- Feb 14, 2007
- 162
- 2
~Why~
In my sleep, today, I conversed with God... I guess She finally was fed up with me...
So, in the middle of battling asthma that knocked me unconscious, she just had to come and see... “My Child, what's wrong with thee?” She said kneeling beside me as I lay in the floor... “Well, Iya I'm tired, this pain hurts way too much, and I'm afraid I can't take anymore!”
She smiled, and I got angry... for I could not overstand why... She could be smiling at me, kneeling beside me eyes swollen, screaming as I cry ... “Iya, why are u smiling? Can't you see I'm in pain?!” She laughed, “Gurl please, don't u know in the end, it's all the same? You'll have a scale to measure your heart and that's when you'll finally see all you really gain...
It's not measured in lies, deceit, or unfairness, or tears... it's not weighed against your doubts, insecurities or fears... it's all within u, all that beauty I've created through and through... So, I do not apologize, Goddess for what u are that created... I am quite proud of every fiber of u actually, and I'm sorry this news to u is so belated...
She wrapped her arms around me, yet I was still quite mad... she still didn't really answer my question, and my heart was still very sad... Although, at least she showed up this time, so while she's here, I might as well get it all out... I need to tell her if she doesn't know what my pain is all about...
I pulled away and stood up... “LOOK AT ME!! HOW CAN U BE PROUD OF THIS?! I'm a crybaby,
I've made many mistakes, and I whine because I've never really been kissed! Never had the love of a man they say would transform and rejuvenate... All I had was those who leeched me dry, and my heart continued to deteriorate, so I ask u Iya, again,
WHY DID U MAKE ME THIS WAY? Why do I give a ****, why do I keep loving people day after day? When I never really get it back, I give and give, they take and take, until I'm depleted as a matter of fact? Why me? Why is my heart bigger than my mind? Why does it matter more to me, not to be cruel, but to be kind? Why did u not make me materialist, shallow and greedy?
Why instead am I loving, unattached to materialism, and come off sometimes as needy? Why Iya, why does it hurt so much to love, the thing they say doesn't cost u a thing? I can't bare witness to that, cause I think it's fair to say that it's cost me everything! Why would I give my last, and open my door to anyone in need? Why would I take my last $50.00 to give to a friend of mine with 4 kids to feed?
When deep down I know, she won't use it all for good... but I still wanna help, I can't deny it, my heart says I should... Why do I believe one day my time will come to shine... when I'm at the bottom of the well and it's dark, no glimmer of light to find? Why can't I just be selfish like others, they seem to have all the fun... instead I seem to be the person standing by with the smoking gun? The person that tells truth instead of lies, the person that hasn't won yet, however gets the award for the most consecutive tries?”
At this point she laughed harder... I tried to contain... oh, I'm steaming mad now, and feeling much shame... I should not have said a word, of how my pain runs deep, I have been reduced to nothing short of God's comic relief... She stood up in front of me, and the laughter came to an end... “Are u done yet? She said folding her arms “I will answer your question this once, but I will never answer it again... But before I do, I have a question of my own... and you will answer it briefly based on what your life has shown... deal?” She stuck her hand out and I was thinking, is she for real?
I don', drove God crazy, whining about all of the pain, and crap I think I got, now we standin' in front of each other, bargainin' and whatnot... “Okay, that's cool with me, I mean, u r the boss... I've given up almost everything anyway, so I can't see where I'll be at a loss...”
We shook hands and a surge of energy flowed through me... I saw my life from as far back as I could remember, even that cold day they told me I could die last December... I saw my sun's birth, and my Grandmother's transition, my graduation day, my first pay check, my first big promotion... I saw the day my ex asked me to be his wife... I saw the girl I stopped from taking 16 pills to end her life...
I tried to let her hand go, but she had a firm grip... almost similar to how when I made my mother mad, how tightly she would hold her bottom lip... I saw me lying in the grass in my mother's yard wishing on a star... I saw me sign the title to my very first car... That I paid for with my own money, nothing was free, I even tasted my first cup of hot tea with honey... I felt the love I have in my heart for my family, the love for my people, the love I will pass on in my own legacy... the passion I have to want to create my own dynasty, that if I give up now, it could not/would not ever be...
She released my hand, and tears began to flow, although these were much different then the ones I shed before... “My question is, do u want to be anything other than who I made u to be? In u lies the truth, and it's not cliché', it will set u free... ANSWER ME!” She said quite annoyed that I even had to ponder the thought...
I should have known better to question her at all, knowing all I've been taught...
“So, you wanna know why I made u this way, well, you may not like what I'm about to say... You are a Goddess with a spirit of Platinum and a heart of Gold, most people would kill to have your inner beauty, nothing better to behold, nothing better than your positive energy... How could you let this life detour u from me? All u r going though is temporary, and I, I Goddess am at the seat of your eternity? Don't u see, u are a blessing to everyone u meet... u may not know it or believe, but I hear it in their hearts nightly...
That's why u are this way, to display the love I have for u and the world in each and every way... you are my vessel for peace, love, guidance, unity, and wealth... but I can't make u see, this revelation u must find for yourself... So, you wanna know why you heart has been broken, I'll let u in on a secret, and this will blow your mind... it will be so much fun mending it, especially with the King u will find... If there was no pain, there would be no balance, it's like a beautiful window treatment without the valance, I mean, it's just not complete...
Give yourself time, be patient, you are winning, don't admit defeat... cause I will give u just what u r asking for... if u give up too soon, u will miss out on all u have in store... Now, u still really didn't answer my question, I'm waiting Goddess, time ain't forever, LET'S GO!”
She turned me towards the mirror to face the Goddess within me, I took a deep breath, I opened my eyes, dried my tears and said...
