license and when he called me i went down and picked up his property for which I fournd a cell phone that he was using to call women , esepecially this one particular young lady who he previously exchanged intimate text messages with and who's calls along with others cramed the call log ! Anyway after not calling me first, I take off form work have my sister drive me from Brooklyn where I live to Westchester county court for his arraignment on;y to find out that it was a remand and bail was too high !!! But here is the blower......I also found out that his car was seized during the arrest !!!! Let me tell you whay this is blower ..because he had this car for years but the insurance was cancelled on it because his sister insured it therfore he couldn't drive it , it was parked in a garage for like the last 2 years while he drove my 2006 honda CRV around the world with out putting gas or anything into it !!!! So it;s was a complete blower to me to find out that he was driving the car expecially since I sold my car in Novenber 2008 because payments were a hassle and I din't have a car for a while and I asked him to let me insure the his acr that was parked and noone used and drive it until I could get my own but he wouldn't he wanted me to give him my money to ket him insure the car and wanted me to make the car insurance payments every month !!! Long story short he insured the car himself in March 09 and was driving it ever since and hid it from me !!!! I couldn't believe it !!!!!!! so the days when i had to walk our son to school in the cold becauseI didn't have a car he had one but was hiding it from me !!!!!! Anyway after learning all of this in court while my sister witnessed it and she tooo thought he didn't have the car on the road I was FURIOUS !!! Needless to say I forgave him so the following tuesday I took off form worrk and went to go surprise him with a visit but i was the only one to be suprised because it turned out that he had just got off a visit with his "female Friend" WOW How disrepectful was that He wasn't even locked up for two weeks and already starting CRAP!! Any way I was angry for a ciouple of days but I got over it and continue to help him running around to different places trying to help him out and spending money that i don't have and taking the bus , train to the plane from brooklyn to westchester county prison just to see him , then my son started to feel neglected becaue on Saturdays i would leave him with my mom to go and see my husband I would leave @ 10 and arrive the jail @ 12:45 to 1pm only to visit for a hour and leave for the return journey to my moms to pick up my son and I wouldn't get there until 6 pm sometime so the whole saturday would be shot and On sundays I would have so many errands to run and chores to do beause this was my only free day because I work Monday to Friday i didn't have any time for my kids so I told my husband I will come and see you twice a month and he got upset and angry and tried to make me fell guilty which didn't work just made me angry because he is so selfish & manuplitive !!! Anyway last night he said that I treat him worst than an enemy !! How the hell is that ???? Mind you I have been the one putting like $75.00 a week on the globtel acct so that he could call and i spent even more when he first got there , and leaving him money when i could and bringing all of his packages, court clothes books , pajamas etc. and sending him packages through I-care direct , and paying his immigration and criminal lawye, lokking out for him financially when he needed and taking care all of other responsibilites he couldn't handle and also accepting and buying little things for his other son when he couldn't and just overall loving him after he has constantly gave me his *** to KISS !!! WOW I can't believe it ! I asked him who came to see him this past saturday because I couldn't make it because My family had a BBQ for me because my birthday is tomorrow and he told me "you didn't come right ?" WOw I was taken back then he said I'm going do what I have to do and you can come whenever you get a chance so I said what does that mean and he said he goign to have whoever visit him meaning his women because I can't come there every visit !!!
     
  2. KWABENA

    KWABENA STAFF STAFF

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    Wow...what a handful of experiences.

    I will take the time to read through it more thoroughly in a second, but given what you have told us thus far, what do you feel you need to do to get things back on track?

    KWABENA
     
  3. Destee

    Destee destee.com STAFF

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    Got2LuvMe ... Welcome Welcome Welcome ... :wave:

    That's an awful lot to be volunteering to go through.

    I really expected to read ... "and I wipe his behind after every bowel movement" ... :look:

    Are you just venting Sister, which is fine if so, or do you have a question?

    :heart:

    Destee
     
  4. got2luvme

    got2luvme New Member MEMBER

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    Venting and looking for some advice..... I'm finish with him but I still feel kind of bad because he is in jail now at his lowest point I just don't want bad karma to come around to me.
     
  5. got2luvme

    got2luvme New Member MEMBER

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    Kwabena - I just don't want bad Karma, I also don't want to do something i will regret later.
     
