Black Relationships : What's Going On?

Discussion in 'Black Relationships' started by Israfil, May 13, 2007.

  1. Israfil

    Israfil Member MEMBER

    Joined:
    Apr 23, 2007
    Messages:
    6
    Likes Received:
    0
    Ratings:
    +0
    As you all well know I recently broke up with my girlfriend and although I got some replies I was surprised that not many more commented. Anyway my question extends beyond the previous thread that I had created because I wanted to know how in the datring world I should approach black women. Again, as a "good guy" it is quite difficult to meet an exceptional black woman (by exceptional I mean someone who is great for me) without being called weak for being good. Very recently I did my own personal study of sisters and I was quite astonished. I noticed that women (much like men) don't recognize me outside the sphere of attraction, that is, anything which may enhance my "attractiveness" per se.

    I noticed that when I wear tank tops (I weight lift religiously) women notice me. But when I wear regular gear women don't. Obviously it is because one catches the eye of the other and the other one doesn't. but more importantly it seems when I open my mouth and articulate myself in an educated way to my sisters it is two things: I'm either trying to be white (funny that my people think all things educated and great are white) or I'm weak. What is unfortunate is because while my search for that "queen" is becoming hopeless I'm getting more other ethnic groups appraching me, more so Asian and White. Now, I wasn't raised to discriminate despite my mother formerly being in th NOI (Nation of Islam).

    I'm not trying to mess the groove up here but I honestly don't feel appreciated by black women despite my constant respect for black woman. I'm honestly sick of being chastised and being called weak or some other ignorant name all because I was raised old fashioned and respectful. I don't know if its a California thing or whatever but I'm starting to feel that sisters don't appreciate good men. What I do think is some women in my age group 21-28 don't have a good understanding of what a good man is. Even older women they for some reason reject me because they say "I'm too young" so either way I'm screwed. I'm not saying that I'm giving up on sisters but its quite hard to not see what's going on on the other side of the fence if you know what I mean.
     
  2. Jackeys

    Jackeys Member MEMBER

    Joined:
    Dec 7, 2006
    Messages:
    12
    Likes Received:
    0
    Ratings:
    +0
    Honestly, maybe you need to work on your confidence level. Just reading your post it appears that maybe you lack a little of it. Don't let what one or two or even three females think about you spoil your point of view of other females.

    I'm sure most people will tell you to be yourself and someone, the right one will appreciate you for that, and that is true. But if you want to get ahead in the game go out on a couple of casual dates and try to meet yourself somewhere in the middle. Be respectful, but don't be so respectful that you allow yourself to be a doormat. Try to hold something back. There's nothing wrong with opening doors and pulling out chairs but don't break your neck to do it. It's unfortunate but true that most sistas appreciate a man that's a little rough around the edges. Don't be so eager to call. Take things slow really get to know who you're dealing with before you fall head over heals. Be honest about what you want but don't make it obvious that you have to have it right this minute.

    Date casually for a while and date a variety of different kinds of sistas to see which ones work best for you. Have fun and then in the end it should all fall into place. Good luck
     
  3. I-khan

    I-khan Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Joined:
    Dec 27, 2005
    Messages:
    1,344
    Likes Received:
    46
    Ratings:
    +47
    I agree....

    and as a young brutha no older (actually much younger) than you israfil I can say this:

    Do not chase them, tell them that you are interested (give her your number, do NOT take hers if you can since she will call you if she is truly interested ) and then LET IT GO...do NOT sweat them and dwell on them.
    Do not focus on women intensely..the sistas will ALWAYS be there(but dont take them for granted) even though it may seem to be otherwise...focus on 'other things' that you like to do instead......since you are 'educated' do not focus on you schooling as the primary topic....know and show that you made your education (by mainstream societies standards to serve the colonial powers) and it does NOT make you and that you still have alot to learn about yourself.....sit back and just chill..just be you and if you get rejected continue to carry yourself like you are the man with or without her....you should know that you are the man since you made your education and still have more to learn about yourself right?


    and as it was mentioned above...take things slow...not all women want a man that will fawn over her every step...many sistas just want someone they can work,live, and learn with....
     
  4. OmowaleX

    OmowaleX Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Joined:
    Jun 23, 2002
    Messages:
    2,414
    Likes Received:
    39
    Gender:
    Male
    Occupation:
    Educator
    Location:
    Aztlan
    Ratings:
    +42
    I feel you brotha. But just to let you know, its not really an "age" thing. Perhaps it IS a "California thing".

    For one, do you really expect "some women" in YOUR "age group" to have a "good understanding of what a good man is?

    Some say "it aint where you're from, its where you're at". So, where is your HEAD at? And WHY would you ask these questions on "Mother's Day"?

    Just a few questions to get a better idea where you coming from and where you at.

    Do you read Black Enterprise mag? Check the issue focusing on top ten cities for Black folks. Maybe if you lived in one of these cities other than in Cali you may actually find it tougher to meet the standards that these sister set in places such as Atlanta, DC, Charlotte, Dallas, Houston, Nashville, etc.

    Plenty of sistas go to UC's or other univs. in the west then go South for graduate/law/med programs and/or to work leaving Cali with a dearth of the type of sista you may be most compatabile with.

    And if you a STRAIGHT brotha, ATL is prime because so many DL brothas are leaving a whole lotta sistas single and available.

