The Role of Insecurity.
When Marcus met Yvette, she was wearing a low cut shirt with rhinestone butterflies and very tight jeans that amplified her historic feminine curves. 2-3 years into the relationship, he has grown to hate those shirts and those jeans. When Yvette met Marcus- he was tailor made- wearing cologne that made him smell like a million dollar mansion. Shoes cut from the finest leather. 2-3 years into the relationship, she has grown to hate those suits and that cologne. Even when he gets a haircut it gives her the feeling that he's out shopping for someone new. And when she gets her hair braided or styled- he also has some of the same feelings.
Other than that you can find them nestled up together on a Saturday night with freshly popped popcorn watching movies. Their love is genuine, only a few insecurities melted in the mix.
These insecurities have never came between them because they have never voiced them to each other. But it's not uncommon nor unnatural to have insecurities about your partner, nor is something wrong with you or your relationship if you do. In fact, if you love everything about your partner, most likely something IS wrong with you.
We can't use these insecurities as a reason for our relationships not to work, as most White European psychiatrists are making a fortune doing, and as most Talk-shows about relationships are making billions of dollars dividing couples over pettiness.
When you really love someone there will always be things that you hate about them as well. Most likely it will be those things that take their time away from you, or things they seem to love more than you. Like Women in my past often referred to my computer as “that other b---” saying things like “you spend more time with that b--- that you do me” and in all fairness it has been true.
Just as I have often hated the female best friends, the one always calling giving relationship advice- but she's manless at home watching re-runs of Re-run. These “hates” are part of the relationship, and the tools for handling them are simple. No one has to end a relationship over such Hates unless they really want to end the relationship for other reasons.
There are Women that hate their Man's cell phone. And would accidentally let it fall into the toilet if they had the perfect opportunity. Just as there are some Men that hate when their Woman works for a Man that keeps her working extra hours every now and then. There are all types of things that we grow to hate because it keeps the love from flowing to us as we desire it.
Now a healthy person doesn't do anything to disrespect the person they love anyway. Sure some of these insecurities can get very serious. Like the Brothas that hide in bushes while their Woman wears that half-naked dress and prances her happy behind into the club with her single Girlfriends. Don't hate the player, hate the designer.
There are ways to, not overcome these hates- but to understand them- because some of the most healthy couples still have insecurities. There are people in my family that have been married for over 15 years, some of my Uncles still hide in bushes- sometimes that's what love is all about. 15 years later and your Man is still worried about that revealing dress? What does that tell you? Is something wrong with him or is something right with you?
I believe these types of Hates reveal to us that a perfect relationship is impossible because we are imperfect people. How could Black people especially have perfect relationships anyway? We can have healthy relationships, which means that, we relate with each other in a way that encourages growth and brings dimension into our lives.
The insecurities end altogether when realize the illusions of marriage and union of two people with different minds and agendas. You can't have one without the other. You can't have the marriage without the insecurities. Even Siamese twins have insecurities about each other. One is always convinced the other is receiving more love and attention, or is more popular.
Ironically, those in relationship sciences, and life coaching would say otherwise. That you can't have a marriage with insecurities. There's a frying pan with my Uncle's name on it that says otherwise, and those two have been together for almost 35 years. We should be wise to take inventory of couples in our community and family that have been together for a very long time- and are happy being together. While most Women will not admit it- most Women enjoy the drama. Men too.
To be "IN" Secure- means you are just very protective about something, and usually we are speaking about our hearts and minds. Some of the most insecure people are the most emotional as well because they gave up their hearts the quickest.
While studying long term relationships, and some of the things that worked for me in my relationship- I'm beginning to see that allot of what we read in magazines and hear on talk-shows are actually designed to break people up. Common sense is the best match maker. Common sense will tell you when a person is not right for you. Love and Hate will keep the balance. For those of us that really love Black people don't be ashamed that there are things you Hate about Black people too! It's all part of reality. Take it for what it is. We need to stop looking for reasons to divide ourselves.
Excuse me while I go fetch the blackberry out the toilet.
Who would do such a thing?
