Black Relationships : i dont know it anymore (sumthimes i feel lost and feel like loosing it giving up)

Discussion in 'Black Relationships' started by Auroraflower, Jun 11, 2005.

  1. Auroraflower

    Auroraflower Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Apr 26, 2004
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    +35 / -0
    hello ...

    wel i dont know if it is a deamon or sumthing spitting here
    but i have to cause i dont know it anymore ....

    i have this cyste in my left ovarium.....

    and it is there now for a long time...
    it is hurting and it is making my tired ....

    the thing is i live my life
    i work (5 days ) , i always try to send and give people around me I dont hate anyone
    i try to live rightius...
    i love life ,
    and i love God and believe in him..
    And i dont see him as a person with a beerd...
    i go to church but not because people tel me so...
    and i,m a type of person who does not only pray but also works \
    you know what i ,m saying put it in action try to put the words of the son of god in action..
    I,m a person who believes that god is bigger than all this even my problem or anyones problem and that his plan is much bigger than some people realise...
    That why i shall always be carrefull in judging someone or some ones case way of living and religion it is only my duty to speek the truth and help people(with gods will and power other wise youre not getting anywhere if its his will you get that help grace and strength ) if i see they are not happy get stuck somewhere ,planned to go for war by shooting and killing

    i had one intemate relationship with a man ...
    so i dont mess around with my body ....

    (hearing voices going like .
    so and than oh ..well good for you but that doesnt say anything sister .......


    i have been to the dokter after 4 years the finaly took an exam and they say
    its a cyste that is there and it is big but it will finaly explode
    so now it comes and goes...
    and there is water in it..

    the dokter says they can operate it but the there is a high risk for not getting chilldren from that ovarium..
    and that the scar that will stay there can caust you even much pain
    as you have now....

    Than they also told me that a cyste that comes back manny times can also make you not have children

    Now the thing is that i always believe that god decides if you get children eventualy or not (and i still got the other one..)

    but that is actualy not what is bothering me...
    besides i still have to run into my other half first
    before sumthing beautifull like that can develop..
    unless you are maria ...

    but what is hurting and i mean not inside ...
    is that cyste ..
    its just this pain ..

    and sumthimes i loose it ..
    i,m having strange toughts
    you know i would never do surgery on my self
    but somthimes the pain is not makingme sleep..
    and its making me tired and than i get angry cause there are so much beautifull things to do

    cause i was doing well ..
    spiritualy untill this point..

    i have to be honest myself
    i know that you have to search deep down yourself that maybe it is old soul pain or what ever that is causing you this pain..

    i did have to feeling that a deep wound left that was maybe hidden deep downsomewhere left on the day i was baptised ..
    but .....
    now i feel like i am in a circle..
    i know i am not a alone..
    i know that believe can heal you..
    jezus said that anyone that will ask sumthing in my name it will be done...

    so i asked for the healing of my cyste ..
    (and on this topic i can go on wich i was planning to do in the topic Spirituality in my search of healing myself and hopefully others you know ...are there still real diciples like the ones in those times who went from city to city without money and klothes and food who cured and healed people or can you and i be that to ..the book sais to if you believe ....)

    like i said i also pray and work ..
    search for some herbs ...that could maybe help ...or just watch what you eat
    just eat healthy normal food


    now i just dont know it anymore...
    i keep looking at my inside
    and i do know that some things still hurting me sumthimes things that happen but i believe that i will have that as long as i live cause people ...
    and i know you grow stronger...

    it feels like i grow stronger spirritual but physical i get weaker..or let say vulnarable...

    what is wrong ..
    what do i have to do..

    i also feel like my life is going better ......
    but than i feel like i,m going nowhere..
    i mean ..

    i use to know it ..
    use to know ,where i was going to..
    what i was dreaming ,where i wanted to be..
    now i can be happy because i eat a nice sandwich or smell a nice flower or watch a good movie....or other things or just sit quiet and think of god and talk with him....than i,mhappy ..

    but here on earth i dont know it...

    and now i,m loosing it because ...
    that cyste...

    and i just dont know...

    and i know that sum things we may never understand ...and never will..

    I go out in the crowd the streets the church people....
    and i see so manny things on wich i know i can speak sing or talk write about
    on wich i know i can help a little ( believe me it is not a salomon depression i,ve been there to ....but i past trough that cause i readed further in the book of life)but than i continue and i still feel lost and alone

    though i know lord is with me....

    i feel sad now ....

    i,m with a sister now ....

    she is sleeping now...

    she asked me how i was doing ..

    if i wanted to talk about it ..

    and i said i dont to..

    i first have to write it out likei use to do
    i can also express but i didnt know ..

    and i thought after i write i down i maybe know it ..

    but i still dont...

    and ..

    that just the thing....

    it a feeling...

    and i am all things together right know...

    i,m hurt ,tired angy ,dissapointed ....

    but most of all tired of this cyste cause lords knows therebeen good times and the thing still was there..

    and i,m so tired ...

    of people seeing me like tatatatat whoaaa but never come close to me as a person..

