Poetry Critiques : Winter on its way...

Discussion in 'Black Poetry - Get Your Flow On!' started by moham, Feb 4, 2005.

  1. moham

    moham Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Winter on its way….

    A clear white morning
    Blinded us,
    all seem bright
    Everything looked
    Pure and white

    but the feeling went away
    and with it did the colors
    and true colors make a day
    so what reason it gives to stay

    and the flocks they kept on falling
    silently they froze us up
    so anxiously awaiting, praying
    the snowing it will stop.



    Ok I hope somebody, anybody will give me their comments. :)...:x:
     
  2. 1poetsought

    1poetsought Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    You have something to work with here. Thanks for sharing. Here are my thoughts.

    The title suggest that the piece is about winter approaching, followed by a clear white morning blinding us... perhaps if we were told who "us" was (just a thought).

    The words clear. bright, and pure, I find somewhat confusing.

    You state " but the feeling went away"' when there had been no previous mention of emotion of any kind.

    I like "true colors make a day", for real. Did you mean flecks instead of flocks?

    The last stanza should always, in my opinion, close the deal by going out with a bang. I am no expert, but I wanted to respond to this beacuse I believe that it has the making of a really nice Moham joint. PEACE ~


    :confused:
     
  3. moham

    moham Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Hey 1Poet,

    many thanks for sharing your thoughts!!!
    I have to say that I wrote this for myself, meaning I didn't pay attention to the reader at all.
    I just wrote down what came up in my mind.
    Sometimes I have trouble with putting my emotions and feelings into words.

    I'm getting sleepy, so I'll post my 'feelings' tomorrow. :yawn:

    but thanks again for responding...this is my chance to learn..

    gr
    moham :)







     
  4. 1poetsought

    1poetsought Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Moham, my pleasure... I know that you will grow by leaps and bounds.
     
  5. deepy

    deepy going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    moham...
    like 1poetsought..definitely something to work with...
    the first stanza quite clear...from title..stanza expressed the whiteness of the snow and how it blinds..(what makes it work is because it is multilayered..bythat i mean snow as in weather...and snow as in cocaine)..whether you consciously thought of that .. just know it is moving on several levels..
    it is the 2nd stanza i am not clear about...questions
    what feeling are you speaking of?..and are the colors those which existed before the snow came? that is not clear to me
    once you clarify the 2nd stanza..somehow i believe your creative energies will resolve more clearly the 3rd...
    but the first..., for me,..is nice...is the word seem or seemed?
     
  6. HODEE

    HODEE Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    First I will take the poem as you wrote it. I like the poem.

    What I am writing is what I read. Not necessarily what you meant. So in that context let me go off on a tangent. I also see what Deepy and 1Poet saw in the poem. But I see something deeper too.

    " The clear white morning " representing the race of white men. Their ideology and thinking of themselves.

    " The blinding of us " referring to the African American community. What I read in the poem is the freezing of progress in America of others. Namely Black Americans.

    In the stanza " Praying the snowing it will stop, is referring to the oppressions and change we often pray for in our lives. You know we are some praying folks, always asking in prayer what we can't get here on earth. So let the white race stop falling on us like a blanket of snow, that cripples a city.

    I liked the poem. I thought it causes the reader to open up to what he/she feels. This is what a good poem composition is about. Having more than one interpretation leaves growth for the reader and the writer to enjoy different aspects of a poem.

    Like 1Poet, he saw snow, and Deepy saw this as a reference to weather...and snow as in cocaine. It is in the reader of poetry to interpret the meaning of the poem.

    Everything looked
    Pure and white

    but the feeling went away
    and with it did the colors
    and true colors make a day
    so what reason it gives to stay


    In this I read that without all of the races of color. The world is a bland color globe, and every hue is significant to its existence. If we aren't welcome here, ( so what reason it gives to stay ) then why should we stay?

    I think you are well on your way to dropping some great poems. Work on your expressions and getting the meaning clear and you will grow. We all are growing know that. Poetry isn't finished with us yet!


