Black Children : What should I do?

[jamesfrmphilly]

you need to speak to the police.
you need to go to the rape counselor in your area.

 

[karmashines]

Thank you for all of the advice given. I'm only 16. My mom is 36. I feel like this person found my families weakness and gained on it. Together, my family and I have been through hell and back. I was homeless for most of my life. we fell upon hard times when I was younger and things became worse as time passed. My mom did everything she could to keep our family together. When he came to us we all loved him and trusted him. we treated him like member of the family. He knew they we would never want anyone on the street. He knew that we would help him. My family got him connections to jobs, and interviews, but eventually I realized though no one else did, that he wasn't interested in a job or even a place to live. No one knew he was crazy or what he was doing to me. Like I said before, they thought I was goin crazy because all I talked about was demons and I only read the bible, which he quoted things from completely out of context and turned everything around. From him doin that I began to fear God, but not in the way the bible says to. I thought God hated me and was punishing me. Before this I had gone to church every sunday and wednsday and I had a pure love for God in my heart. Now it's like I don't know what to think. Part of me still feels like I disobeyed God by not casting that "demon" or demonic personality out. I know it's not true, but I can't get it out of my head. It's too late for an abortion. I'm 5 months. My family wants me to keep it. I don't know if i'm strong enough to do that. I'm also not really financially able to do that. My mom says she'll take care of it and I feel like I'm disappointing her by thinking about adoption. But I feel like I have my whole life ahead of me. I want to go to a six year college and night school. I always wanted to live in a dorm with my friends, how can I do that with a baby? I know its not the childs fault this happened. I just feel like this man set out to ruin my life and succeeded. If I have to keep it in order to keep him from getting custody I will. No one deserves to go through what I went through. Which is my main reason for wanting to press charges. But he doesn't know that I still have the baby and I don't want him to know. If I press charges he will. Also, I fdon't know how to prove he's mentally ill, if he was for real, so what if my case is dismissed? Right now only my immediate family, a few cousins and a few friends know what happened. Most of my family and friends don't even know about the baby. I don't really want everyone knowing what happened, but i know by not tellin I'm causing myself to be considered many things by them. Especially, since no one ever expected this of me. I was always the one tellin the others to be careful and not to get pregnant. My brother's and sister's don't know either so i'm dealing with my little sister calling me a ****, but no one pays any attention to her because she's ld. I never even wanted to have sex in the first place. I wanted to wear white at my wedding. I should have never let myself be pressured, but at least I was doing it safely. But when he began raping me there was no protection used. I believe that he wanted me to become pregnant. He thought he could trap me. He wanted me to leave my family for him. He said I loved them too much. His personalities would tell me that as soon as I began to love him the way i did befor he was cruel to me, everything would end, but I had learned before that that I knew nothing about love and decided I would never say those words to someone again unless I was absolutely positive that I meant it and knew what I was saying. I've been through alot in my life but this is by far the worst. I lost my religion, my sense of security, and sometimes I feel like I've lost my whole life. I wish I would have told someone sooner. I pray that no one ever has to go through this. His cult like religion was derived from the pentacostal religion (to all pentacosts, know that I am not saying ur religion is like a cult). His family was pentacostal, but I don't know what he was. He vclaimed to be pentacostal too. But I think he was just crazy. He said God wanted him to have sex with me because it made him stronger against the demon. At night I couldn't go to sleep unless they raped me first. I would lie there looking at the ceiling praying for it to be over quick. They told me i was on a mission for God. They said I had to save him from going to hell. I look back now and think, why did I endure that? Truthfully, I really don't know. I let myself be sucked into it, until the point where I began hallucinating with him. I would think that God was speaking through him, especially after his parents (who supposedly kicked him out and put him on the streets) who ministers told me that God speaks through the highest christian in the household, which he claimed to be. I look at myself and all I've been through and one part of me wants to shout out to the world, look what he did to me, I'm ready to press charges, go on montel, do what ever it takes to prevent this from happening again, but another part says leave it alone, keep the baby and yourself safe and live your life. I don't know what to do. I'm definently getting counseling. I want my nightmares and fears to go away. I get really scared when ppls facial expressins change quickly, it reminds me of the personalities changing. I also get scared when ppl wink at me because the demonic personality would do that when he came to surface. I really just want my life and my religion back. I want to know that God's not mad at me. I need to know that I didn't disobey him, and that I can still go to heaven. I'm scared that maybe that was him that i was hearing (though I know in my heart it wasn't) and maybe he's as mean as I think he is. But then if he's not maybe he's mad that I thought he was. I'm so confused!

If having the baby is going to be too painful for you, (which I imagine it would be), then you might have to put it up for adoption and pray that they will be able to find a home for it.

As far as feeling guilty... you were raped; you have no reason to feel guilty. Hopefully counseling will help you learn how to deal with these feelings. Please also follow james's advice too which would include going to the police if you haven't already.

Lastly, be careful with how you interpret religion. Religion can be used to manipulate and take advantage of people, especially the youth. It sounds like you have already been taken advantage of because of religion. Form a strong foundation for your faith in your own heart/mind... you don't need someone else to get you to God. The more people feel like they have to rely on someone else for the spiritual 'answer' the more likely they are to fall prey to people like this guy who mean them harm.

