Black Parenting : You act just like your no good daddy.....

Something I heard more than once when i was a child, I did not realize til I was grown. But these statements literally brainwashed me, turned me against my dad when I had no reason not to trust him. looking back, my dad told me several times that I could come live with him whenever I wanted to, by then however I was already brainwashed into thinking he was the big bad wolf.

Another question is, how many single mothers are at fault at least in part for the failure of their marriage/relationship. meaning some of these mothers who call the daddy no good, are literally using the child support system as a weapon to win arguments, or get "the last word". this is a complex problem that both men and women are at fault.

for instance I know a guy who’s wife found some adult video clips on his cpu's hard drive. she took their kid and left him in the middle of the night all in the name of her "religious beliefs", not because he cheated, or was on dope ,or was in and out of jail, but because she found porn on the computer. she refuses to let him see the kid, and now she is suing for child support. no basically this guy is not currently in his kids life ,because the baby's mother is "mad" at the dad, ridiculous I say.

What I am saying is you cannot automatically assume that just because the mother is the single parent, that means that the baby's daddy is no good, it just maybe be, and many times is vice versa. a little bit off topic, but i thought this sentiment was relevant.

But to answer the question, this type of ignorance will have damning effects on the kids psyche.


Brother Therious ... in regard to the question about the failure of the relationship being partially the Mother's fault, is certainly true, for both parties are in it together and must share equally in the outcome ... good or bad.

It's really unfortunate that we are able to decide to become involved with other adults on our own, yet require the court system (white people) to get us out of circumstances we put ourselves in. Adult Black Men and Women should be able to work out such things for themselves.

If the adults involved can't work it out for themselves, in the best interest of all involved, the court system is there to try and do it for you. It's been there long enough for every adult to know, this could be the end, prior to becoming involved with each other. The court system is no great big surprise to anyone, the way they meet out justice.

With this in mind, it seems every Brother and Sister ... especially Brothers ... would be very very very careful of where they put their penis, or any actions or interactions that might remotely end them up in the last place they probably want to be ... child support court.

Yeah ... the Brothers (or Sisters) can blame the other parent for their being there. They could even blame it on the rain, but at some point I'd hope that they'd recognize their very own conscious decision to become involved with a person to a degree that could land them in this place ... and that can't be overlooked ... for it was the start of it all.

They are totally responsible for that ... allowing such a relationship to exist in their life ... for it did not have to be.

They made the decision to put the penis in the vagina, when they could have chosen not to do it.

It's like deciding to leave dry land, and get on a boat, and head out to sea.

Once out there, a hole in the boat develops, the winds toss you to and and fro, and the captain can't do anything about it! A friend invited you on the outing, and you could even blame them for your being there. But ultimately, you decided to leave the dry land, and board the boat. You could spend your time feeling seasick, hoping you survive the ordeal, blaming everyone but yourself ... which we often do as a people ... never considering you were once safe, on dry land, prior to willingly boarding the boat. We often try to put the consequences of our choices on others ... but it's not really how life works.

We are each responsible for the decisions we make, and will reap the reward or suffer the consequences accordingly.

If a Brother doesn't want to be in court with a Sister, about child support, he can completely and totally avoid that by keeping his penis in his pants.

Aint no sense in crying about what happened after the penis enters the vagina ... because at that point you've relinquished control ... it's over ... quit crying and pay.

It's no secret. It should not be a surprise. In fact, it should be expected.

So, let us be very careful and wise regarding our genitalia ... for the consequences are great!

It's good to be sharing with you again!

Love You!

:heart:

Destee
 
No Sister, I don't mean to appear as though I'm disregarding your situation or am privy to all it entails.

This topic Brother Info broached, is pretty general, when it comes to raising children ... and the things I've said ... I believe ... apply across the board, no matter what transpires, who has custody, etc., if the well-being of the child is at the forefront.

It was about "us" ... both of yall ... when it came to the creation of the child ... but at this point ... the "us" has separated ... and while we'd want the "us" in such situations to work in conjunction and harmony with each other from conception and beyond ... it just doesn't always happen that way ... and if that's not the case ... EACH INDIVIDUAL PARENT has a responsibility, separate from the other, whether they live up to it or not.

These individual responsibilities are not always directly tied to, dependent on, or determined by, the other parent's individual responsibility.

The decision to allow him to be the custodial parent, I'm sure you thought it was the best thing to do ... for her ... at some point in that decision making process.

If you truly feel you've made a mistake, and can change it, I encourage you to do that.

But until then ... you have to stand firm on the decision you've made. Yes, children will often say they don't want to be with the parent they're with. I remember always wanting to live with my GrandParents as a child. It's natural for a child to play one parent against another, or try to make a situation more to their liking ... you should not get too caught up in that ... especially if when you made the decision to give up custody ... you thought it was the best thing to do.

In fact, children already know what each parent wants to hear, and they play on that. She knows how you feel about them, and how they feel about you. It's way too much for children to bear, the confusing dynamics of adult relationships gone wrong. Yeah, the child may be able to manipulate it a bit in their favor, but overall, it's too much for them. They should feel none of that, if at all possible. Look how challenging it is for the adults to deal with it in civil, respectful, honorable ways ... yet we often put this burden on the children ... who have even less ability to process it properly.