    Trust me. I just came back from ATL. It is very refreshing and according to most articles I have read on the topic, even in mags such as Money and Forbes, the BEST opportunities for young black, single PROFESSIONALS is East of Dallas and Houston, and South of Nashville/Raleigh/Durham.

    Im pushing 50 and had similar experience with white, asain AND latin women in Cali. Just based on sheer numbers. Blacks in Cali make up less that 10% of the overall population. So, some non-Black women are "curious". But that dont mean you gonna build meaningful long-term relationship with them. And a lot of Black women in the South are still rather traditional and "old-fashioned" in the sense that, for the most part, they not gonna "approach" you, but will expect them to "court" them. A lot of sistas in cali (believe it or not) are the same way cuz they got southern ROOTS.

    Your search aint "hopeless". You just probably in the wrong situation. I moved to texas from cali (los angeles) two years ago, and while Im still single, its by choice, and that has to do with my financial situation, trying to save capital to get my persoanl biz off the ground. Last two years I have done quite a bit of travel from georgia to cali and back (heading to orlando some point this summer) and I aint gonna diss the sistas in the South. I have good time whenever i hit spots like new orleans, atl, shreveport....spots that have historically black colleges and universities that also have division one sports programs. Its a flava that cali lost in the late 70s.
     
  5. hiphopolx

    hiphopolx Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Joined:
    Sep 12, 2006
    Messages:
    1,464
    Likes Received:
    209
    Location:
    Long Island NY
    Ratings:
    +209
    I feel for you bro. and trust a older brother on this do not settle for anything less than a beautiful intelligent Goddess. This will take longer but it will be well worth it. Also as you probably figured out most of these Goddesses have a weakness for bad and trifling brothas :( and they are mostly in denial of this. I hear alot of them talk of this now that they are older. (some wild oats nonsense :laugh: ) Now you may get to a point where you might want to find one, make sure she is single knock her out cold bring her home and explain that you couldn't let a woman like her get away and how you really are a good guy besides knocking out cold but this would be counter productive and I had a 'friend' who did that and he had to leave town......

    Seriously you got to think outside the box. A invititation to a nice dinner works in most cases and trying to be just a good friend first sounds nice (probably what alot of good brothas want) but will get you in that 'just a friend' box with her and then you have to listen to her cry to you about her episode with that trifiling no good brotha.(this still burns me up :censored: )

    Good Luck on your mission
     
  6. luvmyppl

    luvmyppl Member MEMBER

    Joined:
    Nov 25, 2006
    Messages:
    21
    Likes Received:
    3
    Gender:
    Female
    Occupation:
    Support Service Analyst
    Location:
    Fairfield, CA
    Ratings:
    +3
    Israfil

    I guess I'll put in my two cents. I am from California, the Bay Area to be exact, and I am so sorry to hear that you are having this problem. I don't want to turn this thread into my problem but I am 23 years old and I know I am young but I know what I want. I was in a relationship with a man that I have known all my life. I made a conscience decision to be the best woman I could be to him. I put forth a lot of effort to set myself apart from being a "girl". I chose to be a real woman in this relationship as opposed to some of my past relationships. In return, I still get the bottom of the barrell. He went back to his baby's mother.

    So, my friends, I am somewhat in the same boat unfortunately. It just seems like I invested all of my time and love into a man who just stomps on it because he had a change of heart. Please don't be discouraged Israfil because I haven't even began to be discouraged. I will continue to be myself in a world of vultures. Keep your head up because I have experienced the same thing you have. Especially, being called a "square", they say I speak too "White". So please, please do not be discouraged because I am still looking for a good Black man that can appreciate a well rounded Black woman. Good luck but don't forget to wish me luck as well....
     
  7. spicybrown

    spicybrown Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Country:
    United States
    Joined:
    Oct 21, 2005
    Messages:
    4,201
    Likes Received:
    118
    Ratings:
    +118
    :kickball:Peace and welcome Israfil.

    Thank you for sharing your experience, as many young people are experiencing the dating blues. Your concerns are valid, and I know of several young Californians, who raise the same concerns. Here's my spin on the "trend":

    More and more women, regardless of race are starting to redefine what they deem is attractive in a man. Usually women don't put a premium on looks like men do; but due to having more options (men) available, and/or having experienced empty, uneventful relationships, women begin to regard other dimensions of a man; which often include physical attraction, and whether or not they're domestically inclined. Take into consideration that traditional gender roles have blurred, and it isn't uncommon for a man to demand a woman have a well-paying career, no children and independent. Change can be good... if you can adapt and are resilient. I wish you well in your romantic endeavors. Try placing emphasis on mind over matter when pursuing a woman, if you are seeking a solid, meaningful relationship. JMHO:spinstar:
     
  8. hiphopolx

    hiphopolx Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Joined:
    Sep 12, 2006
    Messages:
    1,464
    Likes Received:
    209
    Location:
    Long Island NY
    Ratings:
    +209
    ???

    Can a single good brotha from lets say from California for example, exchange email privately with a good single sista whom also is from California here at Destee.com? Just a hypethetical question (what are the chances for that scenario to happen) :)
     
  9. luvmyppl

    luvmyppl Member MEMBER

    Joined:
    Nov 25, 2006
    Messages:
    21
    Likes Received:
    3
    Gender:
    Female
    Occupation:
    Support Service Analyst
    Location:
    Fairfield, CA
    Ratings:
    +3
    hahaha


    I think the chances are great!! :)
     
Loading...