Black People : Why have I been avoiding relationships?

Discussion in 'Black People Open Forum' started by Lady~Mahogany, Aug 27, 2010.

  1. Lady~Mahogany

    Lady~Mahogany Member MEMBER

    Joined:
    Jul 10, 2010
    Messages:
    13
    Likes Received:
    1
    Gender:
    Female
    Occupation:
    Student
    Location:
    Down South
    Ratings:
    +1
    I'm 21 years old and by now I should've already had my first real boyfriend, right? Well, actually, in my case I've never been in a relationship. I thought it was because of my insecurities. But, as of late, I've realized that I just simply don't want to be bothered. Recently I've noticed that every time someone starts trying to get close to me I always start avoiding them. Or I'll get nervous when I see them coming, and I'd always feel like turning around and walking the other way. I don't know what it is. Do y'all think you can give me a few clues as to what can be making me feel this way? I'm stumped...
     
  2. StefiA

    StefiA Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Joined:
    Jul 24, 2010
    Messages:
    849
    Likes Received:
    215
    Ratings:
    +215
    OK - first I've got to say I'm no expert in psychology or anything and have plenty of, actually no, lots of hang-ups / insecurities myself...
    I'm just a 24yr old female who has had relationships..

    Do you feel that you're actually scared of getting intimate with a guy - of the physical side of things?
    Are you scared that once you are in a relationship that YOU are going to get swallowed up in the WE - that you'll lose some of your identity?
    It might still be feelings of insecurity that are behind this even if it now comes out as a can't be bothered feeling?
    Do you know why you feel insecure?
    Are you afraid of getting hurt emotionally? of being rejected?
    Do you actually feel as though there's no reason why any guy would really find you attractive? (one I suffer from)
    Sometimes relationships are a bit like swimming pools - the first time you get into one is a bit like the first time you jumped into a pool when you were a kid - you know you ought to just get in there, but the idea of jumping in is scarey so you hover around trying to pluck up courage - course when you jump in you find its all great and you wonder why you were scared - course that's not to say everything in a relationship will go well - there's often that little boy in the pool who wants to splash water in your face.
     
  3. Lady~Mahogany

    Lady~Mahogany Member MEMBER

    Joined:
    Jul 10, 2010
    Messages:
    13
    Likes Received:
    1
    Gender:
    Female
    Occupation:
    Student
    Location:
    Down South
    Ratings:
    +1
    Questions 1 and 6 explains it all. I'm very insecure when it comes to my body. I think it's the main reason why I avoid relationships. I don't feel that I'm attractive at all. So, whenever I DO get a compliment from a guy I can never take him seriously. And I think that's also why I'm afraid of the physical things that come along with relationships.
     
  4. Gorilla

    Gorilla Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Country:
    United States
    Joined:
    Jan 31, 2009
    Messages:
    2,479
    Likes Received:
    1,382
    Gender:
    Male
    Ratings:
    +1,399
    Simple fix, if you're being honest: Don't be bothered.

    You're 21 and it's a big world out there. Take inventory and try to work on what you feel is the problem. There's plenty of time for the headaches of a relationship later on.
     
  5. StefiA

    StefiA Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Joined:
    Jul 24, 2010
    Messages:
    849
    Likes Received:
    215
    Ratings:
    +215
    OK - the first thing is that if you're actually talking relationship, which you are, as opposed to one night fling, the physical part doesn't need to start right at the beginning - and when you do start to get physical you can build up slowly starting with just hugging and kissing and gradually moving your way on up through the different stages - plus if the guy you go out with is worth having at all he'll be prepared to take things slowly, especially if your honest about this being your first relationship - don't be frightened that you're going to have to do things you don't want to before you're ready - just be honest and say no I'm not ready for that. With the other question I think you've just got to go on trust which is hard as it goes against what you believe about yourself. To be honest I really don't like what I see in the mirror that much, but I've come to realise that's just a head problem I have - a bit like anorexic girls who look in the mirror and think they're fat when actually they're skinny - so if a guy is interested you've just got to trust that whatever you think he does find you attractive or he wouldn't be interested - its a hard thing at first, but once you've been together a little bit and he's still making the same compliments you begin to take them more seriously. Don't feel pressurized by time though - at 21 you don't have to rush into a relationship, but if you want to have one just try and pluck up that courage to get into that pool.
     
  6. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

    Country:
    United States
    Joined:
    Mar 21, 2001
    Messages:
    69,983
    Likes Received:
    3,978
    Gender:
    Male
    Occupation:
    BUSINESS owner
    Location:
    Da~WINDY*CITY //CHICAGO
    Ratings:
    +4,178
    Hi Lady~Mahogany !
    Nothing wrong with not going into a relationship fast, you may be avoiding
    them because insecurity factors and or personal reasons , then it could be
    that you are afraid to commit yourself .. At any case you have to know that
    you are special / A young woman / A goddess and love yourself for who you
    are and what you are ,once you accept you for you then your self-esteem
    will build it's foundation, taking it slow by being honest is the key and don't
    worry about the physical moves in a relationship, take it slow and let it grow.
    What you feel is kinda like lack-lust and empty emotions or whereas you
    really not taking it all that serious.

    Maybe you should start by making friends with a male and see the morals
    and fiber in it, this will help you become more secured and have better self
    esteem about you , it will also open windows to what being around a guy
    is like.

    Relationships do come with many things and sometime we just not ready
    to commit too, but don't sale yourself short because it can be delightful
    and wholesome if with the right mate.

    But first you have to become comptable knowing you are beautiful as you
    are for who you are before you can ever think of the next step...
    re-value your worth my dear young sista and surely you will see more hidden
    behind what you place yourself in.......Good luck breaking the Ice.
     
  7. anAfrican

    anAfrican Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Country:
    United States
    Joined:
    Feb 1, 2005
    Messages:
    3,484
    Likes Received:
    711
    Gender:
    Male
    Occupation:
    The Meek !Shall! Inherit the Earth.
    Location:
    StreetNationEarth: Seattle
    Ratings:
    +745
    maybe you're trying to tell yourself something. maybe you have standards that are higher than those which would have you thinking that you "should be in a relationship by now". maybe you've just not encountered anything worthy of you.

    let it come when it will. sometimes the very act of looking for something precludes the finding of it.

    when TheBoss decides that "The Time Is Right", He will make it so.
     
Loading...