Black Relationships : When relationships end

Discussion in 'Black Relationships' started by PurpleMoons, Sep 26, 2005.

  1. PurpleMoons

    PurpleMoons Administrator STAFF

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    Family, lets talk about the emotional strains from broken relationships.

    When relationships end, many people are left feeling angry, confused, lost, and worthless. Some believe the break-up is all their faults. If only I did this differently. I should have been more this or that.

    Let's help each other grow past these feelings of resentment and on to a fresh new outlook. Most hurt feelings carry on into new relationships, causing an on going cycle of hate, blame, and self-inflicted inner pain.

    What should one do when struggling with such issues? Is it okay to feel this way? If no, why not, if yes why so? How should we analyze these emotions/feelings, so we can move forward towards a positive outlook?

    Whats your secret for a healthy, productive relationship after the heart has been bruised? Lets create some chicken soup for the soul.
     
  2. Nisa

    Nisa Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    OOh yes I can't wait to see these responses *grabs bowl for chicken soup*
     
  3. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    I'll be back to share my thoughts and how i handle the split up , this will be good.
     
  4. kente417mojo

    kente417mojo Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I think the most important thing is to be honest about the situation. Look at what the other person did wrong and what you did wrong to contribute to the seperation. It does no one any good to try and pin all the blame on the other person, because usually there is fault on both sides. Once you do that, you can begin to heal yourself. Be single for a little while and take time to find yourself. Make sure you address those issues that made the relationship fail. After that, you should be good to go once you find someone new. I make sure not to rush into a relationship, because I've made that mistake in the past. Now, I take more than enough time, and when I'm good and ready, I take another stab at it.
     
  5. river

    river Watch Her Flow MEMBER

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    Stab at it. That's a picturesque way to look at it :D ButYou're right about being honest and taking your time.

    As for how someone should feel that depends on why the relationship ended. Some relationships end because one of the partners was abusive or generally jacked up in the head. Some end because they just weren't meant to be.

    For a while after I left my husband I had to keep the negative aspects of our relationship at the forefront of my mind. There were moments when I started thinking wistfully about the warmth of his touch, the laughter and repoire we sometimes shared but I could not afford to allow such positive thinking to lure me back into an abusive relationship. As I have said long ago the beauty of loving a Black man is that even those who hurt you teach you something. So I searched my mind for the lesson. Now when I think about him there is no bitterness.

    Forfivenness is vital. Forgive just means you release the person from debt. It does not mean you forget the person is broke.

    There are relationships that break up because they just weren't meant to be. The people's goals just take them in different directions. In that case it is better to just let it be what it was meant to be and keep your friendship.

    All this is easier said than done but we can't find peace or growth if we look for solutions that don't require discipline.
     
  6. Keita Kenyatta

    Keita Kenyatta going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    People come into your life and heart for many REASONS...
    Some for a month, a year, and some for SEASONS...
    and like flowers pushing thru dirt and rain,
    there can be no growth without this thing called pain.
    Our failure to recognize this truth I've imparted,
    is the reason so many often feel Broken Hearted.
     
  7. river

    river Watch Her Flow MEMBER

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    I was on the last line before I realized you were rhyming

    How true your words are.
     
  8. jamesfrmphilly

    jamesfrmphilly going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    i just got a call from an old flame asking to borrow some money till payday.
    what's this stuff about relationships ending?

    my women never leave me alone.
     
  9. kente417mojo

    kente417mojo Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    They'll never leave you alone if you keep dishing out cash james. Tell her to get a job and if she has one, tell her to get two.
     
  10. Monetary

    Monetary going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    The first thing you do is go to the liqa sto and get you a fif...a fif of anything will do. :lol: :D

    Naw, j/k.

    Here are ways I believe to cope with a relationship which has ended.

    1. Seriously, go home and do something to get your mind off of it. Watch tv, listen to your favorite songs, read a good book...do anything legal and not bodily harming to get your mind off of that person. Relationships take up a lot of mental space and energy. So, you have to replace it with something. If you have children, focus on them. If you have a career, focus on it.

    2. Once the desire to call or to go see that person, then you reflect on what happened. Did they say why it had to end? Or did you end it because of something? If so, what? Reflect on that for a minute. Be brutally honest with yourself and about yourself. Analyze what YOU did that was wrong in it and what YOUR S/O did that was wrong. Be honest. Was arguing over where to eat that night really that important? Did you have to yell at her/him because your boss talked down to you earlier that day? Is the passion gone...with the both of you having tried so hard to rekindle the fire to no avail? Just be honest.

    3. What did you learn about yourself in this relationship? Did you wait too long to end it? Did you accept too much abuse (physical or verbal) from that person? Did you abuse that person in some way? If so, why? Did you see the negatives in this person the entire time but you made up excuses for their behavior because they made you feel a "special" way? What did you learn about yourself? Was it just time to move on? Was it no longer fun to be with that person...to be around that person?

    After answering all of those questions...or most of them, you should be ready to move on from that relationship. Be forewarned, you will see the red flags very quickly in the next person. Your instincts will react very quickly to warn you that this person is behaving like the last person. Be cool. Take your time and give this person the benefit of the doubt because they deserve it. Ask them questions about their behavior for clarification purposes if you are in doubt. You don't want to falsely accuse someone of something they didn't do. If you do this, then you know you're not ready to be in another relationship.

    Peace.
     
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