Black Short Stories : When a Brother's Broke his Game's a Joke.

Discussion in 'Short Stories - Authors - Writing' started by Asomfwaa, Nov 15, 2012.

  1. Asomfwaa

    Asomfwaa Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    So I'm a boss *** Brother.

    My dude and I were chilling in a public bar, standing tall, looking handsome. He's a model straight out of the catalogue. I'm the ******* man. Better believe. So this nice young woman spots me from across the way.

    She likes what she sees. I know it. But it ain't time to make a move. Music's playing and--well--her friends are numerous.

    My dude says, "Let's head to the back." This girl isn't going anywhere, so sure enough we walk away.

    My mind's on her though. So I put on my walk and strut by her, giving her a smile as I pass. You can hear her drawers getting heavy.

    When I walk back, sly as a mess, I don't even regard her. I can feel her all--outraged--and ready to ask me "What was that?!?"

    I'm in the back with my friend. Then she walks near. She's clearly looking for me. She's pushing through the crowd looking left and right. She sees me--chillin'. I pretend like I don't see her. So she fakes going to the bar. And she orders a drink. And it's my time to move in.

    I'm right beside her. But then old Bartender gives her, her drink. I gotta pause. She is now rifling through her purse for the bill. Now she's looking through her wallet. Now she's checking her pockets. And wait a moment--Brother can't walk up to no Sister while she's paying a bill. 'Cause I don't care how fine this Sister is, I'm not buying her no drink. So she pays and she returns to her friends.

    Well--ok. She's probably an alcoholic anyway . . .. Dang. Who am I kidding? When a Brother's Broke his Game's a Joke.
     
  2. Vincent Stacy Henry

    Vincent Stacy Henry Member MEMBER

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    It's probably a personal preference but I like more dialogue in character driven stories. In any case , definitely a story I can relate to as far as the bar scene.
     
  3. Angela22

    Angela22 Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Haha, I like it.
     
  4. Asomfwaa

    Asomfwaa Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Thanks. :)
     
  5. Asomfwaa

    Asomfwaa Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Yeah I can see that. Yet certain styles give certain permissions. Ending with a 'moral' is more difficult in a natural dialogue. With the narrator doing all the talking it's easier to let him finish.

    Though thank you for the comment!
     
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