Black Relationships : What's good about marriage for men?

[panafrica]

Marriage is alot of work and your right, marriage laws do benefit the woman.

Child support laws benefit the woman as well, but is any man not considering having children because of them?

 

[Queenie]

I found this old Mike Ramey column and thought that it could still be considered appropriate to add to this discussion. I found it to be an interesting read, maybe some others will too.

http://www.destee.com/forums/showthread.php?t=11663

Queenie

 

[1hotvirgowoman]

To properly answer this question one must understand what a marriage is and what a wedding is. I believe some of you are confused. I will strickly be speaking from a male marrying a female point of view. A wedding is the ceremony to unite parties in marriage. A marriage is the union of a man and women bonded by love, recognized by God and the Law of the land as one being or entity. When a man finds the right woman to wed the advantages of marriage are clear. Marriage is one of the ultimate expressions of love. Many men ask, why should I marry my woman if everything is fine the way it is? My woman knows I love her and would do anything for her. We don't need to be married. This type of thinking is one of the biggest mistake we as men can make. Instead of asking why should we marry our women, we should ask why shouldn't we marry our women. It's like we need a loop hole or a back up plan to get out of the relationship if things go bad or if we see someone else we might be interested in. This lack of committment wil also lead to evading responsibility. Brothers if you think like this and are in a serious relationship then you are wasting you time. When a man marries a woman it leaves no doubt as to what his intentions are in the eyes of God and the law. Also it affirms a part of your manhood. Now I'm not saying unwed men are not men, I'm saying marriage is a PART of manhood. By no means am I saying that we should marry the first woman that comes along either. A man should date or have a courtship to determine the suitibility of his woman. The biggest advantage of marriage is, if you marry the right one you will have a life long companion that will be uninhibited in the expression of her love for you. She will have no doubt as long as you don't give her a reason to doubt. She will fully surrender herself to you as long as you do the things a husband is supposed to do. Marriage is a balance of love, respect and trust. If a woman can't trust her man she will not respect him and eventually she will lose her love for him. Bottomline is though we my seem manly and tough on the outside, deep down we want to be loved in every way. We want our ego stroked. We want to feel special. This is what a good marriage brings but the street runs both ways.


Peace

Radical Faith

Rad'. you put this so eloquently. You are very wise indeed. Keep on Speakin' On!

 

[kente417mojo]

Brother Kente, I can't answer your question posed in this thread because what might work for me may not work for you. I agree with Brother Pan, marriage is an individual thing that we each must decide for ourselves and I don't believe that it can be prescribed by what's written in a book.

First of all, I recognize that your question was posed to the men but I did want to let you know how much I respect your candid way of expressing your thoughts and feelings about marriage. I find it refreshing because it's not a cookie cutter opinion. In my humble opinion, marriage is NOT for everyone and I don't believe that everyone is meant to be married....at least not in the American traditional way.

Your life lesson which is based on experience has opened your eyes about who you are and what you believe is right for you--and that's always a very good growth experience. A great many people get married simply because they read somewhere that people should when they are "in love" or they learned it from family members, ministers, and other people around them, including the legal system. But if we're honest, most of us know that many marriages fail because people became disillusioned with themselves or the partner they were with and realized it wasn't what they thought it would be like. For many, the notion "until death do you part" became a very scarey concept once they woke up and took off the rose-colored glasses they had been wearing.

Like anything in life, marriage is what people make of it. No more and no less. People can be just as happy single, and live a fulfilling life as those who are married. Research that indicates that married men live longer than single men is interesting assuming that everyone wants to live a long life or that living a year or two longer makes that much of a difference. That even assumes that married men are all happy in their marriages. What if living longer only extends their period of unhappiness? Hmmmm....

But anyway, I respect you young blood for your honesty and sense of integrity when it comes to expressing your feelings on this topic. I hope that whatever it is that you are seeking in a relationship, comes to you eventually and brings you a lifetime of joy and happiness.

