Black Relationships : Women That Stay In ABUSIVE Relationships(WHY)?

Discussion in 'Black Relationships' started by FINDLOVEINME_RETURNS, Jun 8, 2013.

  1. FINDLOVEINME_RETURNS

    FINDLOVEINME_RETURNS Member MEMBER

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    Domestic abuse vs knowing yourself worth,
    Why do some victims of domestic abuse return back to their abuser?

    I ask this question, because I am just trying to grasp if your mate, all in a one day in a half event, beats you, strangle you multiple times, pull a gun on you, shot 6 bullets trying to get to you, held you hostage in your own space after kicking your behind, then he falls asleep and dared you to move, you try to escape the next day and get caught, he breaks your car window, then beat you down in the street while people do nothing as you scream for your life, finally you were able to escape and got to your car, drove like you were trying to reach heaven from hell, then after 2 days the victim is sincerely thinking about going back to a death sentence at the hands of her abuser because she loves him.
    If this victim returns, how can they still be consider the victim, if they decide to accept the role,

    The abusers has a drug and alcohol dependency, and 3 priors for domestic violence and a restraining order from a past relationship.

    How do you get someone to understand that life may afford you a second chance, but death is permanent with no chance of renewal?
     
  2. Jaya Makara

    Jaya Makara Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    To answer your question I can say as a victim of DV it's not as easy as one thinks. I too was stuck for about 3 yrs and he beat me while I was pregnant and told me I was the reason why he hit me. It's a manipulation/control game. Some men prey on women's emotions and play games with their minds.

    My ex used to beat me then "love" me. Took me shopping and loved my child so I thought the issues really was me until I got to the point I was sick of his nonsense. It's a generational curse. We were abused for over 400 yrs.

    I'm in a position now to help a young lady in a similar position i was in but it's hard to tell her what to do because you know what to do to get out but it's like you love them and it's hard. you think you are losing something/someone who is truly great. But you are really losing you when you stay.

    Sometimes we think we can change a man and if we pray and love enough he will change because of our love for him. As women we need to realize that men like that are not worth the energy. Also it's about upbringing. If you are used to abuse then you are prone to have or be an abuser yourself.

    But a lot of these types of men are con artists and liars. It took me finding out about his lies and fake lives and all the drama that happened was because of him. I ran with the quickness. It truly all depends on the woman.
     
  3. FINDLOVEINME_RETURNS

    FINDLOVEINME_RETURNS Member MEMBER

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    Thanks for sharing your honesty. I am also a survivor of DV. It happen between the age of 18 - 23 and your story is very familiar to me, because most abusers share the same type of Characteristics.
    I am 49 now and have spent over the past 20+ years trying to regain a normal life. My reason for asking this question today was because my sister is in her late 40's and was the women I was speaking about in my above story. I have tried to explain to her that he is going to kill her at this rate, but when she said that she was thinking about going back to him if though she was wrong for leaving him, just made me think why? It is just so hard to justify an abuser right to abuse women. I was young and was continuously abuse by an uncle until age 16 starting from a very very early age and that lifestyle was normal for me. I know this can happen at any age, but she is almost 47 never ever been in this situation and she just don't seem to realize that if she doesn't let him go, he will destroy her.
     
  4. Kadijah

    Kadijah Banned MEMBER

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    From the outside looking in (and wondering "how?" myself), it seems to me that it's not that the woman loves the man, she loves 1) the drama 2) feeling "needed" 3) (name your poison). Women are socialized early on to express our nurturing natures. Romantic literature is filled with self-sacrifice on the woman's part ("I'll be so good to him that he will appreciate me!"). Fairy tales, cartoons, (thinking of "Beauty and the Beast") all say that "the love of a good woman" can move mountains, turn a "beast" into a prince.

    And all of it's a lie.

    As one senior relative who took in her "separated from for 20 years" grossly abusive husband when he was sick, had no where else to go, no one else to turn to and let him live with her on her farm for his last 10 years, found out.... Ole boy was in the hospital on his death bed. She came into the room. He squinted open an eye, looked at her and said: "I ain't sorry for nuthin' I ever did!" And then he died.
     
  5. Kemetstry

    Kemetstry going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaam! Hopefully, he's burning in a very warm place





    ..
     
  6. FINDLOVEINME_RETURNS

    FINDLOVEINME_RETURNS Member MEMBER

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    So so very sad, about your family member. That is a hard pill to digest. Hopefully she was able to regroup, knowing some people never change. Sometimes even the ones you love the most hurts you the worst.
     
  7. FINDLOVEINME_RETURNS

    FINDLOVEINME_RETURNS Member MEMBER

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    LORD,
    I NEED YOU TO TELL ME,
    HOW AM I SUPPOSE TO FEEL
    WHEN I CAN'T FEEL NOTHING AT ALL
    NUMB TO THE PAIN OF MY REALITY
    CAN'T DEAL WITH THE FORMALITIES
    OF MY TRUTH
    NO,
    I DON'T NEED DR. PHIL OR DR. RUTH

    I NEED A SALVATION, A NEW REVELATION
    I NEED REDEMPTION NOT TO MENTION
    I NEED YOU LORD

    PLEASE TELL ME, HOW, AM I SUPPOSE TO FEEL, WHEN I NO LONGER CAN HIDE THE BLACK EYES
    WHEN THE PAIN HURT SO BAD, THAT MY EYES CAN NO LONGER FORM TEARS TO CRY

