Your Husband and Your Kids

Discussion in 'Black Parenting' started by Ledda, Apr 11, 2005.

  1. Ledda

    Ledda Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I have a friend that had three children when she re-married. Her husband then brought to the household his five year old son shortly after the marriage and she adopted this child as her own. They've been married 8 yrs. This man has always held a job while she stayed home an took care of her and the kids. He was a truck driver up until a couple years ago but was hurt on his job and couldn't drive trucks anymore. He now works and goes to school to be an electrician and she stays home. The children, two daughters and two sons, are 19, 18, 14, and 11. The 19 yr. old daughter was still at home up until last weekend when she and her step-father got into a heated argument. My friend says that she thinks her daughter was out of line. She said she' had come home from next door (her mother lives next door) and her daughter was in the kitchen. She went downstairs to the basement where her husband was and knew something was wrong and asked him about it. He said "Nothing." and the daughter then began to get disrespectful towards him. She said they "went to blows" was her words and he forcefully sat her down in a chair but she wouldn't settle down. She said she then tried to intervene and get her daughter to go next door for awhile but the daughter then broke out one of the windows. This made my friend mad and she told her daughter to get her stuff and get out. The daughter now feels like she took his side over her and the husband feels he should move out. I thought this was an interesting subject to post for step-parents or parents who are involved with someone other than their kid's biological parent and if stressing situations like this arise and can they be avoided in some way? :happens:
     
  2. Ralfa'il

    Ralfa'il Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    She said they "went to blows" was her words and he forcefully sat her down in a chair but she wouldn't settle down. She said she then tried to intervene and get her daughter to go next door for awhile but the daughter then broke out one of the windows. This made my friend mad and she told her daughter to get her stuff and get out. The daughter now feels like she took his side over her and the husband feels he should move out. I thought this was an interesting subject to post for step-parents or parents who are involved with someone other than their kid's biological parent and if stressing situations like this arise and can they be avoided in some way?


    In my opinion, the daughter was out of line.

    At 19 she's an adult and although she should repect her step-father she doesn't have to.

    But whatever went on between the 2...once her mother came in to get to the bottom of the situation she should have restrained herself and chilled.

    Breaking out one of her mother's windows is an obvious show of disrespect for her mother and her home.

    The mother had little choice but to ask her to leave.

    She really shouldn't be in the house if she can't get along with her step-father and doesn't respect and honor her mother enough to restrain herself.
     
  3. AHMOSE

    AHMOSE Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    This is an issue of respect. When a child feels like they are grown enough not to respect a parent in their parents house step parent or no step parent its time to go. The daughter needs to start building a life of her own go to school go into the services something. Children must respect their parents. Oooooooh we let mine try that oooooh! :hot:
     
  4. Intrepid

    Intrepid Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    In my opinion the daughter was out of line.
    The source of the intial problem should be talked about and solved, but tell your freind her daughter was out of line and disrespectful to her and her husband.
     
  5. PurpleMoons

    PurpleMoons Administrator STAFF

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    This is a very tough scenerio! I say this because I don't know what cause the daughter to react so disrespectfully to a man who has provided for her since she was 11 years old. Was this a one time thing or was it something that has been brewing for the whole eight years?

    Too many times you read in the paper or see on the news, that a boyfriend or husband has raped or murdered a child not their own. I can't say if she was disrespectful or whether she was acting out from some traumatic experience. Sometimes a mother's love for another will deny the obvious when children are concern. Sometimes children feel abandon when their parents finds new interests and begin to take more time out for themselves.

    Putting my child out would be very difficult for me, as I can only imagine it must have been the same for her, nor would I have wanted my husband to leave. As a family unit, this would be something I would expect for us to work out together. Like I said, I don't know what the family situation is; If the daughter has always had disrespectful tendercies or if this is just and isolated case. One thing is for sure, we would need to discuss this before making any drastic moves. They say tough love can work wonders, but in many cases, I've seen the opposite.

    I truly hope this family can resolve this situation! Family means everything to me. I can't imagine parting with any member on such ill terms!
     
  6. Radical Faith

    Radical Faith Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Little birdies must learn to fly

    First a husband and wife's bond is greater is than a young adult child. Why? Because children are suppose to grow up leave the home, marry and make a family of their on. A child interferring in a husband's and wife's business is as disrespectful as a parent interferring in their children's marriages. As a young adult if they live in their parent's house then they must heed the rules of the house. Being grown or all most grown has nothing to do with it. Grown people don't take care of grown people. That means if you were so grown you would have a place of you own or pay rent. The daughter was out of line and the husband doesn't need to go anywhere. This is an inevitable scenerio for most parents and young adult children. The daughter started smelling herself "as old folks would say". It's sad to see the daughter leave in that way. This is a sign that she was not ready to go but hey, like the commercial say "life comes at you fast." The parents need to be supportive of the daughter and aid her in the transition because of the way things ended.


    Peace....
     
  7. karmashines

    karmashines Banned MEMBER

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    Well, I feel the opposite, at least for children under 18. There are some single women who are so worried about finding a husband, that they emotionally neglect their children, which isn't right either. When you're a mother, the physical, spritual, and mental well-being of your kids needs to be a top-priority. It's bad enough that even if you don't have a relationship at all it can be challenging to make time for the kids, especially after work, college (which many people need to attend to get a better job), and chores. But you got to do it. This isn't to say that single mothers shouldn't have a right to date, but on the same token they need to not forget their kids either.

    On the flip side, though, regardless of the child's age, MUTUAL respect must be given when the boyfriend or girlfriend becomes the stepparent. The adult child in this situation has not given the respect necessary to either of her parents to receive respect. And frankly, her behavior is uncalled for period... giving her a little tough love is NOT choosing the husband over her!
     
  8. Ralfa'il

    Ralfa'il Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    True...there's no telling what the husband might have done to the girl while her mother was gone.

    But like I said, the moment her mother entered the picture she should have had enough respect for her mother to restrained herself.

    Instead of calming down, in an act of defiant rebelliousnes...she's gonna call herself "bad" "...and starts breaking windows.

    This was not only out of line, but out of character for a young lady.

    You can't deal with a person like that on a rational basis because now they're acting on emotion, so the best thing for them to do is leave before somebody ends up hurt or dead.
     
  9. Radical Faith

    Radical Faith Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    This is what I'm talking about...

    There are some single women who are so worried about finding a husband, that they emotionally neglect their children, which isn't right either.


    Why are women finding husbands after having children? It's not right that we have single women with children. Not widowed, not divorced but unwed women with children. Sure this is a all too familiar reality. How did the idea of "let's have children first before we get married" slip into our psyche? There is nothing wrong with a women wanting a family. This means a husband and children. Notice I said HUSBAND before CHILDREN. Men and women are meant to be together for more than just nights of passion.


    If we chance our thinking we will change our actions and if we change our actions we will change our reality.....


    Peace
     
  10. panafrica

    panafrica Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    How many times have we both said this on here brother Radical Faith? We always get the same excuses back in return. The reality is if we go back to the old ways: Marriage then children. All this talk of absentee fathers & no good men would become moot points!
     
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