Black Relationships : I am angry, hurt, and dont know what to do...I need help please

Discussion in 'Black Relationships' started by bigned69, May 7, 2003.

  1. bigned69

    bigned69 Member MEMBER

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    I am 5 months pregnant by a man who I was very much in love with and thought I would marry someday. When we first hooked up he told me he was divorced. Now I know he never divorced and is indeed still married. This is my first child, I am 30, have a good job. But I am alone and scared and feel very angry at this man. Let me just add this...He was locked up last year, and I was the one who supported him...Sent him packages, money on his books, visits 100 miles round trip, accepted his phone calls. (he now consideres all that I did "ancient history" when I bring up what all I have done for him). Where was she? I now think they were together the whole time and I was just being used and played, because 2 months after he was released they were back together. I now feel like a fool, because now I am in a situation I cannot get myself out of. He tells me, "Well we all going to have to get along". Excuse me? Am I wrong for feeling like I don't have to get along with nobody? I cry every day and I am stressed. I lay alone at night going through pain I'd never experienced, and he could care less. He tells me he is happier with her, and I just have to "live with it". To add insult to injury, he wants me to name my child (it is a boy) after him. He told his wife he got me pregnant because she herself cannot have any more children, and they do not have any children together. He has a 11 year old daughter who he has only spent 6 out of 11 years see grow up. (the other 5 years he was in and out of jail). I feel like such a fool, such a idiot, that I am now involved in this whole mess. Had he been honest with me from the beginning I would've never hooked up with a married man. How do I live through this? Any advise from the peanut gallery? Anybody out there have a similar experience to share? I am open to constructive criticism. But don't be downright mean, please. Thanks to all that reply. Nedra
     
  2. Regina

    Regina Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    First, put the anger for the man aside and realize you will have a child to care for now. It's over. Don't try to get him back and don't try to get even. Don't become intimate with him anymore. You should concentrate on yourself and make sure you get good prenatal care. You can live through this. You see he is not a prize.

    You will need to be civil towards him for the sake of the child, if he wants to be a part of the child's life. After the anger and hurt subsides, discuss with him his "responsibilities" and the role he will play in the child's life if at all. This is the father of your child and you can't change that fact. If the child is a boy, name him after a beloved male relative or one of your favorite names.

    I am curious about the timeline...you are five months pregnant but yet you found out two months after he got out of jail last year that he is married? Am I correct?
     
  3. PurpleMoons

    PurpleMoons Administrator STAFF

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    hi


    I Was in a similar situation about five years ago. I was with a man for five years befor i got pregnant. he went to jail and I waited for him to come home. we decided to have a child together. when he found out that it was'nt a boy his true colors began to lurk out. Anyway,he left the day my daughter was born. It was tough. I felt so used and violated. I could'nt sleep. The same as you. But what got me through it was the love for my child. I loved her so much that after awhile he didnt even exsist. Yes he was her father,but as far as I was concern he was nothin to me. you will hurt for a long time. you will get over it. you will provide for your child. After a while those feelings will drift. Also, Dont deny him his right to see his child. If he wants to be apart of its life thats beautiful. your child will need a father figure and in the end it will be beneficial to you also. You will need a break sometimes. You'll know what I mean. Its okay to cry But move on as you do it. You'll be fine. My heart and prayers will go out to you. Stay strong sister and kiss that baby for me when its born. I hope this gives you the drive to move on.
     
  4. NNQueen

    NNQueen going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    Greetings bigned69,

    What a dilemma! I've never had that experience so I can't imagine what it must be like but from what you descibed, I can understand why you feel the way you do.

    For the sake of your emotional and psychological stability, as well as the health of the baby, do you have family or close friends that can help support you through this? I'd hate to think that you're hanging your head in shame and shutting yourself out from a positive support system.

    If you are alone, is there a support group in your area that you can participate in? You mentioned that you have a good job so maybe you have sufficient health coverage . . .have you considered seeing a nurse/therapist?

    From what you wrote you loved this man so it's not going to be easy to get over those feelings. As your hormones continue to change it's possible that you could go into a serious emotional tailspin in the days and months ahead unless you have some way to release any anger or confusion you are feeling, but in a positive way.

    I know that you received advice to permit the baby's father to see the baby, but it's also possible that timing might be a major consideration before you simply do that out of some sense of "duty" or right you might feel he's obliged tohave. This is not a simple act of "we broke up because we just couldn't get along." It's deeper than that and you sound as though you're really suffering and reeling from the pain.

    You and the baby come first and he comes...well, later. I know that might sound selfish to some but the child deserves to have a mother that can nurture and love it without baggage that comes from having to see him again too soon after what he did. So you should take as much time as you need to get past him. Acting too soon could keep your wounds open a lot longer than necessary. Give yourself time to get stronger before you act.

    From what you wrote, it sounds as though he expects to include his wife in the child's life because they can't have children of their own. At some point you might not object to that but if she's a woman with a heart and a sense of compassion, I'm sure she can put herself in your shoes and would understand why that might make you extremely uncomfortable initially. Take your time. Time can be your best friend.

