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  1. why did i start writing this, ugh i hate writing
    but never able to stop, i urged on

    if it wasn't wrong, what was it?
    why was there two ways to look at it?

    when you started out as wrong, the emotion began..

    but obviously none of them are right or wrong,
    and peacefully cohabitate the same mental spaces

    ok so brain storming.

    all roads lead to the same place, and now i know

    the end of the road is the beginning, and that should be clear

    there was never a line, it was always a circle

    and it last fell into here, not finally got here..

    but why the discrepancy?

    the question is.

    if I told you two stories, and they conflicted, even used the same words differently,
    could you keep track of both?

    i want to write something like that, i wonder if it is a particular style

    write two stories that conflict, but each contained different details,
    each story being for different purposes, but also each story being
    intimately intwined, so that each story was essentially mirrored...


    second question.

    what if I didn't want to call them lies, but said they were part of the second narrative,
    and that in order to access the places where that particular narrative was going to reach,
    internally, inside your mind, and into your emotions, might require some very odd work
    that seems to have almost completely gone out of fashion in certain populations.

    rhetorically, thats about it, sorry if its not a po em

    oh third point?

    watching a story about slavery.
    imagine being a black slave in america in the 1800's.
    but then imagine being a generally cultured person of the 2000s'.
    difference? time, but also.. access to knowledge. by large degree
    the outnumbered slaves were kept in bondage by control of their
    environment and control of their access to information..

    but that is only a lesser model of this behavior of restriction of wisdom.
    it happened to us all. it has happened over 'time', in the same way that
    it is thought to have happened in reverse - simultaneously.

    so none of this stuff is new, its just new this 'time', the most important
    things are remembered, and stored 'offline', as it were, so a majority of
    things that were repellent as fears were actually conditions set upon arrival..
    but against a positive will.

    (sometimes i have to trick myself to start writing like i'm already there.)
    (its just really weird and you catch yourself going (wait, I?) )

    closing eyes..

    some background:

    I'm studying a story.
    However, from what I can tell, and from the stories I've read previously,
    this seems to be a most encompassing story - cosmologically.

    That is, without mystical wording, only inverse reasoning and connected
    logic, an origin story of which I have seen parts and pieces scattered in
    every other story of such scope and magnitude.

    I've consumed these stories and lived in the worlds they made me see for
    a majority of my life, taking notes, eventually changing myself, reconfiguring,
    and trying out a new story.

    Everyone else around me seems quite satisfied with their accomplishments,
    and while there were a seeming variety of outlooks, it wasn't readily visible
    that most were maturing, or changing how they looked at things.

    My repeated changes of mind and heart seemed to contrast against others
    spiritual stability. But I never felt particularly convicted, or convinced, and
    was always asking questions that, while denoting my outlook, never wanted
    to confine the answer - I always listened to what people said. I don't have a
    difficult time listening.

    Several incarnations later - and a sporadic transformation with definite landmarks,
    I'm not quite tired of the changes of mind, but I have noticed some things.

    First, I feel more of a strain on my mind and body, and what I do to evoke these
    experiences, and very often question my orientation, and what alteration to my
    behavior my particular outlook might make. This is in itself somewhat crazy-making;
    an essentially mercurial quality of self esteem.

    Anyway I think it has been worth it.

    The second thing I've noticed is that there are definite changes to my behavior
    and reasoning, depending on the outlook I've adapted.

    So I've really questioned the entire thing.

    quote notes ahead: for life.

    I have not seen any particular value in any of the outlooks.

    No, I cannot concretely say that - they had nice t-shirts.

    And I'm not kidding - one-liners, idioms, quotes, some wisdom here,
    parts of the story there. Reverse that, change this name to that,
    don't do this, do that.

    Why? Can I form a concrete question for that? Quora status?

    Why are there so many ways of looking at the world, and is there any particular value to any of them?

    They will say location, time, tradition, etc etc.

    I call BS!!

    BS BS BS!!!!

    (Stands up and walks around fuming for a little bit)

    Ok so thats not quite the reason, and I was just lighting some candles and flares.

    Anyway, the original story is now available on the internet.

    But guess what, also available is 1.9 billion other things - the time has come and the war is on.

    Well, it could mostly be looked at as a war, however there are other ways of looking at it,
    an evolution, a journey.

    Anyhow, even with higher truths available, the people have been sedated - indeed, I think
    the conditioning/sleep has increased since I was a child, which happened to coincide with
    the common usage of world-wide communications - more access to information which could liberate humanity? Solution - more crap information and more hypnotizing manipulation and sacrifice.

    So I'm trying to get access to this story for several reasons.

    What time is it?

    I don't want to be hypnotized, I want to be fullfilled;
    I don't want myths, I want correlations;
    I don't want dos and don'ts, I want wisdom and gnosis

    By the time my father was my age he had been initiated into some secret
    order and taught all of the things that I am still discovering, but it must
    be noted that the times have changed drastically - I feel as if I can trust
    no one, I've seen so many people manipulated and turned into zombies,
    I've traveled enough to know that everyone seems to be in bondage, in
    some way, to something, but we usually have everything else to talk about.

    My father tells me I'm destined to see these things, but he
    never says much about what I can do to change these things,
    besides become more integrated in my self, which is the most
    difficult thing to steadily maintain. For me.

    I am not sure if I could go through the initiation, or if I should.

    I am inclined to do everything on my own.
    I'd build the universe from scratch just to see how it worked; I'm that kinda guy.

    Taking apart televisions when I was young lead to several broken things, and
    as it stands I've taken apart more things than I've put together, most likely,
    and mostly including my self, my own mind, my own way of looking at the
    world, my values, judgments.

    But I feel confident that this system can be put together.
    I am never failed by the miraculous appearance of insight,
    art, spirit, and inspiration in my life. I have never wanted
    more than for it to be a completed work; my art, my life.

    Crazy talk.

    I never took meds. It was new when they wanted to diagnose me.
    I refused everything and even their outlook; hospitals looked too much
    like jails to me.

    It eluded me exactly why until recently.

    I don't know how much I should say but at the same time I don't know how much I shouldn't say.

    My has been one of extreme reticence, countered by sporadic periods of prolific, nonsensical writing. Its the best way of communicating I know how, I think.

    Destee likes this.