    HOW, AM I SUPPOSE TO FEEL WHEN HIS FIST MAKE MY FACE LOOK LIKE IT UNDER CONSTRUCTION
    WHEN HIS ABUSE CAUSE MY LIFE TO LIE IN TOTAL DESTRUCTION

    JUST PLEASE TELL ME HOW, AM I SUPPOSE TO FEEL AS MY LIPS BEGAN TO SWELL ON MY FACE
    WHEN MY ONLY REALITY IS THE BLOOD FROM MY MOUTH THAT I TASTE

    HERE I, AM A BITC# AGAIN TODAY, NEVER ANY KIND WORDS TO SAY
    BUT THROUGH IT ALL I STILL FIND THE STRENGTH TO PRAY, THAT I'VE SURVIVED ANOTHER DAY

    LORD YOU KNOW,
    I HAVE CRIED OUT, REACHED OUT, SHOUTED OUT UNTIL I, AM, ALMOST PRAYED OUT
    I FEEL SO LEFT OUT, WORN OUT, DYING OUT FROM ABUSE THAT HAS PUT MY MIND IN SO MUCH DOUBT

    LORD PLEASE LOOK AT ME, YOU SAY I, AM, YOUR CHILD, PLEASE HELP ME, I WANT TO DIE
    YET I DON'T BELIEVE IN SUICIDE, BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH LONGER I CAN SURVIVE

    LORD I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO PRAY ANYMORE, MY THOUGHTS ARE NO LONGER MINES TO THINK
    I'M SO SCARED, BECAUSE, HE WANTS TO CONTROL EVERYTHING ABOUT ME, EVEN THE WORDS WRITTEN IN THIS INK

    LORD IF NOT TONIGHT, SOMEDAY
    CAN YOU PLEASE FIND ME, HELP ME, SEEK ME, KEEP ME, PLEASE RELEASE ME
    FROM THIS PERSONAL HELL, FROM THE ME THAT I'VE FAILED

    SAVE ME FROM THE HANDS THAT DEMANDS MY DIGNITY AND MY SANITY
    PLEASE SAVE ME FROM THE MAN, THAT HATE TO LOVE ME, BUT LOVES TO HATE ME

    I DON'T KNOW HOW I GOT TO BE HERE, BUT I STAND BEFORE YOU, WITH NOTHING LEFT OF ME BUT MY WORDS AND MY HEART
    I STAND BEFORE YOU WITH THE LAST BREATH THAT I MAY GET A CHANCE TO BREATHE, ASKING YOU TO CHOOSE ME A BRAND NEW START

    LORD PLEASE BLESS ME AND GIVE ME A CHANCE TO FEEL
    WHAT IT'S LIKE TO HAVE MY SOUL AT PEACE AND MY SPIRIT HEALED

    TONIGHT LORD
    TAKE ME BACK, TAKE ME FROM THIS DEMON, I CALLED MY MAN
    REMIND HIM THAT YOUR LOVE FOR ME, IS MORE POWERFUL THAN THE STRENGHT OF HIS HAND

    © Copyright 2004 by FINDLOVEINME
     
  8. Kadijah

    Kadijah Banned MEMBER

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    God helps those that help themselves.

    Stop believing the lies of your "helplessness", and if not Dr. Phil or Dr. Ruth, try the Rev. Dr. whatever to help you get yourself together (NOT do it "for" you, but help you). That last stanza is a complete turn-off for me, asking God to do FOR you what He has given you the wherewithal to do for yourself.
     
  9. Kemetstry

    Kemetstry going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    Let the people say AMEN!!!!!!!




    .
     
  10. FINDLOVEINME_RETURNS

    FINDLOVEINME_RETURNS Member MEMBER

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    Yes you are so right, I am not in that state, by no means. This poem came by the way of someone at that time in 2004 that was just searching for God in their madness and sometime people have to find God in their own way. Knowing them they did not have much faith in God because of the situation. Without passing judgement we all have been through situations were you have to go through something to know the power of GOD and his favor on your life. In the perfect world everyone should know God, everyone should make every effort to help themselves. I don't believe in self pity and helplessness, and can testify that if it had not been for GOD, having mercy on me and my life, where would I be? The poem was not to promote helplessness it was written from the eyes and conversation of someone that was going through Domestic Violence and was searching for answers from anywhere, they lost faith, because they thought GOD had left them and sometimes you may have to reach your lowest point in life and to go though the pain of surviving the madness, to know God's love for you. I only took from the poem a woman that have tried the worldly way of trying to help herself , went through the stage of blaming God for her life until she realize that she truly needed him. I just felt she in her own way was asking for help, because she had no answers and was lost, know that her life could last living the way she was. Though the words in the poem may not be in perfect line to how you felt she should have helped herself, but speaking from just honesty if every person that is going through d/v knew how to help themselves, there would be less abused women. Sometimes people are blinded, scared. emotionally and physically beaten and is seaching for answers. Some of these women don't know God personally, they may only know his name and the stories of him.
    My friend passed away from d/v and this was written a month before she died in a conversation with her. I just pray that she was able to built a relationship with him, before she passed.This may have been her way of trying to start over, but she never made it out of her situation.
    With much love and respect to you, I thank you for your honesty and hope that at the end we can still understand that there are millions of women abused everyday and we can continue to pray that they can find the courage to help themselves before it is to late.
    Peace
     
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