 

[panafrica]

Thank you for all of the advice given. I'm only 16. My mom is 36. I feel like this person found my families weakness and gained on it. Together, my family and I have been through hell and back. I was homeless for most of my life. we fell upon hard times when I was younger and things became worse as time passed. My mom did everything she could to keep our family together. When he came to us we all loved him and trusted him. we treated him like member of the family. He knew they we would never want anyone on the street. He knew that we would help him. My family got him connections to jobs, and interviews, but eventually I realized though no one else did, that he wasn't interested in a job or even a place to live. No one knew he was crazy or what he was doing to me. Like I said before, they thought I was goin crazy because all I talked about was demons and I only read the bible, which he quoted things from completely out of context and turned everything around. From him doin that I began to fear God, but not in the way the bible says to. I thought God hated me and was punishing me. Before this I had gone to church every sunday and wednsday and I had a pure love for God in my heart. Now it's like I don't know what to think. Part of me still feels like I disobeyed God by not casting that "demon" or demonic personality out. I know it's not true, but I can't get it out of my head. It's too late for an abortion. I'm 5 months. My family wants me to keep it. I don't know if i'm strong enough to do that. I'm also not really financially able to do that. My mom says she'll take care of it and I feel like I'm disappointing her by thinking about adoption. But I feel like I have my whole life ahead of me. I want to go to a six year college and night school. I always wanted to live in a dorm with my friends, how can I do that with a baby? I know its not the childs fault this happened. I just feel like this man set out to ruin my life and succeeded. If I have to keep it in order to keep him from getting custody I will. No one deserves to go through what I went through. Which is my main reason for wanting to press charges. But he doesn't know that I still have the baby and I don't want him to know. If I press charges he will. Also, I fdon't know how to prove he's mentally ill, if he was for real, so what if my case is dismissed? Right now only my immediate family, a few cousins and a few friends know what happened. Most of my family and friends don't even know about the baby. I don't really want everyone knowing what happened, but i know by not tellin I'm causing myself to be considered many things by them. Especially, since no one ever expected this of me. I was always the one tellin the others to be careful and not to get pregnant. My brother's and sister's don't know either so i'm dealing with my little sister calling me a ****, but no one pays any attention to her because she's ld. I never even wanted to have sex in the first place. I wanted to wear white at my wedding. I should have never let myself be pressured, but at least I was doing it safely. But when he began raping me there was no protection used. I believe that he wanted me to become pregnant. He thought he could trap me. He wanted me to leave my family for him. He said I loved them too much. His personalities would tell me that as soon as I began to love him the way i did befor he was cruel to me, everything would end, but I had learned before that that I knew nothing about love and decided I would never say those words to someone again unless I was absolutely positive that I meant it and knew what I was saying. I've been through alot in my life but this is by far the worst. I lost my religion, my sense of security, and sometimes I feel like I've lost my whole life. I wish I would have told someone sooner. I pray that no one ever has to go through this. His cult like religion was derived from the pentacostal religion (to all pentacosts, know that I am not saying ur religion is like a cult). His family was pentacostal, but I don't know what he was. He vclaimed to be pentacostal too. But I think he was just crazy. He said God wanted him to have sex with me because it made him stronger against the demon. At night I couldn't go to sleep unless they raped me first. I would lie there looking at the ceiling praying for it to be over quick. They told me i was on a mission for God. They said I had to save him from going to hell. I look back now and think, why did I endure that? Truthfully, I really don't know. I let myself be sucked into it, until the point where I began hallucinating with him. I would think that God was speaking through him, especially after his parents (who supposedly kicked him out and put him on the streets) who ministers told me that God speaks through the highest christian in the household, which he claimed to be. I look at myself and all I've been through and one part of me wants to shout out to the world, look what he did to me, I'm ready to press charges, go on montel, do what ever it takes to prevent this from happening again, but another part says leave it alone, keep the baby and yourself safe and live your life. I don't know what to do. I'm definently getting counseling. I want my nightmares and fears to go away. I get really scared when ppls facial expressins change quickly, it reminds me of the personalities changing. I also get scared when ppl wink at me because the demonic personality would do that when he came to surface. I really just want my life and my religion back. I want to know that God's not mad at me. I need to know that I didn't disobey him, and that I can still go to heaven. I'm scared that maybe that was him that i was hearing (though I know in my heart it wasn't) and maybe he's as mean as I think he is. But then if he's not maybe he's mad that I thought he was. I'm so confused!

Sister Erotica223:

You can go to college, and achieve all you dream of. A child will not stop you from doing that. I believe you have the strength to do whatever you desire to. However it is important that you seek counseling for what you endured. Don't suffer alone, and don't settle for our advice only. There are people who are professionally trained to work with women who have suffered what you suffered. Please seek out their help.

 

[erotica223]

Thank you

Thanks again for all of the advice. I do plan to seek counceling, but 1st I'd just like to get my thoughts together. As for the baby, I still don't know what my plans are. I will most likely be giving it up. I'm not financially able to support it. I know there's help out there, but I really don't want to be on welfare. I plan to move on from this terrible experience. I don't know if I'll report it. I'm still kind of scared, but I know I'll feel responsible if this happens to anyone else. I'm mostly scared that the courts won't believe me, and will give him custody or visitation. I don't want him knowing that i kept the baby. I'm sure he thinks I got an abortion. I don't know what the pregnancuy by rape laws are in pennslvania, exspecially since I was in a relationship with him before the raping began, and I engage in consentual sex with him before. But anyway, thank you for everything. You've all helped me a lot. Too anyone who's been through rape or abuse, know that it's not your fault, and get help. You can always contact me if you need someone to talk to. Don't let it ruin your life. It will if you let it. I'm not gonna let it.

 

[jamesfrmphilly]

report your situation to the police.