Black Poetry : Thoughts of Suicide

Discussion in 'Black Poetry - Get Your Flow On!' started by Defiantson, Jun 16, 2006.

  1. Defiantson

    Defiantson Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    This piece was written to release some of my feelings while I was going through a fight with Cancer, I just now finished it about 10 minutes ago. I had to put a closing to it cause I didn't have one for the longest. Please bare with me while I lay my thoughts out for you all.

    Thoughts of Suicide


    I stood there for a minute
    Contemplating my thoughts
    Thinking, wondering, and pondering
    See, I wanted to do it
    But something
    Inside of me said NO
    Everything was prepped
    The letters where written
    Even signed
    But my will was just not there

    See I stood there
    In one hand a clip
    Full of rounds
    And in the other
    A nickel plated 9
    With an Ivory grip
    And at the exact moment
    When I shoved
    The clip into its chamber
    I heard a voice

    It wasn’t just
    An ordinary voice
    It was the voice
    Of my daughter
    Calling my name
    I could hear it
    Loud and clear
    Daddy, daddy
    Where are you
    And at that point
    Tears began to role out my eyes

    I couldn’t phantom
    Her seeing me this weak
    Looking at me
    While I was slumbering
    Within a never waking sleep
    And then it happened
    I pulled the trigger
    Only to shut up in the air
    I caught my breath
    Held the barrel of the gun
    To my temple

    See, I cried at that moment
    And cried like I never cried before
    The tears in my eyes
    Began to flow, and flow, and flow
    They flowed so much
    I could have filled up
    The river Nil
    My tears just did not
    Seem to stop
    And then I heard a voice again
    This time it was
    Even louder then before

    I instantly fell on my knees
    Looking at the crucifix
    That was hanging on my wall
    I began to scream
    And carry on like a wild man
    Lord why the hell
    Did this happen to me
    What have I done to deserve
    This agony
    Why me
    Why me

    I’ve had sleepless night
    Countless fights
    Turmoil with in my life
    And now this
    How could you
    Let this happen to me
    The cancer in my body
    Was doubling at a rate
    Of 24 hours a day
    The doctor told me
    I have 2 years left

    Why wait to live
    In this agony
    This misery,
    This senseless pity
    Has my life
    Not been hard enough
    Why are you
    Punishing me
    And then again I heard a voice
    A voice so beautiful
    It uplifted my spirit
    My internal being
    Still at a frenzy
    Nervous,
    Scared,
    And emotional
    And then it spoke to me
    Telling me to stand up
    And suck up
    My screams of pity
    What good are you dead?

    Then I thought to myself
    If I kill myself today
    I would only
    Make my child
    A bastard
    Still these thoughts
    Keep entering my mind
    It’s like an eternal battle
    With no end to it
    But as looked
    At my daughters picture
    With these tears of fear
    I still could not do it

    See my love for her
    Was what saved me
    And now this cancer
    Didn’t matter to me
    It’s been 9 months
    With no trace of it
    But this turmoil
    Will live with me
    For eternity
     
  2. Blaklioness

    Blaklioness Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I'm not sure what to say here....haunting piece, and I do hope you're healing. Peace.
     
  3. black_soul

    black_soul Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    wow emotional poem. you wrote out a tight visual on this one keep doing your thing.
     
  4. Defiantson

    Defiantson Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    First of let me say thanks to both of you. I wrote this in a depressed state of mine when I was going through Cancer. I figured I post it because someone may be feeling the same way and read this and can relate to it. Furthermore, I hope that they can see this and say wow, okay he didn't do it so I should either. It is meant as a deterant not to make people thing I am suicidal. It is a poem and just that.
     
  5. abstract219

    abstract219 ...standing on the shoulders of giants MEMBER

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    wow....a absolutely touching piece....had me misting up....Son. your descriptions were so on point.

    Im in awe of you, to have the strength to write this down. takes strength for man to put it out like that.

    i honor the power above and within you, to forward your healing. I dont think I will forget this write for a long time.

    a real substantial write.

    peace.
     
  6. Defiantson

    Defiantson Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Thanks Abstract we all have it in us though.
     
  7. karmashines

    karmashines Banned MEMBER

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    Deep poem.
     
  8. sonnee01

    sonnee01 Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    WOW.. this is truly heart felt.. thank you so much for sharing, and I'm sure you're right.. many will read this and decide to do as you did, and not pull the trigger.
     
  9. Defiantson

    Defiantson Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Thank you I am humbled by your spirit
     
  10. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    very deep and touching piece i felt this ...............
     
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