Black People : WHO OR WHAT IS A "NICE GUY"?

Discussion in 'Black People Open Forum' started by SAMURAI36, Mar 22, 2006.

  1. SAMURAI36

    SAMURAI36 Banned MEMBER

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    In a recent thread, a few brothers have mentioned the concept of the "nice guy", and how being one can kill a Brother's success rate with women.

    As this term seems subjective to me, I would like some examples of what people think this means to/for them.

    Also, to any ladies, how do you honestly feel about a "nice guy"? What, in your mind, is the alternative to being a "nice guy"?

    Just looking for some info. :?:

    PEACE
     
  2. uplift19

    uplift19 Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Nice guy has a negative connotation. Phrases like "nice guys finish last" come to mind.

    I think it's really used to describe the anti-chauvinist persona and therefore can be interpreted in an extreme way. (i.e. if the alpha male is masculine, then the "nice guy"/beta male is feminine). Making the two antitheses of each other makes "nice guys" feel like punks, because they have to prove their masculinity by mistreating or devaluing women.

    I have known women who outright say they want a "bad guy" because they want someone who they feel is strong. This implies the feeling of physical security, thinking the "bad guy" type is more apt to physically protecting the woman. Ironically, the way the "bad guy" views women will make him less likely to do so, even if he has such strength.

    At the end of the day, I think balance is most important. All men and women have both masculine and feminine characteristics. It is simply a matter of personality and compatibility in a relationship. The view of manhood and womanhood is constantly being challenged in this society and we all look to define ourselves by it and make up for areas we feel deficient in (i.e. women who can't cook feeling inadequate, men who can't fight feeling weak, etc.).
     
  3. SAMURAI36

    SAMURAI36 Banned MEMBER

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    Interesting perspective; one I'm very inclined to agree with.

    So then, my question is: since this concept stinks of Europeanism, how does, or even should, this play out for Black people?
     
  4. Isaiah

    Isaiah Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Brother, understand that, as you said, this is a SUBJECTIVE TERM, and therefore, not open to deep debates as to it's verity or lack thereof...

    A "nice guy" to me is generally a non-assertive, people-pleasing, overly-sensitive chap whom women perceive as a door mat... His lack of assertiveness is perceived, generally and across the board, as a lack of confidence in himself... He may not feel this way, nor may many of his male and female friends and aquaintances , but a woman seeking the proto-typical Alpha male, perceives him in him a man who is lacking in confidence and self-esteem...

    I think what nice guys miscalculate about women is that they want a guy to be nice and sensitive ALL the time... Simply put, this is not so... Women want a man to be a man, to evince all of her perceived notions of what a man and being manly is, and sometimes that's very macho... Are they going to admit this to your face, or depend on you to figure it all out??? The latter rather than the former is a good bet...

    My simple advice to a nice guy is don't be so quick to deliver the goods when asked all the time... Say no, and sometimes HELL NO! Stand on your feet like a man, and command her respect... I didn't say DEMAND, I said COMMAND her respect... Women appreciate that, as do men... It is like sometimes, I don't mind a women being the proverbial Queen B. when she feels she needs to be that... This aint the Garden of Eden we're living in, this is the real world... If I, as a man, don't deliver like a man should, then sister wants to scream on me, then I perceive that she is not a woman who's gone put up with just whatever I put out, for better or worse... You want to be with someone who is not a doormat... If you do, then you got power and control issues, and that's another topic(smile!)

    Women want a man to be a man, not a nice guy... To Women, in their infinite wisdom, Nice Guys don't make great husbands, but they do make a helluva doormat... Therefore, when they can use a nice guy's energy instead of their husbands or boyfriends, better to conserve the energy of those two for more intimate purposes...(smile!) JMHO


    Peace!
    Isaiah
     
  5. uplift19

    uplift19 Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I think it starts with just what you said, recognizing that this is a Eurocentric view and one we do not have to adopt. Just that knowledge alone is freeing.

    I think it is difficult, because balance is hard to achieve in our society. I do believe that women can become too masculine, though, which can stifle a man's "manhood" (if that makes any sense). I say to each his/her own, and find a person that is right for you. The two of you will have to work out whatever misperceptions or agreements you will come to regarding the roles you will play in the relationship. It takes two strong people that will live their lives in a healthy way that makes them happy, regardless of what the dominant society thinks about it.
     
  6. NNQueen

    NNQueen going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    Too subjective a term for there to be a universal definition, in my opinion.

    I know what "nice" looks and feels like, though. For example, I think Brother Isaiah is a nice person because I like the way he communicates his thoughts--he's extremely thoughtful even when he's disagreeing with someone. I think Brother SunShip is very nice because I think he conveys his thoughts respectfully and powerfully and that says a lot to me about him as a person--someone I can and do respect.

    Nice can't operate alone, it has to be evidenced by actions or deeds. I also think that "nice" can be mimiced by some who want to create this type of illusion but because it's fake, it can't be sustained for long. Which is why I believe that people who are searching for someone "nice" need to be patient and actively alert.

    Queenie :spinstar:
     
  7. PurpleMoons

    PurpleMoons Administrator STAFF

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    To me a nice guy is someone who is conscientious of the needs of others.
    ex. If he is having lunch and you walk by, he offers you some of his. If a women is having trouble with her groceries and he is walking past, he offers to help.

    A nice guy can also be an alphamale. He just knows when and how to assert himself.
     
  8. SAMURAI36

    SAMURAI36 Banned MEMBER

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    Is this sort of man appealing to you? Have you ever had a man such as this? If so, how did you treat him as a result?

    If not, how would you treat such a man?
     
  9. kente417mojo

    kente417mojo Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    In some ways I think the term "nice guy" is a slap in the face. To me, it means "pushover" or "sucka". Yesterday I was at the gas station and this woman asked me if I knew how to put air in tires. I looked at her in amazement and said "you don't know how to put air in tires"? She's said no so I showed her how. Anyways, I could tell she wanted me to do it for her, but instead I told her how to do it and handed her the nozzle. Then I kept it movin' because I was on my lunch break. Either way, most times it's not good for men to always try and be the "nice guy" because women don't seem to really appreciate it or respect it. I think women like the guy that doensn't trip over his own feet when talking to a woman. I think a man should be considerate, but firm. There is nothing wrong with being nice sometimes, but to be a "nice guy" means that you probably give in to others rather than having a backbone. I'm nice, but people in my life know I won't take crap from anyone.
     
  10. PurpleMoons

    PurpleMoons Administrator STAFF

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    I find him very appealing and interesting. I have met plenty men who fit this discription as well. I'm a strong advocate for treating people the way I would want to be treated. It definately makes it comforting and welcoming to return the jesture.
     
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