Poetry Critiques : Why You Turn My Head?

Discussion in 'Black Poetry - Get Your Flow On!' started by asimplepoet, Aug 14, 2008.

  1. asimplepoet

    asimplepoet Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Why You Turn My Head?
    You asked what about you turned my head
    And I was unable to offer a sufficient reply
    For the answer is just you being yourself
    But that seems a little vague of an answer
    So I will attempt to make it crystal clear
    You are my twin soul in so many ways
    Their similarity is sometimes unnerving
    For none has ever understood me so well
    But even in our alikeness there is contrast
    For your strengths balance my weaknesses
    A perfect fit like a completed jigsaw puzzle
    I love the way you see beyond the outer shell
    Never allowing me to pull my tough guy routine
    In your arms, I am able to rejoice in being a women
    Assured that you'll never see it as a sign of weakness
    I am able to lose myself in your delicious caresses
    As you seek to give me ultimate sexual gratification
    With the knowledge that this is more than physical
    The answer to your question is the totality of you
    For all these things add up to you just being you

    I usually have some kind of rhyme scheme but this was sort of a free flow reply. Would love some honest feedback on the style.
     
  2. YungMiss

    YungMiss Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    the thing about poetry is..

    its your own flow...
    ya know?
    it doesnt require a scheme or theme
    and in it you can write about anything
    it doesnt have to rhyme all the time
    as long as you express your state of mind
    so when you write a poetry just stay true
    and simply do you!
    but if you feel your poem i shall rate
    then id have to say..it was GREAT!!!
     
  3. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    The style is your creation of mental thoughts
    yet it splash and rings out like a statement of confession
    and would have more power if it was broken into stanza's
    still the poem has it's own depth.....

    This poem could have been a VILLANELLE style piece
    if it was one line less and a few twist of course in action

    over all ........Great write
     
  4. watzinaname

    watzinaname Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    When I see that you have penned a piece, I know that your word choice will give me a strong sense of what you're feeling, as is exhibited here. Sometimes a poet just wants to express a strong feeling as it is, and adding rhymes may limit that free flowing thought. I enjoyed this piece as is, but why not add a rhyme here and there and see if you, the poetess, feel that the piece expresses the same sentiments just as well.
     
  5. PLATINUMILLITY1

    PLATINUMILLITY1 Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Sis what is funny is that when i see your writings here.....I read and Look at them and I can not help to se the design you onstruct in writing it....
    Now here it looks as if you constructed a sexy strapless dress. Is it Just me???
    Before I saw a Tube Top shirt....What's Going on????????
    LOL
    Your poem was yet the comming af another beautiful one...I enjoyed it...well.
    Flow On:)
     
  6. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    I was thinking about this piece and had to find it and bring it back wow !!!
     
  7. Antwan

    Antwan Member MEMBER

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    Fine writing. I loved the last line.

    "For all these things add up to you just being you"

    I found it completed the prose so well. I am no expert but the style flows nicely and I get so tired of everything rhyming all the time. This is quite refreshing. Thank you.
     
  8. 1poetsought

    1poetsought Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    This poem is immortal, dear.
    Long live the love of a woman.
     
  9. CasaGriot

    CasaGriot Active Member MEMBER

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    Okay, so you asked for honest feedback. Let me begin first by pointing you to a definition of poetry as laid out by Wikipedia - anyone can go to their website and and just type in poetry. Here's a sampling of their definition: "a form of literary art which uses the aesthetic qualities of language to evoke meanings in addition to, or in place of, the prosaic ostensible meaning."

    "Poetry uses forms and conventions to suggest differential interpretation to words, or to evoke emotive responses. Devices such as assonance, alliteration, onomatopoeia and rhythm are sometimes used to achieve musical or incantatory effects. The use of ambiguity, symbolism, irony and other stylistic elements of poetic diction often leaves a poem open to multiple interpretations. Similarly, metaphor, simile and metonymy[1] create a resonance between otherwise disparate images—a layering of meanings, forming connections previously not perceived. Kindred forms of resonance may exist, between individual verses, in their patterns of rhyme or rhythm."

    Here is Wikipedia again - from their definition of prose: "Prose is the most typical form of language, applying ordinary grammatical structure and natural flow of speech rather than rhythmic structure (as in traditional poetry). While there are critical debates on the construction of prose, its simplicity and loosely defined structure has led to its adoption for the majority of spoken dialogue, factual discourse as well as topical and fictional writing. It is commonly used, for example, in literature, newspapers, magazines, encyclopedias, broadcasting, film, history, philosophy, law and many other forms of communication."

    Given these two definitions, wouldn't it be fair to say that what you've written here is prose and not poetry? You recorded your thoughts - and there is nothing wrong with that; but I could not in all honesty, and fairness to you, treat this as if it were poetry.
     
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