Black Relationships : The Love That Hates.

Discussion in 'Black Relationships' started by Metaverse, May 23, 2009.

  1. Metaverse

    Metaverse Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    [​IMG]

    The Role of Insecurity.

    When Marcus met Yvette, she was wearing a low cut shirt with rhinestone butterflies and very tight jeans that amplified her historic feminine curves. 2-3 years into the relationship, he has grown to hate those shirts and those jeans. When Yvette met Marcus- he was tailor made- wearing cologne that made him smell like a million dollar mansion. Shoes cut from the finest leather. 2-3 years into the relationship, she has grown to hate those suits and that cologne. Even when he gets a haircut it gives her the feeling that he's out shopping for someone new. And when she gets her hair braided or styled- he also has some of the same feelings.

    Other than that you can find them nestled up together on a Saturday night with freshly popped popcorn watching movies. Their love is genuine, only a few insecurities melted in the mix.

    These insecurities have never came between them because they have never voiced them to each other. But it's not uncommon nor unnatural to have insecurities about your partner, nor is something wrong with you or your relationship if you do. In fact, if you love everything about your partner, most likely something IS wrong with you.

    We can't use these insecurities as a reason for our relationships not to work, as most White European psychiatrists are making a fortune doing, and as most Talk-shows about relationships are making billions of dollars dividing couples over pettiness.

    When you really love someone there will always be things that you hate about them as well. Most likely it will be those things that take their time away from you, or things they seem to love more than you. Like Women in my past often referred to my computer as “that other b---” saying things like “you spend more time with that b--- that you do me” and in all fairness it has been true.

    Just as I have often hated the female best friends, the one always calling giving relationship advice- but she's manless at home watching re-runs of Re-run. These “hates” are part of the relationship, and the tools for handling them are simple. No one has to end a relationship over such Hates unless they really want to end the relationship for other reasons.

    There are Women that hate their Man's cell phone. And would accidentally let it fall into the toilet if they had the perfect opportunity. Just as there are some Men that hate when their Woman works for a Man that keeps her working extra hours every now and then. There are all types of things that we grow to hate because it keeps the love from flowing to us as we desire it.

    Now a healthy person doesn't do anything to disrespect the person they love anyway. Sure some of these insecurities can get very serious. Like the Brothas that hide in bushes while their Woman wears that half-naked dress and prances her happy behind into the club with her single Girlfriends. Don't hate the player, hate the designer.

    There are ways to, not overcome these hates- but to understand them- because some of the most healthy couples still have insecurities. There are people in my family that have been married for over 15 years, some of my Uncles still hide in bushes- sometimes that's what love is all about. 15 years later and your Man is still worried about that revealing dress? What does that tell you? Is something wrong with him or is something right with you?

    I believe these types of Hates reveal to us that a perfect relationship is impossible because we are imperfect people. How could Black people especially have perfect relationships anyway? We can have healthy relationships, which means that, we relate with each other in a way that encourages growth and brings dimension into our lives.

    The insecurities end altogether when realize the illusions of marriage and union of two people with different minds and agendas. You can't have one without the other. You can't have the marriage without the insecurities. Even Siamese twins have insecurities about each other. One is always convinced the other is receiving more love and attention, or is more popular.

    Ironically, those in relationship sciences, and life coaching would say otherwise. That you can't have a marriage with insecurities. There's a frying pan with my Uncle's name on it that says otherwise, and those two have been together for almost 35 years. We should be wise to take inventory of couples in our community and family that have been together for a very long time- and are happy being together. While most Women will not admit it- most Women enjoy the drama. Men too.

    To be "IN" Secure- means you are just very protective about something, and usually we are speaking about our hearts and minds. Some of the most insecure people are the most emotional as well because they gave up their hearts the quickest.

    While studying long term relationships, and some of the things that worked for me in my relationship- I'm beginning to see that allot of what we read in magazines and hear on talk-shows are actually designed to break people up. Common sense is the best match maker. Common sense will tell you when a person is not right for you. Love and Hate will keep the balance. For those of us that really love Black people don't be ashamed that there are things you Hate about Black people too! It's all part of reality. Take it for what it is. We need to stop looking for reasons to divide ourselves.

    Excuse me while I go fetch the blackberry out the toilet.
    Who would do such a thing?
     
  2. 4EVERLUV

    4EVERLUV Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Great Post Mr. Meta.....as usual.

