Black Short Stories : Whos Cute? Not you!

Discussion in 'Short Stories - Authors - Writing' started by dangerous, Sep 9, 2005.

  1. dangerous

    dangerous New Member MEMBER

    Sep 9, 2005
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    First i want to say thank you for clicking this story and trying to read it, some of yall might think its bad but tell me if it is, I'm not going to get mad and startin ballin up in here but show the love:

    -Jazzy bring yo lazy black, white what ever the hell you call yourself down here! yelled Tiffany.
    I rolled to the right off Adam's bed and opened me eyes. **** it was already 11:00 am and i had a hang over. The door swung open and Tiffany snatched the covers off his bed.
    -Adam tell this ho to get up outta here before mama comes home!
    Adam looked up at her and rubbed his hazel eyes. He turned to me.
    -Gotta go Jazzy, he said. Morning breath blew in my face. YUCK.
    I got up out of his bed and grabbed my clothes. Tiffany looked out the window and saw the green ford escort pull in the drive way.
    -Oh hell naw get out shes here! Tiffany ran down stairs and into the living room to clean up the mess from last night.
    -Im sorry Jaz I am but....he didnt finish.
    -I'll see you later then. i opend the indow as he held back the curtain.
    I dropped my bag on the ground and climbed out of his window.
    I opend the front door to my house and to my surprise my little cousin Nasha was there waiting for me.
    -Hey Nasha what you doin here sweetie? i asked picking her up.
    -My mama dropped me off so i just ame in and watched tv.
    I gave her some cookies and a glass of apple juice and took a long shower.
    Forget Justin and his stupid *** sister. I could find better, besides this wasnt the first time he got waht he wanted then kicked me out. So to hell with him. I dried off my long black hair, and put on my eyeliner. I was 16 years old with a 20 year olds body, hell i looked better than beyonce. lol. I had a big boned black mother and a skinny white daddy, he died when i was three. So i never met any of my white family. They hated black people any way. I had pick lips, light skin, long black straight hair and a butt like J.LO. Hate to brag! I put on some lip gloss and searched my drawer for a thong and a bra. Nasha came into my room and pointed at me.
    -Whats those Jazzy?
    she was pointing at my thong.
    -Umm my underwear sweetie. I said looking for my apple bottoms.
    -i dont have those but my mama's girlfriend does.
    (her mother was bi)
    I laughed at the thought. and put on a green, seguin, ghetto fab, belly shirt.
    -Ya ready to go? i asked
    -Go where Jazzy?
    When we walked into the park all the boyz eyes were on me. I loved it too.
    Nasha went over to the sand box and played with her friend Sallee. I sat on the bench and looked through a seventeen magazine when someone threw there arm around me.
    -Hey baby, said Adam.
    I rolled my eyes. He does not have it like that anymore.
    -Hey Adam, i scooted over for him to sit down. But he didnt
    -You wanna lets go somewhere? he asked
    -No i dont not with you any way. i continued reading my magazine.
    He grabbed it and waved it in the air.
    -Hey yall look what Jazzy's readin " 10 ways to be a better kisser" he laughed.
    I stood up and slapped the mess outta his head.
    -leave me the hell alone!
    He continued to laugh and threw the magazine at me.
    It fell on the ground.
    -Go to hell ! i said about to pick it up.
    He grabbed me and pressed his lips against mine. He need to read that page.
    -How bout that Jazz? He joked.
    Some one grabbed him from behind and shoved him up against the tree.
    Three more guys surronded him,the guy that shoved him was tiny, and his crew was Cedric, luther, and piper.
    -Thats not how you treat a lady motha'******!
    He pushed Adam again.
    -Ok man iight iight. Adam said weakly.
    Tiny and his grew were the badest boys in the neighborhood.
    -Apologize then! Piper yelled.
    Adam turned to me embrassed.
    -Jazzy I'm sorry imma call you later.
    -No dont bother im through with u. i said
    Tiny let go of him.
    -say bye duck! Tiny yelled.
    adam waved and walked away.
    I looked at Tiny and smiled.
    -Thank you.
    He bent down and dusted off my magazine.
    -Here you go princess. Tiny said handing it to me.
    i nodded and placed it on the bench.
    I was about to say something when Kayla Kemp, walked up to him and kissed him soulfuly.
    -baby im hungry lets go, she turned to me, oh hey Jazzy.
    I spoke.
    -iight let me say bye to my boys and then we out. Tiny said.
    Kayla got in his car as tiny said bye to his boys. He then turned to me.
    -If that nut bothers you again you know who to call? he asked.
    -I got it though, i sat on the bench disapointed.
    He flopped down next to me.
    -Yo shawty i gotta a girl i lover'er to death but you can still call me as a 'friend' . he got up and left.
  2. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

    United States
    Mar 21, 2001
    Likes Received:
    BUSINESS owner
    welcome to short stories
    welcome to the family of peace & respect
    welcome as i bless this some love
    nice story line and jazzy tyte .....writer ...welcome
  3. Alkebulan

    Alkebulan Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Mar 17, 2002
    Likes Received:
    boringham, alabama
    welcome 2 destee dangerous (i like that name)

    well, u asked for feedback (a rare occurance n the short story section), so, i'd like 2 provide some i hope will be helpful.

    your writing displays creativity, realism, & potential, but there are a few suggestions i would make 2 u.

    1. consider using quotation marks to help the reader identify when som1 is speaking:
    instead of:

    -Oh hell naw get out shes here! Tiffany ran down stairs and into the living room to clean up the mess from last night.
    -Im sorry Jaz I am but....he didnt finish.
    -I'll see you later then. i opend the indow as he held back the curtain.
    I dropped my bag on the ground and climbed out of his window.


    "Oh hell naw, get out. She's here!" Tiffany ran down stairs and into the living room to clean up the mess from last night.
    "I'm sorry Jaz, I am but...", he didn't finsih.
    "I'll see you later then." I opened the window as he helf back the curtain. I dropped my bag on the ground and climbed out of his window.

    no difference in content, but somewhat easier on the eyes for most readers. that makes it clear to other people (who didn't write the story) when some1 is speaking & when they aren't.

    2. proofread your writing, or, run it thru a spellcheck, preferably, both. this will giv ur work a more professional appearance - if that's what ur seeking. notice the penultimate sentence in the sample above:

    i opend the indow as he held back the curtain.

    that sentence has 2 typo's n rapid succession. (unless that wuz intentional)

    3. think about the 4 C's which r fundamental 2 good writing:
    conflict resolution

    improvement on any of those will lead to a better story. example, in the 1st paragraph jazzy is w Adam, in his bed actually. but in paragraph 2, she thinks, "Forget Justin and his stupid *** sister." who's justin?

    i will intentionally limit my suggestions to three, so as not 2 b overwhelming or seem overly critical. just 2b clear, no, i certainly did not hate ur story. on the contrary, i think this piece has real potential 2b developed into an interesting short story. as it stands now, however, for me at least, it mostly sets the stage for a story to follow.

    you should feel free to ignore any & all of my critique. i am not a professional writer, & i offer these suggestions only in the hope that incorporation of them might raise your writing to another level & broaden its appeal. i believe u r a good storyteller.

    i hope some of this helps, & again, welcome 2 destee. i look 4ward 2 reading more of ur work.
  4. deepy

    deepy Well-Known Member MEMBER

    United States
    Jun 4, 2003
    Likes Received:
    thanks for sharing dangerous...and for asking for support...that is love and i believe you can get that here...
    alkebulan stated so clearly and gracefully points about the work...
    you are a writing , learning, growing...
    hope to see/read more from you..