Poetry Critiques : You Love Me!

Discussion in 'Black Poetry - Get Your Flow On!' started by Poetic Justice, Feb 1, 2005.

  1. Poetic Justice

    Poetic Justice Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    You Love Me.undefined
    Silently mesmerized by the soft kiss that i unfold, careful not to pull away until the moment is told, you love me.
    Brushing up against me in the night, cradiling me ever so tight, you love me.
    Looking in my eyes when my eyes are so bright the anger there flashing red and purple lights, you love me.
    Taking my hand as we cross the street, holding me close and telling me i am so sweet.
    Feeling your heart beat beneath my hand, sending shivers along your back until your spine sings you love me.
    Caught in the depth of my love, squeezing me into the pillars of your being, you love me, smiling at my funny jokes, laughing even when you want to choke, you love me, dancing with me and playing with my hair, sending love everywhere, you love me.
    Staying up until the break of Dawn, getting up to make breakfast without even a yawn, you love me.
    Staring at the glare of the stars starry night happy to be with me in the right,
    Thinking of our marriage and all that it brings, sharing so many happy things.
    On your knees and in a fright waiting for me to appease and tease until the moon appears tonight.
    Touching me in my sacred place, laying it down like you are in a race, making me gasp and grab in the air to only lay against my stomach anywhere.
    Taking my womanhood and planting seeds there, to bring forth babies for yesteryear, you love me!
     
  2. MANASIAC

    MANASIAC Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Shawn really loves you! You illustrate eloquently in this piece.



    Some poets will try to tell you that your stanzas are jumbled up and need to be clearer; however, one can arrange their stanzas in any fashion they choose. I personally like your arrangement, because to me, the closeness of the stanzas and words, show the intimacy of the relationship. I really think you two are soul mates, and it shows without reading the poem.



    Do not get caught up in trying to write your stanzas a certain way. Just write and rearrange whenever you see fit.



    The only real problem is the use of grammar. A quick note:



    If you use grammar you will be subject too it is rules, when writing free verse or any poetry for that matter; it is better to use no grammar at all (Spelling and Grammar is different do not get lazy!!). What this does is free up your words and your poetry, and it gives you more control over your poetry, because you are not giving control to grammar and structured writing.



    Other than that, this was an awesome piece of poetry, and one that showed a true sense of love and happiness. I wish the best for you two and I hope that you are together forever.

     
  3. 1poetsought

    1poetsought Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Sweet Nothings

    Love is a wonderful thing and inspires everyone affected . Our subject is no exception, having obviously written her poem as a tribute to being in love. This poem is a reminder that love springs eternal, and that there is someone to love for every somebody. Thanks for the encouragement.

    Please continue to share the beautiful experience of love with the rest of the world, be it in poetry or song. Softly sing its praises, using metaphors that paint a picture. After all, outside of God, no one understands love as we poets do.

    :love: I Loved Your Poem ~
     
  4. Khasm13

    Khasm13 STAFF STAFF

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    wow...i was totally caught in a rapture behind this piece...
    you were able to express multiple reasons and experiences to profess that you are truly loved.there is not a thing that i would change on this poem...not at all...it's good to see you over here shawnswife...i hope i catch some more of your poetry in these parts....

    one love
    khasm
     
  5. Prizefighter16

    Prizefighter16 Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    very heartfelt poem. I think the suggestions of the people above basically said it all. nice work
     
  6. Poetic Justice

    Poetic Justice Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Thank you all for your feedback, i had forgot i posted this.
    It really makes me feel priviledged to be among you wonderful soulful poets.
     
  7. Lloyd

    Lloyd Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    WON-DER-FUL!!!!

    What word is really accurated to see how deep your poem has touched me?I don't really know.Why am i like that,i don't know but i really like to see love;your own is just like a movie (Have you ever think about making a second "Titanic" where the lovers won't die -smile-).
    I wish you all the love you really desire!Let it be from now until forever -like the one of angels-.May i be a virtual god-father soon
    Love sista
     
  8. angelicsage

    angelicsage Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    There is no doubt about it, this piece contains passion and emotion
    that leaps through the words, which I find elemental in poetry: I
    commend you on that achievement.

    While it is a very touching and poignant poem, I would like to see
    a bit more punctuation to keep some of the messages in the lines
    from running together, this would improve the flow.

    I would also re-read (aloud) after I finish a piece to look for and hear
    inconsistencies in the parrallelism of the theme. Such as, I
    thought you were only focusing on how "he loves you" but
    you weave a little of your own acts of love toward him into
    the piece,which isn't a problem but the mindset of the reader
    is that they will be reading about "how he loves you" and it
    causes the readers mind to shift gears, to process the information
    which can sometimes break the "Embrace" as I like to call it,
    in the flow.

    The only other thing I would question is the use of the word yesteryear
    in the last line, in reference to bringing forth life.../ life comes forward...
    so I would probably use a different word when speaking of building a
    legacy, making babies and the theme of future family and love.

    Overall...it was a wonderfully conveyed poem. You definitely have talent
    and I would continue hone that gift until it knocks your reader
    completely off their feet...because I believe anyone who reads this would
    be blown away at the layers of intimacy.

    Keep up the good work.
    Sage
     
  9. Young Poet

    Young Poet Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    hello, I am new here.. and figured I would critique this piece..

    First off, I think it is a great poem.. I didn't really find too much wrong with it. You express your thoughts and feelings clearly, and you trap the reader into finishing the poem.

    Just one suggestion if you don't mind:

    I myself would personally break it up into stanzas, for it to be easier for the reader to read.. I don't know about everyone else, but the way it was all just stuck together, I accidently read some lines two or three times. But other than that, I think its fine.. and you got some talent.
     
  10. AHMOSE

    AHMOSE Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I can feel the love that is shared by the writer in this piece. Love is definitely in the air no matter what tyme of year it is. Thanks for the drop.

    :spinstar: :heart: :spinstar:
     
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