  6. KWABENA

    KWABENA STAFF STAFF

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    If you ask me, the fact that you two have a 6-year-young child hanging in the balance is just as important. I would focus (for the time being) on you getting yourself together and getting your child together, to the best of your ability. Then see what happens and take things from there.

    KWABENA
     
  7. Destee

    Destee destee.com STAFF

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    Sister ... based on what you've shared above, I'd be surprised if you're really finished (at this point).

    I think it's going to take even more time, pain, money, etc., for you to actually stop.

    It beez that way sum times, where a Sister got ta get drugged down da skreet by her hair, before she really believes / sees.

    I do encourage you to stop though, as you have children ... a 16 year old Son that is watching how you approve, condone, and support this very immature and reckless behavior, even taking from them, to give to him. You're virtually encouraging your older Son to do the same, if he wants the good attention from you. You're also teaching your Sons how to treat a woman, by the treatment you're willing to receive in front of them.

    As far as karma goes, let that part go, for you'd probably not recognize bad karma if it called you from prison, collect.

    I do wish you the best.

    Much Love and Peace.

    :heart:

    Destee
     
  8. Astrologer4U

    Astrologer4U Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I beg your pardon...



    Your're kidding right? You don't want to regret something later??? You are worried about bad Karma??? Sister, you have already been through a bunch of regretting events with this man and your karma does not seem to be getting any better or worse, just worser and worser LOL. Seriously though, please sister, stop attempting to fool yourself into excuses that will keep you in this terrible cycle of sacrificing yourself and your children for this man. If all of what you have said is true, he has basically told you in so many ways that he doesn't care about you or your children, not even the child he has with you. From the looks of it, he doesn't really care one way or another, if he stays in this country or not. He sounds like a ride or die kind of man, a man who just goes about doing whatever and accepting the consequences of what he does as they come. Weather those consequences are good or bad, he just keeps it moving and deals with the consequences when he gets to that point. You said something about him not being employed due to his immigration status not being in order. What is he in this country for if it is not to have a good paying job or at least a job??? He could have stayed back in his country to screw around with different women. He don't seem to have a life plan or life goals.


    I'm really not telling you something you don't already know. It's up to you sister. Either you are going to keep letting this man be the reason why you continue to let your children see you accept a man not caring about you and your children, or you start today preparing yourself to cry (start your healing) about why you allowed yourself to be treated like this because ultimately, you are not stupid, you do realize that you let things get the way that they are. You know what you need to do Sis, you just need to get your strength together... Good Luck!


    Astrologer4U
     
  9. Bootzey

    Bootzey Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I'll say it.... Please don't ban me!

    You are better off without him. I would have maimed (castrated, financially bankrupted him, divorced him, something bad) him after he screwed me over the 1st time. Oh there would not have been a second time. If he's in jail divorce him and leave him there to rot. Then.... He should have learned his lesson. Because what he did to you, will be done to him repeatedly... Without vaseline.

    Stay strong without him.


    Peace
     
  10. Metaverse

    Metaverse Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Sistah "Got2luvme" your answer is in your screen name. In order for you to function in a healthy manner for yourself and your children you will have to allow fate to take it's course. Yes it's going to be very painful for you. But it is not pain you have not already experienced.

    Anyone can give you advice but it's really up to you to see for yourself what decisions should be applied. Your Husband has applied his decisions. Your story reveals that there are many things that he does not wish for you to know. If this is true then there are many volumes of things that he has done that you are unaware of. Try not to become too stressed out as they are revealed to you. Understand that this is the manner by which he lives- which may have nothing at all to do with you.

    This best thing you can do in your situation is prepare yourself and your children to be without him and commit your finances to that plan and that plan alone. As a Lover, Wife and Mother- your are first responsible for your own health and we know finances has allot to do with health these days. You cannot throw all of your money at his problem and a healthy Man would never require you to do so.

    There are allot of immigration lawyers in Brooklyn and none of them are cheap. You can call around for pro-bono help with certain law firms in the area for the sake of his Son it's possible he could get a lesser charge- but he'd need your energy and love for that process to go through.
    New York City deports hundreds of people every single day for drug felonies- so most likely he will be deported without you to vouch for him. It's difficult to earn a living in a high profile city in NYC without working papers, green cards etc. but it can do done. He doesn't have to sell drugs- that's perhaps the worst thing he could've done in that situation.

    But worry about yourself now.
     
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