    i have sisters saying to other sister ..."'do you know Libertylady ...
    than they go YEss OHH she is my best friend "' we are so good .....

    and i,m wow........

    how come i dont see anyone around than...

    what is this ...

    even guys do this.....
    actualy a lot of people do this...

    they see me as the this this thing object like ...

    she is sumthing nice to talk a bout to descuss about to watch about..
    but step to me ...get to know me ....Oh no (and i,m not talking about some people here who Yes i have been verry dissapointed in to)

    what the going on here

    come on now even FBI (i mean i believe that they have even observed me ,i mean i am who i am,i have nothing to hide and i stand straight in front of god) or whoever whatever
    leave me alone man..I,m with my father alright...

    what you dont know you dont understand..

    is that it....


    she keeps swolloing the slaps in her face .....
    how does she do that ,who is keeping her strength...

    (here other saying .... man she got some issues what is she talking about)

    well the reason why i,m here and talking ..

    is that i got issues but its not the ones that other people filling in for me...

    my thing is now...

    is that i have this cyste ..

    i have pain...

    and i feel like i,m loosing it...

    and i dont know it anymore ...

    mean i can continue ...

    but inside i,m lost ..

    right now...

    i dont know about tommorow or the week after...

    but i feel i,m realy lost now ...

    cause it feel i ,ve tried everything .

    did the things i had to do to moveforward ..


    (bla bla life is a circle BLA BLA

    Blaa ......trying SLAP balalalal TRYING sSLAPPP balalalala


    only lords blanked nice..

    but i,m starting to get a little angry on the lord here to.....


    you want to go and speak to him LIKE JOB DID....


    i have nothing to say everything is his will

    so sufferrr ,,lib

    make the ones who want you in pain LAUGH ...
    (and no one has to tell me i dont have enemies .....

    i know i have one who works tough manny.....people ....
    and i also know that everyone can be their own enemy)

    oh i hear them laugh ..

    oh hear them ...i know ..

    i just hope that there will be some rightius person between the laughing ones ..that will pray for me...

    cause right now ..
    i lost it...

    you happy now ...SATAN!

    i,m wondering lord..

    than at least send someone to tell me what i do wrong if i dont see it..
  2. jamesfrmphilly

    jamesfrmphilly going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

    United States
    Jun 18, 2004
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    retired computer geek
    north philly ghetto
    +13,437 / -57
    go see another doctor, get a second opinion.
    there are millions of children waiting for adoption.
    get some counseling.
  3. Auroraflower

    Auroraflower Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Apr 26, 2004
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    +35 / -0

    i went to manny dokters..
    i tell you how my situation is...
    i woulnt..d mind adopting children i already tought about that...

    james... counseling doesnt work i have tried that one to...

    and a lot of counselers are in deep trouble to and some have no time or have the eye to seewhat is realy the problem...They offer a Medical pill to someone that just wants to talk ...or who maybe just a victem of evil forcers..

    thanks for youre advise...

    still confused and sad
    but i tell you when i,m not.....
  4. jamesfrmphilly

    jamesfrmphilly going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

    United States
    Jun 18, 2004
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    retired computer geek
    north philly ghetto
    +13,437 / -57
    so get surgery then.
    do not remain so spaced out that you die.
    unless that is actually your desire.
  5. PoeticManifesta

    PoeticManifesta Well-Known Member MEMBER

    United States
    Mar 24, 2005
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    Local Insurance Agent
    Virginia Beach,Va
    +47 / -0
    :) the sun has shined on you...

    I Read your post, and I felt your pain so dearly.. I had the same issued.. and still battle with it constantly.. you know.. you wanna hope 4 a better tomorrow.. but the last past couple of days has been like sh1t.. you just dont see the end to the storm.. so I now live for the day.. and cherish each good day as if it were my last... now.. since they have been taking all these sections out of my uterus.. I have been getting infections as well.. but luckily.. my grandmother referred me to a natural remedy... "QuickSilver" ... its a natural antibiotic.. it really healed my body quickly. I even have a minor tumor behind one of my ears that just dissapated. You can order it online... i think it will dieffinately help u.. it sure helped me.. and my mother now.. who has cystic fibrosis. Never the less i originially posted this in the poetry section.. but ive never seen you in that neck of the woods.. so Ive brought it to you!'

    Cancer eating @ my soul like sulpheric acid

    I now have cancer,
    The only thing I ever knew,
    was life ended in death,

    Day becomes night,
    night becomes day,
    Dead people sleep,
    while the alive just lay,

    I continue to fight,
    Battle after battle,
    I will not loose,
    Week after week,
    hour after hour,
    I pray my body
    will surive another day,
    but the thought goes sour,

    You see its eating at me,
    laughing at me,
    while moral for life
    just rotts away,
    Kill me now,
    later ends in death too.

    I aint got the time
    to wage a long war
    on death
    All this rambling,
    i guess i should save breath

    Day becomes night,
    night becomes day,
    Dead people sleep,
    while the alive just lay,

    Im half dead,
    the cancer is half in me,
    the other half gave up,
    now its up to God
    to defend me.