    " I have to say that I wrote this for myself, meaning I didn't pay attention to the reader at all.
    I just wrote down what came up in my mind."

    I do this myself. So there is nothing wrong with this type of writing. It should convey the poets thoughts first, it will please many readers. As you write and are taking your a reader into consideration, do your best to not loose the feelings, content or meaning you want to convey doing so. Keep flowing.
     
  7. Khasm13

    Khasm13 STAFF STAFF

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    interesting poem moham...hmmm
    good comments fam...i'ma roll back a lil later with mines...
    one love
    khasm
     
  8. moham

    moham Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Hi everybody,

    Really interesting points (of view) you have. Here I go.

    Basically, this piece is about two lovers growing cold and distant.
    It was really difficult for me to explain this piece, though. Trying to explain it, I discovered the many layers this piece has for me, personally.
    I’ll start off with telling you how this piece came about. I saw myself stepping into a snow-white scenery. Enjoying the beauty of the surroundings, but then after a while realisizing that it was freezing cold. The thought that stuck in my mind was: ‘That something seemingly beautiful can be so cold’. That what you see and that what you feel is totally different.

    I used a beautiful snow-white scenery to represent (a certain phase in) a relationship between two people/lovers.

    My first title was: “It snowed last night”, but then I changed it to: “winter on its way”. The coming of winter ( a cold period/season) being something inevitable and unstoppable. And how on ‘its way’ it has a ‘freezing’ effect on the love relationship.

    A clear white morning
    This suggests that it snowed before.

    Blinded us,
    Sometimes when you go out skiing, there lays so much snow that you can get lost. This is because you have a totally white view: it’s like a kind of blindness. Sight is lost(of where they want to go in the relationship).

    all seem bright
    Everything looked
    Pure and white

    Here I was talking about the beauty of a snow-white scenery. Untouched and pure: you don’t see any footsteps or car tracks yet, for example.

    - In this first part I emphasize the seemingly beauty of a snow-white scenery. The underlying feeling is that the beauty (of the relationship) is just a farce.-


    but the feeling went away
    When , for example, your fingers get cold, they get numb. You loose the feeling in them. Metaphorically the lovers become numb.

    and with it did the colors
    With the colors I meant warmth.

    and true colors make a day
    With true colors (green orange etc.) I meant warmth, but also life.

    so what reason it gives to stay
    Feeling and warmth not there, so why stay in the relationship.

    - In this part I try to emphasize the coldness of the winter. Winter bringing coldness, coldness leading to numbness. Representing coldness and numbness in the relationship.-

    and the flocks they kept on falling
    silently they froze us up
    so anxiously awaiting, praying
    the snowing it will stop.

    Lovers grow colder and distant. The only thing to do is to pray that this is just a phase.

    - In this part I try to emphasize the seemingly inevitability of the situation and the despair and then the hoping.-

    Btw:
    seem should be seemed
    Flocks should be flakes.
    :)

    Ok I hope I explained it well. Thanks for the help and the responding.

    gr
    moham :)
     
  9. Prizefighter16

    Prizefighter16 Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Hi moham... personally I think the poem is fine the way it is, because it gives room for the reader to interpret it in different ways, even tho you didn't write it for the reader necessarily.

    this is how I read it. From one point, it looks like you're in a relationship...us being you and your spouse. In the beginning the relationship seems alright, the light expresses that. But the feeling went away, as you said, which is self explanatory, and all the colors, could be the love, you said, and true colors make a day, That could be true love makes a relationship.

    Im sure flocks meant flakes. Drama could be the flakes, or anti-light feeling, which was in the first stanza, just increases. The last to lines could mean that you just wanted it to end.

    I like the poem. It started out in one aspect, and ended up changing tune.

    However, I think the title does not reflect the full message of the poem.

    Im sure I'll interpret it different tommorow. lol.
     
  10. Prizefighter16

    Prizefighter16 Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    ooopps, sorry, didn't read your explanation of the poem, ok, thanks. well i was somewhat close...right?
     
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