Poetry Critiques : Winter on its way...

moham

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REGISTERED MEMBER
Jun 30, 2003
385
16
Winter on its way….

A clear white morning
Blinded us,
all seem bright
Everything looked
Pure and white

but the feeling went away
and with it did the colors
and true colors make a day
so what reason it gives to stay

and the flocks they kept on falling
silently they froze us up
so anxiously awaiting, praying
the snowing it will stop.



Ok I hope somebody, anybody will give me their comments. :)...:x:
 

1poetsought

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Jan 14, 2003
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The Lone-Star State
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Poet
You have something to work with here. Thanks for sharing. Here are my thoughts.

The title suggest that the piece is about winter approaching, followed by a clear white morning blinding us... perhaps if we were told who "us" was (just a thought).

The words clear. bright, and pure, I find somewhat confusing.

You state " but the feeling went away"' when there had been no previous mention of emotion of any kind.

I like "true colors make a day", for real. Did you mean flecks instead of flocks?

The last stanza should always, in my opinion, close the deal by going out with a bang. I am no expert, but I wanted to respond to this beacuse I believe that it has the making of a really nice Moham joint. PEACE ~


:confused:
 

moham

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Jun 30, 2003
385
16
Hey 1Poet,

many thanks for sharing your thoughts!!!
I have to say that I wrote this for myself, meaning I didn't pay attention to the reader at all.
I just wrote down what came up in my mind.
Sometimes I have trouble with putting my emotions and feelings into words.

I'm getting sleepy, so I'll post my 'feelings' tomorrow. :yawn:

but thanks again for responding...this is my chance to learn..

gr
moham :)







 

deepy

Well-Known Member
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Jun 4, 2003
2,845
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nyc
moham...
like 1poetsought..definitely something to work with...
the first stanza quite clear...from title..stanza expressed the whiteness of the snow and how it blinds..(what makes it work is because it is multilayered..bythat i mean snow as in weather...and snow as in cocaine)..whether you consciously thought of that .. just know it is moving on several levels..
it is the 2nd stanza i am not clear about...questions
what feeling are you speaking of?..and are the colors those which existed before the snow came? that is not clear to me
once you clarify the 2nd stanza..somehow i believe your creative energies will resolve more clearly the 3rd...
but the first..., for me,..is nice...is the word seem or seemed?
 

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