    Curiously though, did you know that he was married by the time you became pregnant?

    Peace.
     
  5. bigned69

    bigned69 Member MEMBER

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    He got out of jail end of October 2002, we broke up in December, I found out pregnant beginning of January. He told me he was divorced all this time, and still claims they are divorced yet they are together. I have no problem with him having a relationship with his child, however, I do have a problem with him trying to tell me what to do with my life, like trying to tell me I cannot see other men while I am pregnant, or trying to delegate who I can spend my time with. Whatr my problem is as well is if the whole plan was to go back to the wife, then why get me involved? He has gone to no dr's appts with me (ironically, the only one he decided to go with me to was when i found out the sex of the baby). And when my body is in pain and I ask him to get something for me, he tells me my comfort is irrelevant; all that matters to him is if the baby is comfortable. I ask him questions but he refuses to answer any of them, so I believe his wife was there the whole time he was locked up, letting me take care of him while she was "doing her thang". And I am starting to believe they are trying to take my baby away from me, because he always threatens to take the baby once it's born, and in her feeble attempt to have a "woman to woman" talk with me she slipped and said, "you know this baby is mine, right?". So I dont know their motives, but if worse comes to worse, I will fight this out in the courts. But I don't want to have to go there.
     
  6. NNQueen

    NNQueen going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    ned...you didn't respond to my questions about family support and therapy!

    From what I've read so far, it appears that you are confused and rightfully so. Do you think you're confused?

    Let me see if I understand your second post. . .

    You're saying that this man downright cold-blooded lied to you about being single, misled you while having an intimate relationship with you, used you, got you pregnant, doesn't care about your comfort or your feelings while carrying his child, he and his wife literally are treating you like an incubator, he tries to control your life and threatens to take your baby if you don't cooperate, the wife "slips" and TELLS you that the baby is hers and all you can you say is. . . "So I dont know their motives, but if worse comes to worse, I will fight this out in the courts. But I don't want to have to go there"???? :confused:

    Exactly what type of relationship do you have with this man at the moment? Does he come around you often?

    This man treats you like this and you can still say, "I have no problem with him having a relationship with his child"? :confused:

    When he tells you things like you can't see other men while pregnant, how do you respond? :confused:

    "And I am starting to believe they are trying to take my baby away from me, because he always threatens to take the baby once it's born, and in her feeble attempt to have a "woman to woman" talk with me she slipped and said, "you know this baby is mine, right?". What did you say to her??? :confused:

    How often do you interact with this man's wife and where do you see her? When did you meet her? What did she say to you when you met? :confused:

    Do you think he's trying to turn you into a surrogate mother without the benefit of paying for your services? :confused:

    DO YOU THINK YOU'RE IN A POSITION TO THINK CLEARLY AT THE MOMENT??? :confused: (sorry for yelling :( )

    If this is true ned, don't you think you need to seek legal counsel BEFORE your baby is born? :confused:

    I'm curious, what was he in jail for?
     
  7. NNQueen

    NNQueen going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    One more thing. . . why weren't you protecting yourself from getting pregnant?

    How long have you been in a relationship with him?

    God bless you sister!
     
  8. Poetic Justice

    Poetic Justice Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Honey, i really understand the helpless feeling you feel inside first and foremost all you did was display kindness toward someone who professed to care for you.
    Okay all gloves are off!
    This man lied to you okay, you don't have to deal with anything unless you, do you hear me, you choose too.
    This man has altered your life for his own reasons.
    Now its time for you to take care of you and your baby, its his problem that his wife can't give birth, you are not any man's incubator.
    Pull toward your family and friends, put some time and space between you and this man, he raped you of your kindness and concieved this child out of a lie.
    You beautiful child, i remember pain so bad i thought i could'nt breathe.
    You will make this work for yourself.
    You have taken care of this man so much, i want you to now do something for me, stop crying , Go and look at yourself in the mirror and pull your lips ever so close to the frame and kiss yourself, yes kiss yourself, because you could have been the wife.
    I know you can't feel the real now because you love this creature, but you deserve so much better than what this person has done to you, he is a boy, not a man and you could have plenty boys in your life, what you want to do wait until a real man enters your life and provides a decent life for you and your chid.
    It starts now, its all about you do you hear me.
    You are a black woman, Scream it, use it, you can change all of this to suit your plans.
    I have been there, we all have been there, I love babies you are so blessed to have your first child to love, wait until you see your child, your beautiful baby.
    Sweetie, you will get through this and it will only make you stronger and when he walks into your life, the man god will send you, you will realize that you were just playing this time around and all your virtues and kindness will truly be realized.
    You are not alone
    Shawnswife
     
  9. NNQueen

    NNQueen going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    Greetings ShawnsWife...

    Good to see you again sis and great advice.

    Peace!
     
  10. Poetic Justice

    Poetic Justice Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I read this and scrolled down until i could write and hit submit now i realize that me and you queen is in complete unison.
    Girl, Being a woman demands all kinds of strength to deal with life's pain, but await the pleasure honey it will come, make it come.
    Shawnswife
     
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