Black Relationships : Why Date at all? Why not just arrange marriages between good families?

Discussion in 'Black Relationships' started by skuderjaymes, Dec 11, 2012.

  1. skuderjaymes

    skuderjaymes Contextualizer Synthesizer MEMBER

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    Why not just get married first? What difference does it make? A 35 year old man/woman may have engaged in 5 or 10 relationships in their lives so far.. all the while, looking for that special someone.. They'll fully share their bodies.. their property.. their emotions.. and even have/raise children with folks that have not committed to them.. all while still in pursuit of "the one" and the ever illusive and finicky "Love".. but by the time they find "the one", they are literally used up.. and could be said to be professional Daters and lovers.. relationship technicians.. if you will... And all that mileage builds up and begins to impede social progress. While looking for "the one",seekers have been known to become cynical and defensive and pessimistic.. (or worse, unreasonably optimistic), physically unhealthy, over-sexed, devious, etc.. and each of those development make the search for Neo.. the one.. that much more difficult.

    Why not just skip all of that and do like many families do in other countries.. Japan for example..??

    If the daughter is 25 or so and still has not married, the families get together and present the daughter with suitable men from familiar families, and if the daughter says yes.. they meet and get to know each other.. and if all is well, they get married.. and that's that. And those marriages are not just between the individuals, they are between families as well. It seems to me to be a very mature and sober system.. as opposed to all of this Hollywood inspired wandering around that goes on in western countries.


    Why not just find the suitable guy/gal.. do all your medical tests.. background investigation.. meet the families.. etc.. and then just get married?
     
  2. houserunner

    houserunner Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    The part of your post I bolded and underlined is the key. There is nothing stopping this except for the person you are attempting to aid's compliance. If they are not compliant to the cause it generally doesn't happen. I'm pretty sure this could work like with other things in life, but I doubt it would be a wide-sweeping trend as people do have a choice, whether that choice is to accept the proposed arrangement or going about their way through other means.

    I am interested in what others have to say on this topic though.
     
  3. NNQueen

    NNQueen going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    I know a couple of families who come from cultures outside of the U.S. that condone and expect marriages to be arranged and it seems to work. At least from what I've seen from my vantage point. But, in America, the land of the individual and independent thinking? The place where individuals come before community? The land where children can be raised with very little parental guidance and hardly any filters when it comes to what they see and learn? The land where people are conditioned to be insensitive and to lack compassion? The land where "love" is commercialized and people made to believe it can be purchased? America...where marriage has taken on a whole different meaning and one that doesn't promote a family unit whose purpose is to strengthen the family unit, be good providers, nurturers, positive role models and productively extend the family unit? What are American values when it comes to marriage? A place where more emphasis is placed on the actual wedding...the cost of a gown, the ring...where is the "tradition"...especially for Black people? What is it based on? Love? Wasn't there a time in some African traditions when the husband-to-be offered the father of the bride-to-be something of value...something that increased the wealth of the bride's family and sealed the marital bond between families? Marriages, even arranged ones "should" enhance the community, but in the case of modern America, I don't see that happening.

    I don't want to be a pessimist and say absolutely that this is impossible and would never happen. But I know for something like what Bro. skuderjaymes proposes to work in America, it has to be more than a process but a concept that is embedded in a common knowledge and belief that speaks to our desire to uplift our community. It starts with a way of thinking, then knowing, then doing.
     
  4. Omowale Jabali

    Omowale Jabali The Cosmic Journeyman PREMIUM MEMBER

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    This is exactly the 'way it used to be done' and whenever family members ask me why am I still single, or when they talk negative to me about my ex I have to remind them that 'you never hooked me up, so it is what it is'.

    One thing though. There is no guarantee arranged marriages will work out, and a lot of that has to do with an over emphasis on sex and sexual compatibility or 'just getting mine'.
     
  5. Each1teach1

    Each1teach1 Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    An arranged marriage is just that. You dont really get a say in it. Ive heard nothing but horror stories about arranged marriages but those are ones in which the girl had no choice. I personally have an Indian friend from Guyana who was in an arranged marriage. It was horrible to say the least and sadly she and her husband turned around and did the same thing to their daughter at 18. Although theyd known each other before the marriage it seemed all bets were off after the marriage. It ended in divorce the man beat her and put her out and he still manages to control her life. So I frown heavily upon arranged marriages for it seems when the families involved are too involved, think they own the woman and that their actually doing someone a favor. I dont know I guess their not all bad though depends on the culture, but I think people need to find their mates on their own without the help of family.
     
  6. Each1teach1

    Each1teach1 Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    An organized "match making" effort on the part of family is something else but traditionally with arranged marriage the parents have more say than the couple depending on the culture but thats almost universal, from what I know about it.
     
  7. Corvo

    Corvo navigator of live MEMBER

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    I believe it sounds good on paper. but there are too many factors to deal with in modern life. Cultures have integraded toward a mainstream to different degrees. I'm from a traditional culture, but grew up in a so called melting pot. so that I would never marry a woman from my old country.
     
  8. Destee

    Destee destee.com STAFF

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    It does sound nice, if actually do-able, given the challenges presented by Queenie and others.

    Nonetheless, i think it's worth a try, and as a "Family Unit" here at destee ... i propose a few unions ... QQ

    In fact, there is no reason for Brother O to be single right now, given *cough* *cough* the single women here ... :look:

    Likewise, i have some ideas for Skuder and MsInterpret as well ... and perhaps others ... if you're willing ... :swings:

    Just say the word and we can get this ball rolling quick fast and in a hurry ... :)

    Love Yall!

    :heart:

    Destee
     
  9. Corvo

    Corvo navigator of live MEMBER

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    Destee the match-maker?
     
  10. Destee

    Destee destee.com STAFF

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    I'm not just the president ... but also a client ... :wink:

    :heart:

    Destee
     
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