“NO”
In my sleep, today, I conversed with God... I guess She finally was fed up with me...
So, in the middle of battling asthma that knocked me unconscious, she just had to come and see... “My Child, what's wrong with thee?” She said kneeling beside me as I lay in the floor... “Well, Iya I'm tired, this pain hurts way too much, and I'm afraid I can't take anymore!”
She smiled, and I got angry... for I could not overstand why... She could be smiling at me, kneeling beside me eyes swollen, screaming as I cry
... “Iya, why are u smiling? Can't you see I'm in pain?!” She laughed, “Gurl please, don't u know in the end, it's all the same? You'll have a scale to measure your heart and that's when you'll finally see all you really gain...It's not measured in lies, deceit, or unfairness, or tears... it's not weighed against your doubts, insecurities or fears... it's all within u, all that beauty I've created through and through... So, I do not apologize, Goddess for what u are that created... I am quite proud of every fiber of u actually, and I'm sorry this news to u is so belated...
She wrapped her arms around me, yet I was still quite mad... she still didn't really answer my question, and my heart was still very sad... Although, at least she showed up this time, so while she's here, I might as well get it all out... I need to tell her if she doesn't know what my pain is all about...
I pulled away and stood up... “LOOK AT ME!! HOW CAN U BE PROUD OF THIS?! I'm a crybaby,
I've made many mistakes, and I whine because I've never really been kissed! Never had the love of a man they say would transform and rejuvenate... All I had was those who leeched me dry, and my heart continued to deteriorate, so I ask u Iya, again, WHY DID U MAKE ME THIS WAY? Why do I give a ****, why do I keep loving people day after day? When I never really get it back, I give and give, they take and take, until I'm depleted as a matter of fact? Why me? Why is my heart bigger than my mind? Why does it matter more to me, not to be cruel, but to be kind? Why did u not make me materialist, shallow and greedy?
Why instead am I loving, unattached to materialism, and come off sometimes as needy? Why Iya, why does it hurt so much to love, the thing they say doesn't cost u a thing? I can't bare witness to that, cause I think it's fair to say that it's cost me everything! Why would I give my last, and open my door to anyone in need? Why would I take my last $50.00 to give to a friend of mine with 4 kids to feed?
When deep down I know, she won't use it all for good... but I still wanna help, I can't deny it, my heart says I should... Why do I believe one day my time will come to shine... when I'm at the bottom of the well and it's dark, no glimmer of light to find? Why can't I just be selfish like others, they seem to have all the fun... instead I seem to be the person standing by with the smoking gun? The person that tells truth instead of lies, the person that hasn't won yet, however gets the award for the most consecutive tries?”
At this point she laughed harder... I tried to contain... oh, I'm steaming mad now, and feeling much shame... I should not have said a word, of how my pain runs deep, I have been reduced to nothing short of God's comic relief... She stood up in front of me, and the laughter came to an end... “Are u done yet? She said folding her arms “I will answer your question this once, but I will never answer it again... But before I do, I have a question of my own... and you will answer it briefly based on what your life has shown... deal?” She stuck her hand out and I was thinking, is she for real?
I don', drove God crazy, whining about all of the pain, and crap I think I got, now we standin' in front of each other, bargainin' and whatnot... “Okay, that's cool with me, I mean, u r the boss... I've given up almost everything anyway, so I can't see where I'll be at a loss...”
We shook hands and a surge of energy flowed through me... I saw my life from as far back as I could remember, even that cold day they told me I could die last December... I saw my sun's birth, and my Grandmother's transition, my graduation day, my first pay check, my first big promotion... I saw the day my ex asked me to be his wife... I saw the girl I stopped from taking 16 pills to end her life...
I tried to let her hand go, but she had a firm grip... almost similar to how when I made my mother mad, how tightly she would hold her bottom lip... I saw me lying in the grass in my mother's yard wishing on a star... I saw me sign the title to my very first car... That I paid for with my own money, nothing was free, I even tasted my first cup of hot tea with honey... I felt the love I have in my heart for my family, the love for my people, the love I will pass on in my own legacy... the passion I have to want to create my own dynasty, that if I give up now, it could not/would not ever be...
She released my hand, and tears began to flow, although these were much different then the ones I shed before... “My question is, do u want to be anything other than who I made u to be? In u lies the truth, and it's not cliché', it will set u free... ANSWER ME!” She said quite annoyed that I even had to ponder the thought...
I should have known better to question her at all, knowing all I've been taught...“So, you wanna know why I made u this way, well, you may not like what I'm about to say... You are a Goddess with a spirit of Platinum and a heart of Gold, most people would kill to have your inner beauty, nothing better to behold, nothing better than your positive energy... How could you let this life detour u from me? All u r going though is temporary, and I, I Goddess am at the seat of your eternity? Don't u see, u are a blessing to everyone u meet... u may not know it or believe, but I hear it in their hearts nightly...
That's why u are this way, to display the love I have for u and the world in each and every way... you are my vessel for peace, love, guidance, unity, and wealth... but I can't make u see, this revelation u must find for yourself... So, you wanna know why you heart has been broken, I'll let u in on a secret, and this will blow your mind... it will be so much fun mending it, especially with the King u will find... If there was no pain, there would be no balance, it's like a beautiful window treatment without the valance, I mean, it's just not complete...
Give yourself time, be patient, you are winning, don't admit defeat... cause I will give u just what u r asking for... if u give up too soon, u will miss out on all u have in store... Now, u still really didn't answer my question, I'm waiting Goddess, time ain't forever, LET'S GO!”
She turned me towards the mirror to face the Goddess within me, I took a deep breath, I opened my eyes, dried my tears and said...
“NO”
Copyright~ Seeyen Oyetunde 2007