    **Side note**

    Ive missed yall dearly... Im fighting for my life, so that my soul may continue to write.. Poetry.

    **Im praying for you**
  6. sonnee01

    sonnee01 Well-Known Member MEMBER

    May 25, 2005
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    +29 / -0

    Hey Auroraflower,

    You are AWSOME! Thanks for opening up and sharing. Most would not share in the fashion in which you they don't know how to keep it real.

    Just know that you are not alone. We all are dealing with something in one fashion or another, and we all feel like "Why Me", but in all fairness why should any of us be exempt? One thing I realized in this game of life, is the MIND is the battle ground. One has to really be careful of what they allow themselves to mediate on....when one thinks on what's wrong too long it just manifies the problem. So what I do.... is I think on the postitive things that I see, um......... I look for the good all around me, ummmmmm... I try to appreciate the birds, trees, water, nice people, which we all sometimes feel such people just do not exist anymore, but oh, so not true. I make myself have a good day on purpose, that choice is up to me. Sure, there are quite a few things in my life I could be upset about, but I choose to have a good day on purpose. Some things in this game of life I have not control over, so why worry? No to mention worry is only self inflicted pain.

    In terms of your medical condition, continue to pray for direction and see just what you are to do. If surgery is the choice you need to make, then pray that the doctor who is to perform the operation has anointed hands to perform the job, continue to keep your trust in God... he knew this day would come, and he needs for you to continue to trust him, as this too will pass. You can be assured that "Everybody" is dealing with something. Even if they have a pretty face, nice body on the outside no-ones knows what's going on on the inside.

    Thank you so much for sharing, as this is the first part of you healing process. And remember the mind is the battle ground, choose you battles carefully.

    Peace, and much love!
  7. MzBlkAngel

    MzBlkAngel Well-Known Member MEMBER

    United States
    Aug 26, 2003
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    somewhere ova da rainbow....
    +219 / -0
    My testimony….your faith will hold you…I can only tell you what God have done for me...

    15 yrs ago, I had a cyst erupt on my left ovary…I had my left ovary partial removed
    while I was pregnant…The doctor said “My baby now 15 yrs old as of today would be retarded or have something wrong with him…6’5 265 straight A student and a full academic and football scholarship for a private High school….

    They told me I would not be able to have kids….after this…I have a 10 & 11 year old ... A & B students in school ….
    I HAVE 3 WONDERFUL KIDS !!!! Thank you Jesus!!!

    Don’t give up my sister praise Him at all times through the good and the bad…
    Happy or sad...

    See, my sister don’t give up keep your faith…I know you are tired...but don't give up hope...Pray on it ask for a professional GYN that only deals with this medical problem.

    My sister….
    My prayers go out to you for I do know of the pain and the worry…

    Far as them evil doers...Psalms 27 & 35...Give it to the most High let Him do His will

    Peace and Blessings my Sister
  8. Monetary

    Monetary going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

    United States
    Dec 15, 2002
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    Detroit, MI
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    +232 / -0

    I will keep you in my prayers. Always think positive my dear, sweet Sista and NEVER give up hope.

    Much Love,

  9. Destee

    Destee STAFF

    United States
    Jan 22, 2001
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    betwixt and between
    +9,512 / -14
    Sister LibertyLady ... i love you Sister !!!! ... :love:

    Resist those thoughts of you and your life not being what it should be !!!

    Resist such thoughts Sister !!!!

    You are beautiful and let nothing ... no bodee or circumstance ... have you thinking otherwise!


    Sister ... i am so sorry to read that your body ... or any part of you ... is feeling pain! :cry: :cry:

    Sisterrrrrrrrrrrr ... don't lay in the pain Sister !!!!

    Please Please Please ... don't lay in the pain !!!!!!

    As Brother James said ... get another opinion ... and let God guide you to pain relief !!!

    Remember Sister ... God is in control of ALL THINGS !!!!

    So trust that God will guide the doctor's hands ... and help relieve you of the pain !!!!

    I don't want you in any pain ... :cry: :cry: :cry:

    Ohhhhhh Sister ... i love you !!!!

    Know that your dessy loves you !!!!! ... ohhhhh Sister !!!!

    I am praying right now that God will CONTINUE to have mercy on you ... and heal your body !!!!

    Sister ... please ... don't just lay in the pain !!!!!

    Let the doctors do what they must ... so the pain can go away ... and you will be strong in your body again ... and able to fight like never before !!!! :)

    I Love You Sister Liberty Lady !!!!

    Please come back and let me know how you're doing.

    i am praying Sister ...

    i love you ...


  10. watzinaname

    watzinaname Well-Known Member MEMBER

    United States
    Oct 4, 2003
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    +122 / -0
    Libertylady, it saddens me to hear that you are in pain. Keep praying as you have been, God does hear you. No one wants to have surgery, but if this is the choice that will heal you, have it done as soon as you can. And try to get a doctor who has done this type of surgery many times before.
    As far as how people are acting toward you, people can be very quick to judge. They don't know the real you. Perhaps one day, they will be given that honor, to really get to know you. If not, it is their loss. Keep letting us know how you are doing. God bless.