Peace,
Queenie

You know NNQueen, that exactly the case. Some people don't need of want to marry. To me, my idea of marriage does not even exist. If I got married, I'd want my wife to be faithful, loving, affectionate, caring, honest and loyal. I don't think many people on this Earth are capable of that. Yeah, everyone can take the vows and go through the ceremony and make empty promises, but how many are actually happy and dedicated to their marriage? Even if you are, are you 100% certain that your mate is? We can never be sure, so I don't feel the need to front and go through all that. I'm imperfect and so is everyone else. A human has the potential to cheat, lie and steal, no matter what vows they make or ceremony they go through. On top of that it's costly to marry, costly to divorce and it's not worth it. I'll put my faith in a woman, but I will not be bound by contract. Like I said, I've known many people, men and women that have and are married, but are miserable. They don't leave for various reasons. Some don't want to split the family because they have kids. Some don't know how to be single again. Some don't beleive in divorce. Some are just too stuck in their way of life. Some worry about the consequences financially. All because they chose to sign a contract that chains them to an imperfect person. Now their hearts, finances and futures are entertwined, and it's just easier to stay married and be miserable....than start over. Marriage is not the ultimate expression of love, unless you doubted your love in the first place. Why should I look at a woman and ask "why shouldn't I marry her". What is that? We should look and say "why should I marry this woman", because if she can't love me without the ceremony and ring...she's not worth it. We get too caught up in what everyone else is doing and thinking. If marriage was not traditional step in a relationship....we'd care nothing about it. If no one else did it...no woman would want to either. If marriage was replaced by a man cutting of his left testicle to show love...women would expect us to do that because everyone else is doing it. What would it prove...nothing, except that men will do anything in order to keep a woman around. Like panafrica said, it is an individual choice, but unforunately it's a choice that many people regret. What we're basically saying is that loving a person and supporting them mean nothing, until you walk them down a stupid aisle and place a ring on their finger. Whatever happened to actions speak louder than words? If I'm putting you first and loving you 100%, why do we need to look to marriage to make it valid?

 

[1hotvirgowoman]

You know NNQueen, that exactly the case. Some people don't need of want to marry. To me, my idea of marriage does not even exist. If I got married, I'd want my wife to be faithful, loving, affectionate, caring, honest and loyal. I don't think many people on this Earth are capable of that. Yeah, everyone can take the vows and go through the ceremony and make empty promises, but how many are actually happy and dedicated to their marriage? Even if you are, are you 100% certain that your mate is? We can never be sure, so I don't feel the need to front and go through all that. I'm imperfect and so is everyone else. A human has the potential to cheat, lie and steal, no matter what vows they make or ceremony they go through. On top of that it's costly to marry, costly to divorce and it's not worth it. I'll put my faith in a woman, but I will not be bound by contract. Like I said, I've known many people, men and women that have and are married, but are miserable. They don't leave for various reasons. Some don't want to split the family because they have kids. Some don't know how to be single again. Some don't beleive in divorce. Some are just too stuck in their way of life. Some worry about the consequences financially. All because they chose to sign a contract that chains them to an imperfect person. Now their hearts, finances and futures are entertwined, and it's just easier to stay married and be miserable....than start over. Marriage is not the ultimate expression of love, unless you doubted your love in the first place. Why should I look at a woman and ask "why shouldn't I marry her". What is that? We should look and say "why should I marry this woman", because if she can't love me without the ceremony and ring...she's not worth it. We get too caught up in what everyone else is doing and thinking. If marriage was not traditional step in a relationship....we'd care nothing about it. If no one else did it...no woman would want to either. If marriage was replaced by a man cutting of his left testicle to show love...women would expect us to do that because everyone else is doing it. What would it prove...nothing, except that men will do anything in order to keep a woman around. Like panafrica said, it is an individual choice, but unforunately it's a choice that many people regret. What we're basically saying is that loving a person and supporting them mean nothing, until you walk them down a stupid aisle and place a ring on their finger. Whatever happened to actions speak louder than words? If I'm putting you first and loving you 100%, why do we need to look to marriage to make it valid?

I'll say this. I didn't get Married to my Husband because everyone else was doing it, I got Married to him because I loved him and I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. Marriage is not a Fad- nor is it a Trend. So I am almost certain that not everyone is doing it for those reasons that you listed. I don't regret being Married, if I was to regret anything at all, it would be for Marrying the wrong Person. I'd do it all over again, not soo blindly as I did the first Marriage, but I'd do it again. There is more to a Marriage than just Walking Down an Isle or having to wear a Wedding Ring, it is Supposed to be a Spiritual uniting of the Fleshs- Man and Woman.

To me, not getting Married means that 'When the going gets Rough' you're gonna Bail!. Why? You have No title to uphold- you are just a Boyfriend, you have no ties, no committment, no nothing. Trust me Kente(and you should know this) Being Boyfriend and Girlfriend is a Heck'a va lot different than being Husband and Wife.