Black Relationships : Your Course of Action

Discussion in 'Black Relationships' started by CarrieMonet, Jun 23, 2004.

  1. CarrieMonet

    CarrieMonet Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Scenario...
    You've been dating a man who has just asked you to marry him. About a month after the engagement occurs, a woman knocks on your door leaving an 11 month old boy on your porch. She hands you his birth certificate, clothes and tells you to keep him. This is the child of the man you are to marry, and you were already aware of him.

    You are still going ahead with the marriage to your man, so here are my questions to you...
    a.) Do you keep the child?
    b.) If you keep the child, would you adopt him?
    c.)Would you try to give the child back to the mother?
    d.) Would you turn the child over to the state?

    This is an actual event that happened to my mother & step brother. She chose not to adopt the child but raised him for 12 years. She raised him even though she divorced his dad after the child was 5. One day when he was 12, he took some of her jewlery to school and sold it to some friends. When my mother found out about it she gave him a spanking. My "brother" told the teachers that my mother picked him up by his ankles and beat him. My mother is 5'0 and my brother at the time was about 5'5, it was impossible for her to have done that... and although school officials did not see evidence of a beating (spanking for those who don't know), they took him out of the home.

    When the case went to court the judge told my brother that he didn't have to go back home since my mother never adopted him, but my brother said he was ready to go back home. He never thought for a second that my mother would say she didn't want him back...which is what she did. She told the court that if she couldn't discipline him the way she saw fit...which wasn't abuse - that she was not going to take him back. So he was turned over to the state because his father had already abandoned him and could not be located. His real mother of course had relinquished her rights to him and made it clear she never would acknowledge him as her son.

    I know I'm rambling. While I understand my mother's point of view, I have always wondered how she could raise him that long and then turn her back on him...especially knowing his situation. He is now 26 years old. He spent 10 years in prison and was released when he was 24...I am not aware of his whereabouts at this time.
     
  2. jazzymoonchild

    jazzymoonchild Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Wow,

    That is a sad story. Anytime you merge families, there is bound to be some tension from someone. It is a shame that his natural parents ran out on him, and your mom was left to care for him alone. I have respect for her being able to step up and treat him as her own even after severing the relationship with his father. I would not have been able to just turn my back on a child that I had raised, but by the same token, I've never been placed in the position of making that choice. If he could disrespect your mother and steal from her at 12, the chances of him doing greater harm later in life would most likely increase. She chose not to have that headache. Don't fault her for it.
     
  3. Destee

    Destee destee.com STAFF

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    Hello Sister Carrie Monet ... such a sad story, thank you for sharing it with us. Bless your Mother's heart. Bless your Brother's heart. Bless your heart.

    While you ask, "What would i do?," in this situation ... no matter what i say i would have done, it can only pale in comparison to what your Mother did.

    I think we can try to analyze each piece of why a Sister or Brother did what they did, at each step, saying what we would have done ... when we've not had that cup to drink from.

    It makes a great difference, if it is your cup to drink ... and you have these decisions to make.

    I commend your Mother on doing what she could, for as long as she could.

    God Bless.

    :heart:

    Destee
     
  4. CarrieMonet

    CarrieMonet Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Thank you for the kind responses.

    I guess my thing is, she still had an opportunity to adopt him at 12 during the court hearing. She told me she wasn't getting child support for him...and I think she assumed that by letting the state take him that they would eventually find his father.

    Instead when he ran away he left the state of Oklahoma, came back here to Washington state to try to find his real mother. He was just 14. He located his birth mother, went to her house, knocked on her door and got the surprise of his young life. When his birth mother answered the door, he announced that he was her son "D"...she just looked at him and then said "I don't have a son named "D" "and slammed the door in his face. From that incident he tried to find his father in Spokane Washington and that is where he got involved in gangs and ended up in Prison. Come to find out his father was also in prison.

    Sometimes I feel like his life would have turned out better had my mother given him a second chance. There weren't any gangs in Oklahoma, and "D" really was a good kid...
     
  5. Destee

    Destee destee.com STAFF

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    Sister CarrieMonet ... i understand your questions. If this were a hypothetical situation, i'd have more opinion to give, but it's real. It's your life. I think more wisdom is required here, and again, mine pales in comparison to your Mother's. She is the only person who can truly answer your questions. Have you asked her?

    I don't know, but i'd imagine her heart is broken regarding this, even moreso than yours. I'm sure she may have spent a good portion of her life, second guessing her decision, faulting herself. All we can do when faced with a decision, is to do our best. I'm sure your Mother believed, based on all she had to go on, that that was the best decision. You have to give her this much consideration, as she took the responsibility on, and kept it for awhile, when she did not have to.

    If i were you, i'd be taking example from my Mother's actions. I'd focus on the good that she did, and hope that the decisions i make can be reflective of her good ... as well as a challenge for me to do better, if i can.

    All we can do is our best, and i'd trust that my Mother did that ... in spite of the way things turned out.

    :heart:

    Destee
     
  6. The_Entertainer

    The_Entertainer Member MEMBER

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    Hey carrie!!! (coming from a man's point of view). I think your mom is a strong woman, and also has shown a great deal of motherly love. Taking a child into your own hands, thats not yours, is never an easy thing (I've known from experience as my brother tried that with a child from birth.) I also think its great that she kept him for so long. BUTTTTTTTTTTT, there comes a time where she probably got pushed just a little to far. I mean if it wasn't this incident, what would the future hold? Another problem being that your mom is holding onto someone who belongs to "another family" I guess, if you can say that. But I just feel your mother was great in the fact that she kept him for so long, but I think her final plans were justified for reasons that may even go unheard.
     
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