Black Women : White Mother, Black Daughter - Identity Crisis!

First WOW you are so much better at explaining yourself than I am and I'm 7 years older than you.
I know a bit of how you feel - honestly. My situation is a little similar, but the other way round -sort of. My parents are mixed - my father is mixed but quite dark, my mother is olive skinned Italian, my two sisters are both quite dark and I look 99% white - blue eyes and blonde - I always say I'm like a white girl who's just come back off vacation with a bit of a tan. Where I grew up everyone was white and me and my sisters went to an all white school. Of course I never suffered your embarassment at school as I pretty much looked like everyone else, but I always felt I had to stand up for my sisters whenever comments came there way and also deal with people asking me if I was adopted. At home I wasn't embarrased either, but what I did feel was wrong - like a freak - I never really talked to my parents about it, but I always felt like there'd been a mistake and I'd been given the wrong body and I longed to look like my sisters - back then I didn't know that it was possible to have parents like mine and yet come out this white and I thought I must be the only person that this had ever happened to. I used to always make sure I stayed out as long as I could every day of summer to make sure I got as dark a tan as possible. But of course that never really helped. Then my next 'phase' was when I went off to college - by then I was just way fed up with being 'odd' so I told everyone I was Italian, which was easy for them to believe especially as my name Stefi (really Stefani) is Italian. Of course that didn't really work either as I became really unhappy at having to hide things from people I became friends with. After that I kind of switched again and would sit in my room playing rap and hip-hop tracks all the time - still do, though not at home any longer. Like you I've been left fairly shy by the whole thing - the reason why I started coming on here was so I could talk without feeling so embarassed - especially as my knowledge of black history is pretty basic. More recently I moved into the city where more black people live and I'm now at the stage of trying to find a way to express the black side of me while still looking like I do. I'm glad you've got to the stage where you know who you are - I still go through phases of thinking I know exactly, followed by times when I'm honestly not sure. At the moment I'm definitely back in one of my 'wish I was darker' phases. Anyway I thought it might be good for you to know that there are other people out here who've also had to deal with these kinds of things. But it looks like people here are going to look after you.


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