    Peace
    4EVER
     
  3. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    While this speak volume , with known facts and truth when it comes to love & hate
    in a relationship / love or marriage , there has always been an eye raised from what
    is seen as lack of or insecurities , I understand that what i don't understand is why
    do our inner mental play a trick on us or is it that we get relaxed in a relationship and
    then become worried about holding on to him / her .
    This commandment found, that you love one another as I have loved you, If this to
    be correct then is this kinda hate an act out of love for that mate or was it a driven
    inner emotional feeling to hate upon that mate and there action.

    I always thought love & hate was a thin line anyway and you could love and have at
    the same time you may love them in whole but hate there ways or what they present
    themselves in while you love it but hate it now that you inside looking out whereas you
    once was outside looking in.
    Many relationships are beautiful when we look at it from outside but inside there is lots
    of hate factors going on !
    for number of reasons and i agree when insecured your heart is often the one up front
    sometime i found it that these hate walls are up because you trying to reserved /protect
    what you and a mate have .....When i see long lasting relationships / marriages i wonder
    how they doing it what measures /steps was taken to withold it.

    I was once told when you love beyond reasons and without second guessing you will
    come to hate the reality which enlighting you to your compromise / vow and heart of
    feelings , there is no relationship / marriage perfect to speak but in perfection as it
    works together you take love on one hand and hate on the other and you count the
    ways between each which comes to ten ways on a full scale

    Insecurity
    Finance
    Loyality
    Honesty
    Reasurance
    Mental overlay
    Common sense
    Emotions
    Feelings
    Self overview

    when all these come to play they mix and match like love & hate to weight out a good
    healthy and clean relationship.

    This kinda findings always keep my mental running open / free and often in wonderment.
     
  4. Alexandra

    Alexandra Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I disagree. This sort of carrying on is never what love is about but rather is indicative of an intense neediness, which then manifests itself in controlling behaviour. The same people who hide in bushes are probably the CEO’s of a multinational firm, responsible for making decisions that involve millions of dollars/pounds, and yet when it comes to matters of the heart, they take to taking cover in the bushes? No, God MS, something is definetly wrong with the relationship.

    Would you take to hiding in the bushes?



    Heh. No relationship piece written by a Black man is complete without a dig at the ‘single best friend’. When will men really come clean about the real reason that they dislike the ‘manless female?’. Is it because unlike your girlfriend, she sees past your toe-curling bedroom tricks and sweet nothings and is thus able to take over on the rational thinking front? much like the co-driver who takes over when the main driver is too drunk/sleepy to keep driving.

    Or is it that you secretly wish you had gotten with her instead? Like the horse trainer with hundreds of thoroughbreds in his stables who still dreams of that one horse that he cannot break in. Given a chance, I have no doubt all of you would jump into bed with the object of your constant vitriol, because let's face it, deep down, you know she is freakier than your girlfriend.

    Just my humble thoughts.

    Alexandra
     
  5. brown_h0rnet

    brown_h0rnet Master of All Trades... Jack of None PREMIUM MEMBER

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    What? Now hang on a second.

    There are a lot of men who complain about their girlfriends MANLESS best friend.
    But very seldom do you here men complain about their girlfriends best friends WHO HAVE MEN.

    Now.... WHY IS THAT?

    Are we to believe that ONLY women with NO men can think rational, or see through some BS?
    Are we to believe that ONLY women with NO men can be freakier than a man's girlfriend (as opposed to the one with men)?

    Cause I mean... your opinion of men has to be pretty low to think that a woman has to be "irrational" to have one.

    I don't think this is the case. If men are always sayin it... then there is probably some truth to it.

    When will women, specifically the ones who make a career of puttin their friends men on blast because they don't have a man of their own, come clean about the real reason they're hatin?

    ______________________________________________________________​


    Laquita: Shalanda... where yo man at? Don't tell me you STILL waitin for him to come home!

    Shalanda: OHH... He just walked in the door!

    Laquita: Do you know what time it is?! He told you he was gonna be home at 7:00, and he don't come walkin in until 7:08? Oh Hell Naw. You know he is probably F*** some B*** at work right?

    Shalanda: What?.. I... For real? Do you think it is that serious? He aint that late. He probably just got caught up in traffic.

    Laquita: For 8 minutes? Shalanda... Listen to yourself. You are CLEARLY in Denial!

    Why do you keep takin this abuse? You can do bad all by yo-self gerl! You need to dump that sorry A*** N***a and come over here and watch these Re-runs with me!

    I got Color Purple, Waiting To Exhale, Enough (Hell yes J. Lo sista gerl... beat... his... a********), Diary of a mad Black woman, Regina Kings Baby Oil Beatdown from This Christmas on repeat, Vivica Fox's Cover... you know... Movies that portray men ACCURATELY! Plus I got a lifetime subscription to the Lifetime channel, and a lifetime supply of Orville Redenbacher's popcorn.

