hello ...
wel i dont know if it is a deamon or sumthing spitting here
but i have to cause i dont know it anymore ....
i have this cyste in my left ovarium.....
and it is there now for a long time...
it is hurting and it is making my tired ....
the thing is i live my life
i work (5 days ) , i always try to send and give love..love people around me I dont hate anyone
i try to live rightius...
i love life ,
and i love God and believe in him..
And i dont see him as a person with a beerd...
i go to church but not because people tel me so...
and i,m a type of person who does not only pray but also works \
you know what i ,m saying put it in action try to put the words of the son of god in action..
I,m a person who believes that god is bigger than all this even my problem or anyones problem and that his plan is much bigger than some people realise...
That why i shall always be carrefull in judging someone or some ones case way of living and religion it is only my duty to speek the truth and help people(with gods will and power other wise youre not getting anywhere if its his will you get that help grace and strength ) if i see they are not happy get stuck somewhere ,planned to go for war by shooting and killing
i had one intemate relationship with a man ...
so i dont mess around with my body ....
(hearing voices going like .
so and than oh ..well good for you but that doesnt say anything sister .......
I KNOW.....IT is ALL ABOUT MERCY
i have been to the dokter after 4 years the finaly took an exam and they say
its a cyste that is there and it is big but it will finaly explode
so now it comes and goes...
and there is water in it..
the dokter says they can operate it but the there is a high risk for not getting chilldren from that ovarium..
and that the scar that will stay there can caust you even much pain
as you have now....
Than they also told me that a cyste that comes back manny times can also make you not have children
Now the thing is that i always believe that god decides if you get children eventualy or not (and i still got the other one..)
but that is actualy not what is bothering me...
besides i still have to run into my other half first
before sumthing beautifull like that can develop..
unless you are maria ...
but what is hurting and i mean not inside ...
is that cyste ..
its just this pain ..
and sumthimes i loose it ..
i,m having strange toughts
you know i would never do surgery on my self
but somthimes the pain is not makingme sleep..
and its making me tired and than i get angry cause there are so much beautifull things to do
cause i was doing well ..
spiritualy untill this point..
i have to be honest ...to myself
i know that you have to search deep down yourself that maybe it is old soul pain or what ever that is causing you this pain..
i did have to feeling that a deep wound left that was maybe hidden deep downsomewhere left on the day i was baptised ..
but .....
now i feel like i am in a circle..
i know i am not a alone..
i know that believe can heal you..
jezus said that anyone that will ask sumthing in my name it will be done...
so i asked for the healing of my cyste ..
(and on this topic i can go on wich i was planning to do in the topic Spirituality in my search of healing myself and hopefully others you know ...are there still real diciples like the ones in those times who went from city to city without money and klothes and food who cured and healed people or can you and i be that to ..the book sais to if you believe ....)
like i said i also pray and work ..
search for some herbs ...that could maybe help ...or just watch what you eat
just eat healthy normal food
but
now i just dont know it anymore...
i keep looking at my inside
and i do know that some things still hurting me sumthimes things that happen but i believe that i will have that as long as i live cause people ...
and i know you grow stronger...
it feels like i grow stronger spirritual but physical i get weaker..or let say vulnarable...
what is wrong ..
what do i have to do..
i also feel like my life is going better ......
but than i feel like i,m going nowhere..
i mean ..
i use to know it ..
use to know ,where i was going to..
what i was dreaming ,where i wanted to be..
now i can be happy because i eat a nice sandwich or smell a nice flower or watch a good movie....or other things or just sit quiet and think of god and talk with him....than i,mhappy ..
but here on earth i dont know it...
and now i,m loosing it because ...
that cyste...
and i just dont know...
and i know that sum things we may never understand ...and never will..
I go out in the crowd the streets the church people....
and i see so manny things on wich i know i can speak sing or talk write about
on wich i know i can help a little ( believe me it is not a salomon depression i,ve been there to ....but i past trough that cause i readed further in the book of life)but than i continue and i still feel lost and alone
though i know lord is with me....
i feel sad now ....
i,m with a sister now ....
she is sleeping now...
she asked me how i was doing ..
if i wanted to talk about it ..
and i said i dont know....it to..
i first have to write it out likei use to do
i can also express but i didnt know ..
and i thought after i write i down i maybe know it ..
but i still dont...
and ..
that just the thing....
it a feeling...
and i am all things together right know...
i,m hurt ,tired angy ,dissapointed ....
but most of all tired of this cyste cause lords knows therebeen good times and the thing still was there..
and i,m so tired ...
of people seeing me like tatatatat whoaaa but never come close to me as a person..
i have sisters saying to other sister ..."'do you know Libertylady ...
than they go YEss OHH she is my best friend "' we are so good .....
and i,m wow........
how come i dont see anyone around than...
what is this ...
even guys do this.....
actualy a lot of people do this...
they see me as the this this thing object like ...
she is sumthing nice to talk a bout to descuss about to watch about..
but step to me ...get to know me ....Oh no (and i,m not talking about some people here who Yes i have been verry dissapointed in to)
what the ...is going on here
come on now even FBI (i mean i believe that they have even observed me ,i mean i am who i am,i have nothing to hide and i stand straight in front of god) or whoever whatever
leave me alone man..I,m with my father alright...
what you dont know you dont understand..
is that it....
huh..
she keeps swolloing the slaps in her face .....
how does she do that ,who is keeping her strength...
(here other saying .... man she got some issues what is she talking about)
well the reason why i,m here and talking ..
is that i got issues but its not the ones that other people filling in for me...
my thing is now...
is that i have this cyste ..
i have pain...
and i feel like i,m loosing it...
and i dont know it anymore ...
mean i can continue ...
but inside i,m lost ..
right now...
i dont know about tommorow or the week after...
but i feel i,m realy lost now ...
cause it feel i ,ve tried everything .
did the things i had to do to moveforward ..
what ever what ever WHATTTTTTTTTTTTEVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
(bla bla life is a circle BLA BLA
Blaa ......trying SLAP balalalal TRYING sSLAPPP balalalala
COLD COLD COLD .....BORING BORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRING..
only lords blanked ...is nice..
but i,m starting to get a little angry on the lord here to.....
WHAT ARE YOU SAYING LIBERTYLADY .......
you want to go and speak to him LIKE JOB DID....
bababbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbblalallall
i have nothing to say everything is his will
right...
so sufferrr ,,lib
make the ones who want you in pain LAUGH ...
(and no one has to tell me i dont have enemies .....
i know i have one who works tough manny.....people ....
and i also know that everyone can be their own enemy)
oh i hear them laugh ..
oh hear them ...i know ..
i just hope that there will be some rightius person between the laughing ones ..that will pray for me...
cause right now ..
i lost it...
you happy now ...SATAN!
i,m wondering lord..
than at least send someone to tell me what i do wrong if i dont see it..
