Black Relationships : How do you tell a young lady that you may be her father?

[JSpencer]

Approximately 21 years ago I may have fathered a daughter. I tried communicating (without commotion) with the mother doing and immediately after the pregnancy, to confirm if I’m the father. She never confirmed. Eventually, I moved away from that city. Nearly 4 years ago the mother entered into rest. The daughter, now in college, appears cared for by her uncle and grandparents (the mother family). When I recently revisited the city, approximately 20 years later, old friends asked have I tried contacting the daughter. I had never talked to her, I am not sure if I am the father. What was she told growing up? She may be calling someone else daddy? She may be wondering why I never tried to contact her, before now. Should I approach the daughter or her immediate family members first? What do I say, to either of them? If she is my daughter, I would want to be part of her life.

 

[skuderjaymes]

Approximately 21 years ago I may have fathered a daughter. I tried communicating (without commotion) with the mother doing and immediately after the pregnancy, to confirm if I’m the father. She never confirmed. Eventually, I moved away from that city. Nearly 4 years ago the mother entered into rest. The daughter, now in college, appears cared for by her uncle and grandparents (the mother family). When I recently revisited the city, approximately 20 years later, old friends asked have I tried contacting the daughter. I had never talked to her, I am not sure if I am the father. What was she told growing up? She may be calling someone else daddy? She may be wondering why I never tried to contact her, before now. Should I approach the daughter or her immediate family members first? What do I say, to either of them? If she is my daughter, I would want to be part of her life.

When you say you "would want to be a part of her life", what do you really mean?

Do you mean, you want her to forgive you? Because if you are her Father, she may have very strong negative feelings about you. And worse, she may have built her own identity atop those feelings. "I never knew my father", may be a large part of who she is by now. Be prepared for that. Whatever you do, don't say or imply anything negative about her mother. Just take the disdain that belongs to you and leave the rest alone.

So, while you may not be able to have the emotional relationship that you want, you can still be there for her as a father in other ways.. like.. Paying tuition, helping with down-payments, housing, etc.

we can hope for fairytale endings, but we should prepare for reality. But.. all of that said, she may not even be yours..

- good luck

 

[jamesfrmphilly]

go to her and tell her your story. get DNA tests. good luck.

 

[dunwiddat]

Approximately 21 years ago I may have fathered a daughter. I tried communicating (without commotion) with the mother doing and immediately after the pregnancy, to confirm if I’m the father. She never confirmed. Eventually, I moved away from that city. Nearly 4 years ago the mother entered into rest. The daughter, now in college, appears cared for by her uncle and grandparents (the mother family). When I recently revisited the city, approximately 20 years later, old friends asked have I tried contacting the daughter. I had never talked to her, I am not sure if I am the father. What was she told growing up? She may be calling someone else daddy? She may be wondering why I never tried to contact her, before now. Should I approach the daughter or her immediate family members first? What do I say, to either of them? If she is my daughter, I would want to be part of her life.

The mother did you an injustice.. At least she could let you know in the early whether you were the father. This is a touchy subject and as a grown young woman no one knows what she heard about you. If you still feel you must, just explain your position and hope for the best. Hope all works well.

 

[Fieldpea]

I actually think that because she is in college, that it might be better for her (for her peace of mind and stability) if you don't attempt to contact her--especially since you are not sure if you are indeed her father. You do sound like you need info, but *she* ought to keep her head into her books.


Since you feel truly compelled to get the matter settled, maybe you should contact her grandparents and uncle. Find out from them what this young woman has been told all these years about 'her father'.


Shy of dna testing, the kinds of things you're looking to learn can be learned without disturbing her life and peace of mind at all. If it turns out that you are not her father, then no harm done--you'll not have imposed on her. And if you are her father, then, with support/guidance from her grandparents and uncle, you can all figure out the best way to break the news to her (and help her settle down, emotionally), cause again.....she is in college and deserves her chance/s at preparing for her career/life as an adult. A shock like that might cost her alot in terms of emotional stability (very important).


I hope you succeed in learning the truth.


One Love, and PEACE