Hi! I'm new to these forums and glad to have joined. I have something that I want to post right off the bat. I decided to post it here since I'm a female and though I'm a teenager I'd rather have adult opinions, however please tell me if I should move this to another section. Oh and sorry for the length :/
So here's my situation. I'm a 16 year old black Canadian female. I was raised as an only child by my mother, who is white. My father was black but I've never met him or his side of the family.
All my life I was raised in white communities and I've barely ever even seen another black person in my life. I've certainly never personally met/conversed with one. So from a young age I was always extremely self conscious. I thought I was the only one like me in the world! Especially when I was younger I had people asking me questions - about my hair, about "if my face is brown, does that mean my whole body is brown?" - innocent questions because they were also coming from younger children, but it all served to make me feel different and alien. Even going to family reunions, where everyone looked French and Italian and I looked black, made me feel out of place and embarrassed.
Then when I started getting racist comments it lowered my self esteem even more. Even my own (step) sister has called me the "N" word and my step brother has said racist things to me aswell. Whenever someone said something to me of that nature, it felt like the whole world, or at least my (white) world, was against me, and there was nothing I could say back that would effect them in the same way. It was a verbal weapon that caused a psychological wound. What it made me think in my mind, was that secretly everyone hated me but some people just didn't say it to be nice.
As a result I became EXTREMELY shy and nervous. I couldn't speak. I was struck with anxiety in public places. At recess I would stand in one spot pressed against the wall because I was scared that if I entered anyone's "zone" they would be mad or disgusted. I've always been sensitive and caring and I didn't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable. I kind of felt like I was this blemish on the Earth.
I really started hating that part of me that was different. I wanted to amputate my "black" side. I tried everything I could to separate myself from it, and I overcompensated to make sure that everyone knew I was part of "their" community. I wouldn't even listen to music by black people. On the Internet I'd lie and say that I was a white redhead. I became angry when people mentioned or talked about me being black. When asked my ethnicity I always said "French" and "Italian" first.
I remember one time, I was in the mall and I happened to see a black couple (which was rare for me). When we happened to cross paths I deliberately moved away from them because I didn't want people to think that we were in a group together. Because then I thought people would think I was not part of their community and that they would exclude or avoid me. I know it sounds horrible but you have to understand where I was coming from, and you have to understand that sometimes stupid thoughts that you create in your head as a very young child stick with you later in life.
So it's really only been in the last couple of months that I've started to accept myself. I started learning about powerful and beautiful black women and about our culture and it made me very, very proud. I now want to be identified as "black", not "white" and I prefer it over "mixed" aswell. I realized that black women are seriously the most beautiful, sexiest women on the planet, no offense to anyone else
!
I've started talking to my mother about it and she's so happy that I've accepted myself - when I first mentioned it she started crying! She told me all about black culture, history and great black people and even exposed me to black movies and music. I guess even though she's white she's had a strong interest in black culture and the majority of her partners have been black aswell.
I borrowed a Black History textbook from the school and mom said we should take the course together. I think all of this will help me love myself for the first time. I feel like I've been in a 16 year long drought and now I thirst to learn about that side of me that I've always suppressed. I did even catch myself feeling a bit of anger towards white people at first but I quickly caught myself. One remaining issue is that I still don't have anyone to talk to that is actually black and I really am dying to meet others like me. When I'm 18 I'll be moving to Toronto where hopefully I'll be able to meet a group of other black women (and men) - I think I'll cry when that happens! It's also one of the reasons I joined these discussion boards.
So. I'm actually not sure what the point of this post was, I just really needed to get this out. Thanks for listening and reading and if you have any thoughts/opinions/similar stories please share them!
Peace, Love, and U.N.I.T.Y,
Lina
So here's my situation. I'm a 16 year old black Canadian female. I was raised as an only child by my mother, who is white. My father was black but I've never met him or his side of the family.
All my life I was raised in white communities and I've barely ever even seen another black person in my life. I've certainly never personally met/conversed with one. So from a young age I was always extremely self conscious. I thought I was the only one like me in the world! Especially when I was younger I had people asking me questions - about my hair, about "if my face is brown, does that mean my whole body is brown?" - innocent questions because they were also coming from younger children, but it all served to make me feel different and alien. Even going to family reunions, where everyone looked French and Italian and I looked black, made me feel out of place and embarrassed.
Then when I started getting racist comments it lowered my self esteem even more. Even my own (step) sister has called me the "N" word and my step brother has said racist things to me aswell. Whenever someone said something to me of that nature, it felt like the whole world, or at least my (white) world, was against me, and there was nothing I could say back that would effect them in the same way. It was a verbal weapon that caused a psychological wound. What it made me think in my mind, was that secretly everyone hated me but some people just didn't say it to be nice.
As a result I became EXTREMELY shy and nervous. I couldn't speak. I was struck with anxiety in public places. At recess I would stand in one spot pressed against the wall because I was scared that if I entered anyone's "zone" they would be mad or disgusted. I've always been sensitive and caring and I didn't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable. I kind of felt like I was this blemish on the Earth.
I really started hating that part of me that was different. I wanted to amputate my "black" side. I tried everything I could to separate myself from it, and I overcompensated to make sure that everyone knew I was part of "their" community. I wouldn't even listen to music by black people. On the Internet I'd lie and say that I was a white redhead. I became angry when people mentioned or talked about me being black. When asked my ethnicity I always said "French" and "Italian" first.
I remember one time, I was in the mall and I happened to see a black couple (which was rare for me). When we happened to cross paths I deliberately moved away from them because I didn't want people to think that we were in a group together. Because then I thought people would think I was not part of their community and that they would exclude or avoid me. I know it sounds horrible but you have to understand where I was coming from, and you have to understand that sometimes stupid thoughts that you create in your head as a very young child stick with you later in life.
So it's really only been in the last couple of months that I've started to accept myself. I started learning about powerful and beautiful black women and about our culture and it made me very, very proud. I now want to be identified as "black", not "white" and I prefer it over "mixed" aswell. I realized that black women are seriously the most beautiful, sexiest women on the planet, no offense to anyone else
! I've started talking to my mother about it and she's so happy that I've accepted myself - when I first mentioned it she started crying! She told me all about black culture, history and great black people and even exposed me to black movies and music. I guess even though she's white she's had a strong interest in black culture and the majority of her partners have been black aswell.
I borrowed a Black History textbook from the school and mom said we should take the course together. I think all of this will help me love myself for the first time. I feel like I've been in a 16 year long drought and now I thirst to learn about that side of me that I've always suppressed. I did even catch myself feeling a bit of anger towards white people at first but I quickly caught myself. One remaining issue is that I still don't have anyone to talk to that is actually black and I really am dying to meet others like me. When I'm 18 I'll be moving to Toronto where hopefully I'll be able to meet a group of other black women (and men) - I think I'll cry when that happens! It's also one of the reasons I joined these discussion boards.
So. I'm actually not sure what the point of this post was, I just really needed to get this out. Thanks for listening and reading and if you have any thoughts/opinions/similar stories please share them!
Peace, Love, and U.N.I.T.Y,
Lina