When she says such things, encourage her to not feel that way, to love her Father, to know that she can come with you when she wants ... that she has both of you.

If you really can't see your child when you want, or when has been agreed upon ... and you're paying child support ... doing all the things you're suppose to do ... go to court ... he has no right to deny you visitation.

I'd say this same thing to a Brother, for it's often Brothers that are in like situations.

My comments are not meant to personally offend you ... to appear insensitive to your situation ... for they apply across the board.

The situations, particulars, etc., don't matter. Each parent should foster a foundation of love for the other parent within the child, if they want what is best for their child.

Of course though ... if he's abusing the child ... some ugly carrying on like that ... it's a horse of a different color.

But short of that ... you should be encouraging her to love him, be with him, etc., ... and he should do the same.

Love You!

:heart:

Destee

I disagree...It is always about "US" [him and I]...when it comes to being parents...I hate to say that I'm a single parent, because I'm not, my daughter's dad is still involved with my child...This is a team effort when it comes to raising my daughter, whether we agree or disagree...

The only thing that separated is our dating relationship with one another...

There are certain situations where both parents are involved, for example school...Both him and I go to parenting conferences together, or if I can't make it he tells about it...Or doctor's visitation, who said that's a one parent job?? He informs me of that... Why? Because both are involved....and should

Now when it comes to her starting her menstrual cycle, sure I'm going the one to tell about that...And teaching her how to be a woman...Now he may teach her about how boys are and so can I...

So separate roles aren't always going to be separate...

Children don't learn how to play one person against the other from just out the blue...They have to learn it from somewhere...so where do you think they learn that from? Barney? Spongebob?

Unless you've been on the same side I'm on, you'll never understand what I'm trying to say...And I've been on both sides...

Being the mother having the custody to being the mother who is the non-custodial parent...And it is VERY hard to be the non-custodial parent...not that the other one isn't

Parenting is not easy, but it's also the greatest joy I've every had, to be my daughter's mother...
 
I disagree...It is always about "US" [him and I]...when it comes to being parents...I hate to say that I'm a single parent, because I'm not, my daughter's dad is still involved with my child...This is a team effort when it comes to raising my daughter, whether we agree or disagree...

The only thing that separated is our dating relationship with one another...

There are certain situations where both parents are involved, for example school...Both him and I go to parenting conferences together, or if I can't make it he tells about it...Or doctor's visitation, who said that's a one parent job?? He informs me of that... Why? Because both are involved....and should

Now when it comes to her starting her menstrual cycle, sure I'm going the one to tell about that...And teaching her how to be a woman...Now he may teach her about how boys are and so can I...

So separate roles aren't always going to be separate...

Children don't learn how to play one person against the other from just out the blue...They have to learn it from somewhere...so where do you think they learn that from? Barney? Spongebob?

Unless you've been on the same side I'm on, you'll never understand what I'm trying to say...And I've been on both sides...

Being the mother having the custody to being the mother who is the non-custodial parent...And it is VERY hard to be the non-custodial parent...not that the other one isn't

Parenting is not easy, but it's also the greatest joy I've every had, to be my daughter's mother...


No, I've never had a Father that stepped up and said, I'll take my baby and care for her/him.

That is a beautiful option to have. Most Mothers raising babies alone, have not been blessed in the same manner you have.

You obviously think enough of him to relinquish her day to day care to him, which means he must be a pretty awesome Brother.

That's all I'm saying ... stay on that page with her ... giving her to know how wonderful her Father is (which in turn means, how wonderful she is).

For to harbor the "i don't care for him" energy inside yourself ... confuses the child and makes an already challenging situation, moreso.

In fact, based on the above, it seems you'd love him greatly ... for being such a great Father alone ... for many men aren't doing as he is.

I'm glad the two of you are able to work so well together. That's beautiful.

Love You!

:heart:

Destee
 
peace

I heard this the other day as a black woman was scolding her son on line in front of me and it brought back memories, as i heard the same thing a couple of times from my mother when i was younger. Problem was that at that time i had only seen my father maybe once or twice (i was about 9), so my response was "well at least now i know something about him". Of course i was being a wise @-s, but the only time i ever heard the guy mentioned is when i was apparently "acting up", so i was left confused.



Do you think this statement helps, hurts, or just confuses a male child? Especially, if the child has never met his father....

I've NEVER heard a father tell his daughter that she is acting just like her no good mother.




:11300:


This statement hurts a child regardless of gender. It is the sign of an unfit mother. It is seldom said as a valued lesson














:yo:

 
Until he became an adult, I never had a convo about his mother that my son didnt initiate. I also, spoke very positive of her. I always spoke very respectful to her when he was around. He formed his own impressions. He has told me some very negative things said about me over the years. I always bit my tounge. Now that he is grown, I speak to him as an adult. Now he can process things. He has had some experiences.

When a parent downs another, the child will grow to see examples of whether it is a lie or truth.

GOD help you if you lied to them

:em2400:













:nono:


 

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