    You don't need a man to have fun. I'm havin the time of my life!
    ______________________________________________________________​


    Yes... sometimes misery truly does love company.
     
  6. Metaverse

    Metaverse Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    It's good to have agrees and disagrees behind this subject! Goddess Alex you are right that "insecurities" can be very serious and can also be about issues of control. However, what we should realize- it's not the insecurities themselves, it's how a person is able to deal with them. The point is, we all have insecurities- even single people. So we are insecure without even having a partner.

    The relationship has nothing to do with insecurity, this is something we have to realize. The relationship only make us "aware" that we have insecurities about ourselves. In most cases the other person has nothing to do with our insecurities, but over time they become a reflective mirror. As in the case of Marcus and Yvette, aren't they doing the very same thing? Both of them dress up and make themselves look nice to attract people right? So what they hate about their partner could only be what they hate about themselves. See how that works?

    The illusion is that the other partner has absolutely nothing to do with the development of the insecurities we have within ourselves, they just help us to see it.

    As for the single best friend.
    [​IMG]
    Sure Martin hated Pam even as a Woman.

    In some relationships, I can see how the Boyfriend/Husband may actually be attracted to the single best friend. And that is because Women usually choose friends that share some of the qualities, thus it would be natural for that attraction to take place. It's also fair to see that best friend plays the roles of the concubine in some cases too.

    In today's society most of these "single best friends" are improperly placed. And this is because we don't create societies that help to sustain the Mother-Father unit anymore. Forgetting of course that these are the most important configurations required for a functioning and healthy society.

    There was a time when Single Men and Women were the main cheerleaders for couples, now they are some of the major sources for tearing down those structures.

    Like I always say it makes no sense even producing children if the relationship between the Mother-Father is corrupt. Because children are only the extension of the relationship between the Man and the Woman. Corrupt Relationship= Corrupt Children.

    With that being said a relationship is not corrupt when two people have insecurities, but it can become corrupt when these people do not learn how to deal with "their own" insecurities, how to understand them and learn more about their selves through them.

    Now here's the real litman's test. Does the insecurity manifest only in serious committed relationships or doesn't it manifest in causal relationships too? I learned most of these lessons when I was single and studying myself more so than in an actual relationship. And for those of us that have causal sex relationships I even remember things like, laying in bed with a female and having her whisper things like "I don't want you seeing anyone else.." "I'm trying not to fall in love with you..." or the classic...."I want you to meet my Mother.."

    So who is really playing games here? We all know that even causal sex relationships are very serious relationships that we pretend are causal! And we create these illusions because of our insecurities.

    One of the Blackest couples on TV where actually in Black & White...
    and listen to how they deal with it..

     
  7. Son of RA

    Son of RA STAFF STAFF

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    Excellent posts!!! I am learning a lot. :bball: Keep it coming yall!!! :em0100:
     
  8. Metaverse

    Metaverse Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    How Our Insecurities Develop?

    In our childhood is where they develop. Some researchers would say even beyond that as we inherit most of these insecurities from our great great great Grandparents. At least 6-7 generations into it. It's funny that we think any insecurity is unique and personal to the person who as them. The same insecurities have existed within relationships between Men and Women for thousands of years. In fact you can still pick up old stories about relationships and hear Men and Women complaining about the very same issues we complain about today.

    Just as ancient is our lust for love itself. In most causes this “Hate” is the product of generations of heartbreak due to the lust for love and the love denied.

    Sickness Invaded Me

    Seven days since I saw my sister,
    And sickness invaded me;
    I am heavy in all my limbs,
    My body has forsaken me.
    When the physicians come to me,
    My heart rejects their remedies;
    The magicians are quite helpless,
    My sickness is not discerned.
    To tell me "She is here" would revive me!
    Her name would make me rise;
    Her messenger's coming and going,
    That would revive my heart!
    My sister is better than all prescriptions,
    She does more for me than all medicines;
    Her coming to me is my amulet,
    The sight of her makes me well!
    When she opens her eyes my body is young,
    Her speaking makes me strong;
    Embracing her expels my malady—
    Seven days since she went from me!

    Seventh Stanza, from Papyrus Chester Beatty I
     
  9. Blaklioness

    Blaklioness Well-Known Member MEMBER

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  10. Metaverse

    Metaverse Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Def Jam Poetry - Kim Fields "How Come"

    Insecurities have nothing to do with it- get over it!!
    She breaks it down for those still trying to figure it out!

    [​IMG]
     
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