Black Relationships : Sustaining A Marriage Is Very Difficult Today... I Wonder Why?

SwagII

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May 26, 2019
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Can it be that marriages simply just aren't :console: working anymore. It has been a pretty simple concept, etc. Men & Women fall in:flirt: love, commit themselves to a marriage, and share their lives together, etc. Our great grandparents did it, our grandparents followed suit, and for many of us, our parents did it as well. Well now... Why the hell can't this now generation? Is it because they are some how just not equipped to handle marriage? Most people one meets today are either divorced, separated, and has a ex. etc. Now as to not get things twisted, I fully understand that some folks are still getting married, etc. My question lies with the [Longevity], etc. part. Why today are men and women finding problems, aka: difficulties, etc., sustaining their marriage commitments, etc.? Look, to a great many people, marriage is sacred, it is the most beautiful sacrament and has tremendous promise for those fortunate enough to experience it. The question is, "exactly how does that couple make it last?" One thing is for sure, they must be mature enough to face life's challenges that come with such a commitment. Yet, many men and women are choosing to remain:yaay: single much longer, etc. Whutchu think..
 

baller

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Jan 28, 2001
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the near north
This comes from someone who's working on his third marriage:

Although the primary reason for marriage has not changed--love--the reasons for staying together has. Marriage requires work...daily work. A good marriage requires daily devotion to someone other than yourself. Most of us aren't willing to put in the work. Longevity requires someone you can work with, to accomplish your goals; like-mindedness in how you see your future; honesty and respect, in how you treat each other and how you carry yourself; open and honest communication...without secrets. These are necessary if you are to have your mate's back.

All too often, people marry without getting to know their mate. They're quick to say, "I know all I need to know." But, they don't. They know the sex is good; they know their mate is pleasing to their eye. However, beyond the name, the work location, and where they live, they don't know very much. What are their hobbies, their favorite foods, do they want children? More basic things: Am I willing to accept their faults? Can I live with their snoring...their arguments...their pettiness? You may think it's not important, but if you're mate's method of communication when angry...is to scream at you and treat you like a child...that grows old very fast. He/She will let you know this long before marriage, but you have to pay attention to the signs.

Also, many do not have an understanding of what marriage is...what it means. Yes, it means you're joined together...but to what end? Does it mean she's responsible for the housework...and he's responsible for the outside work? Does it mean everything is shared...the work and the pleasure? Does it mean his money is her money and vice-versa? Too many don't know their role: Who is the head of the house? You may claim that you're beyond that...but there can't be two CEOs in the same company. Someone has to be the final decision making authority. Yes, it's great when you can both contribute to the final decision...but if you cannot agree, what then? Is that a game changer?

As you might imagine, there is no simple answer to your question. The best advice I can give is to find someone you can laugh with...someone you can work with...someone you're in like with...someone you call a friend, preferably your best friend. If you find such a person, hold on to her/him even if you don't love her/him to begin with; eventually, you will. Once you find that person, make sure that person feels the same way about you. If so, you will grow to have each other's back...because that person will always put you first...and will never let anyone put you down.

Marry for the right reasons. The worst thing you can do is marry only because your mate is good in bed...and you don't want to see him/her with someone else. That doesn't mean you shouldn't marry someone who's good in bed; but that should not be the only reason.

As for today's generation, it's not that they face more challenges than their fore-parents, but today's generation are less needy...so they aren't compelled to stay with someone if they have to work at being happy. They have fallen into a concept of "convenience." Once it's no longer convenient, they feel it's time to go...where their fore-parents felt that that was the time to grow...together.

Marriage works when people are willing to put the work in to make it work.
 

Angela22

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Feb 26, 2013
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to a great many people, marriage is sacred
This is why marriages don't work anymore. People don't hold them sacred like they used to. It can be tossed in the trash bin like everything else these days, ya know.
 

baller

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Jan 28, 2001
3,805
674
the near north
I could say that that's a result of not knowing your mate as well as you should have...and when the unknown pops up--those things you didn't know--that you disagree with, it's easier to step away than to risk further disappointment. ergo, not as invested in the success of the relationship as they thought...or was willing to fight for.

We've become superficial. the moment it's no longer convenient, we're ready to go.

There is no blanket solution for that...unless you believe in the originator of the marriage, and put your faith in Him. That is why our fore-parents were more successful in marriage; their household was deeply rooted in their faith. They married those of similar beliefs...so as not to become unevenly yoked. They obeyed the rules. If we can find our way back to that, the percentages of successful marriages will increase.
 

SwagII

Well-Known Member
REGISTERED MEMBER
May 26, 2019
466
212
This comes from someone who's working on his third marriage:

Although the primary reason for marriage has not changed--love--the reasons for staying together has. Marriage requires work...daily work. A good marriage requires daily devotion to someone other than yourself. Most of us aren't willing to put in the work. Longevity requires someone you can work with, to accomplish your goals; like-mindedness in how you see your future; honesty and respect, in how you treat each other and how you carry yourself; open and honest communication...without secrets. These are necessary if you are to have your mate's back.

All too often, people marry without getting to know their mate. They're quick to say, "I know all I need to know." But, they don't. They know the sex is good; they know their mate is pleasing to their eye. However, beyond the name, the work location, and where they live, they don't know very much. What are their hobbies, their favorite foods, do they want children? More basic things: Am I willing to accept their faults? Can I live with their snoring...their arguments...their pettiness? You may think it's not important, but if you're mate's method of communication when angry...is to scream at you and treat you like a child...that grows old very fast. He/She will let you know this long before marriage, but you have to pay attention to the signs.

Also, many do not have an understanding of what marriage is...what it means. Yes, it means you're joined together...but to what end? Does it mean she's responsible for the housework...and he's responsible for the outside work? Does it mean everything is shared...the work and the pleasure? Does it mean his money is her money and vice-versa? Too many don't know their role: Who is the head of the house? You may claim that you're beyond that...but there can't be two CEOs in the same company. Someone has to be the final decision making authority. Yes, it's great when you can both contribute to the final decision...but if you cannot agree, what then? Is that a game changer?

As you might imagine, there is no simple answer to your question. The best advice I can give is to find someone you can laugh with...someone you can work with...someone you're in like with...someone you call a friend, preferably your best friend. If you find such a person, hold on to her/him even if you don't love her/him to begin with; eventually, you will. Once you find that person, make sure that person feels the same way about you. If so, you will grow to have each other's back...because that person will always put you first...and will never let anyone put you down.

Marry for the right reasons. The worst thing you can do is marry only because your mate is good in bed...and you don't want to see him/her with someone else. That doesn't mean you shouldn't marry someone who's good in bed; but that should not be the only reason.

As for today's generation, it's not that they face more challenges than their fore-parents, but today's generation are less needy...so they aren't compelled to stay with someone if they have to work at being happy. They have fallen into a concept of "convenience." Once it's no longer convenient, they feel it's time to go...where their fore-parents felt that that was the time to grow...together.

Marriage works when people are willing to put the work in to make it work.
I am certainly no marriage counselor, etc. But I am very much in favor of improving communication and problem solving in marriage. I am sure that there are things that couples can do to stay happily married. The biggest problems associated with married is related to communications. I think most will agree with me on this subject of communications. Another is emotional and physical needs, etc. The most most important emotional needs of a husband and wife should be met by each other for these reasons. Marriage is a very special relationship. Promises are made to allow a spouse the exclusive right to meet some of these important needs. When they are unmet, that is unfair to the spouse who must go through life without ethical alternatives. There's more, But I gotta go!
 

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