Black Poetry : Thoughts of Suicide

[Defiantson]

This piece was written to release some of my feelings while I was going through a fight with Cancer, I just now finished it about 10 minutes ago. I had to put a closing to it cause I didn't have one for the longest. Please bare with me while I lay my thoughts out for you all.

Thoughts of Suicide


I stood there for a minute
Contemplating my thoughts
Thinking, wondering, and pondering
See, I wanted to do it
But something
Inside of me said NO
Everything was prepped
The letters where written
Even signed
But my will was just not there

See I stood there
In one hand a clip
Full of rounds
And in the other
A nickel plated 9
With an Ivory grip
And at the exact moment
When I shoved
The clip into its chamber
I heard a voice

It wasn’t just
An ordinary voice
It was the voice
Of my daughter
Calling my name
I could hear it
Loud and clear
Daddy, daddy
Where are you
And at that point
Tears began to role out my eyes

I couldn’t phantom
Her seeing me this weak
Looking at me
While I was slumbering
Within a never waking sleep
And then it happened
I pulled the trigger
Only to shut up in the air
I caught my breath
Held the barrel of the gun
To my temple

See, I cried at that moment
And cried like I never cried before
The tears in my eyes
Began to flow, and flow, and flow
They flowed so much
I could have filled up
The river Nil
My tears just did not
Seem to stop
And then I heard a voice again
This time it was
Even louder then before

I instantly fell on my knees
Looking at the crucifix
That was hanging on my wall
I began to scream
And carry on like a wild man
Lord why the hell
Did this happen to me
What have I done to deserve
This agony
Why me
Why me

I’ve had sleepless night
Countless fights
Turmoil with in my life
And now this
How could you
Let this happen to me
The cancer in my body
Was doubling at a rate
Of 24 hours a day
The doctor told me
I have 2 years left

Why wait to live
In this agony
This misery,
This senseless pity
Has my life
Not been hard enough
Why are you
Punishing me
And then again I heard a voice
A voice so beautiful
It uplifted my spirit
My internal being
Still at a frenzy
Nervous,
Scared,
And emotional
And then it spoke to me
Telling me to stand up
And suck up
My screams of pity
What good are you dead?

Then I thought to myself
If I kill myself today
I would only
Make my child
A bastard
Still these thoughts
Keep entering my mind
It’s like an eternal battle
With no end to it
But as looked
At my daughters picture
With these tears of fear
I still could not do it

See my love for her
Was what saved me
And now this cancer
Didn’t matter to me
It’s been 9 months
With no trace of it
But this turmoil
Will live with me
For eternity​

 

[Blaklioness]

I'm not sure what to say here....haunting piece, and I do hope you're healing. Peace.

 

[black_soul]

wow emotional poem. you wrote out a tight visual on this one keep doing your thing.

 

[Defiantson]

First of let me say thanks to both of you. I wrote this in a depressed state of mine when I was going through Cancer. I figured I post it because someone may be feeling the same way and read this and can relate to it. Furthermore, I hope that they can see this and say wow, okay he didn't do it so I should either. It is meant as a deterant not to make people thing I am suicidal. It is a poem and just that.

 

[abstract219]

wow....a absolutely touching piece....had me misting up....Son. your descriptions were so on point.

Im in awe of you, to have the strength to write this down. takes strength for man to put it out like that.

i honor the power above and within you, to forward your healing. I dont think I will forget this write for a long time.

a real substantial write.

peace.