Black Relationships : What would you do if?

Discussion in 'Black Relationships' started by Sekhemu, Jun 15, 2004.

  1. Sekhemu

    Sekhemu Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Joined:
    Jul 9, 2003
    Messages:
    6,489
    Likes Received:
    1,061
    Gender:
    Male
    Occupation:
    priest
    Location:
    new jersey
    Ratings:
    +1,064
    This afternoon, I had a discussion with a few brothas and sistahs. And the subject came up about what should a married woman do, when her husband no longer shows her affection and attention like he used to do?

    Should she try to get a marriage counselor involved? Should she let things continue the way they are for the sake of the children and financial security, or should she "step out" to find her needs met by another man?

    Sistahs if you were in this position, what would you do
     
  2. Aisha

    Aisha Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Joined:
    Jun 9, 2004
    Messages:
    91
    Likes Received:
    0
    Ratings:
    +0
    Sister,
    I would first try to have a couple of date nights (w/out the kids ) with my husband and make it as romantic as I can. If he is cold to me during both dates then I would get counseling and if that didn't work then I would get a divorce because he is most likely giving his affection to someone else. The kids will be fine, I'd rather us be apart than to be miserable together causing misery to our children.
     
  3. NNQueen

    NNQueen going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

    Country:
    United States
    Joined:
    Feb 9, 2001
    Messages:
    6,376
    Likes Received:
    1,431
    Gender:
    Female
    Ratings:
    +1,863
    If I was in that situation Brother Sekhemu, I would simply talk to my husband and tell him if it bothered me that he no longer showed me the same affection as he once did. I would try to find out if there were legitimate reasons to explain his change in behavior. I would also look within myself to see whether I had changed in the way that I treated him. I would ask him whether he thought I had changed too. If I had changed in my treatment of him, but still cared deeply for him, I would do something immediately to change my behavior to let him know how special he was to me. It's been my experience that as people grow older as couples, they oftentimes take each other for granted without realizing the drastic shift in behavior.

    If however, he told me that he no longer felt toward me the way that he used to and couldn't bring himself to show me the affection that he once did, I would have to weigh whether that was enough for me to continue in the relationship and if not, discuss alternatives--including divorce. I would seek outside counsel only if he and I agreed that we wanted to "save" our marriage but believed that we could not solve the problem alone. Stepping outside my marriage to be with another man is not an option unless I was in a polyandrous relationship, and then it probably wouldn't matter that much if one of my husbands found other hobbies to hold his interest.

    Queenie :spinstar:
     
  4. queentswana

    queentswana Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Joined:
    Jan 24, 2004
    Messages:
    7,007
    Likes Received:
    160
    Occupation:
    day care provider (own business)
    Location:
    Brick City
    Ratings:
    +161
    Well now that's a loaded question. I can't speak for anyone else, I can only tell you about what I would do in my relationship. First of all, we talk, and the slightest change in either of us, the other is aware of it. And if for some reason he was no longer interested in me, I'd conversate with him about it because I am the type of person that if he no longer loved me and I was deeply in love with him, ...he'd have to go, I'd cry, scream, physically get sick, and the whole nine...but he'd have to go. I love too hard to not get that love back and I really wouldn't be angry at him...just hurt. Because as much as it would cut me up inside, I do realize that people grow and people change, sometimes to you and sometimes apart.
    Now I strongly stand by my conviction when I said, he'd have to go because in my relationship...I give my all. and once my "all" ain't enough, there's nothing left. As far as the children is concern? he can see her when he want and if he's doing the right thing about himself. As far as another man being in the picture...that's out (for now) I'd be too busy trying to get my life back together.
     
  5. vj57

    vj57 Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Joined:
    Dec 25, 2003
    Messages:
    131
    Likes Received:
    6
    Ratings:
    +6
    Grab the Bull By The Horn

    One of my coworkers was having trouble in her marriage. I told her that she needed to take some time out for her husband and stop spending late hours at work. Give the employer the 37.5 hours and go HOME! (That is a personal policy I stick by even though I have a grown son and no husband...I need time for ME and not for that darn job!)

    She listened. Took her bonus money and told her husband one day: "We're going on an 11-day cruise, just the two of us!"

    They had 11 days of paradise and she said that her husband was so relaxed and romantic. And since that time, there has been happiness and laughter. I spoke with him and he said to me that EVERY year from now on they are going to do a cruise with NO kids.

    My friend tells me that he acts different. That's what is needed sometimes, a woman has to "grab the bull by the horn" and get aggressive in trying to save a marriage.

    Another friend, on the other hand, just didn't bother to listen and berated her husband to other people all the time. Today is the first anniversary of his death and this man died HATING her. One thing I've learned is that a woman needs to build up and not tear down. The hurtful words she said to him in the past; I think the marriage could had been happier if she had just learned to shut her mouth.

    I believe the man tried, but she always messed it up with her bitterness. Now that he's dead, she's still bitter and even have left people with the impression that she's glad he's dead!

    But sometimes, no matter what is done to make a save, things won't work. That's when I will not spend my life in a loveless marriage. I've seen couples do this for years...married and living separate lives.

    Like Queentswana said, after you give your all, there's nothing left.
     
  6. vj57

    vj57 Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Joined:
    Dec 25, 2003
    Messages:
    131
    Likes Received:
    6
    Ratings:
    +6
    I agree with you, Aisha! That's what I mentioned about a coworker friend. It worked! Girlfriend took the hubby on a 11-day cruise and my boy is still glowing! They still have some problems, but she noted that he is more into making things work and is really paying attention to her. And even the kids are seeing dad and mom being more affectionate.

    I have even offered to babysit for couples so they can spend some time together. I'm going to watch a grandnice and nephew one weekend while their parents go away.

    My pastor highly recommends that couples get away from everything and everybody.

    And if the woman takes her husband out on a "date", nothing wrong with her "footing the bill". My friend earns more than her husband and she paid for the entire cruise with bonus money. She had already planned and paid for it when she just told him to "pack his bags". They had never been away from the kids (the oldest being 21) and it was TIME.
     
  7. Sekhemu

    Sekhemu Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Joined:
    Jul 9, 2003
    Messages:
    6,489
    Likes Received:
    1,061
    Gender:
    Male
    Occupation:
    priest
    Location:
    new jersey
    Ratings:
    +1,064

    Interesting story.... however, you haven't said what you would do in this situation.
     
  8. Sekhemu

    Sekhemu Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Joined:
    Jul 9, 2003
    Messages:
    6,489
    Likes Received:
    1,061
    Gender:
    Male
    Occupation:
    priest
    Location:
    new jersey
    Ratings:
    +1,064

    Sistah Queenie, your wisdom is boundless!
     
  9. vj57

    vj57 Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Joined:
    Dec 25, 2003
    Messages:
    131
    Likes Received:
    6
    Ratings:
    +6
    Sekhemu, I've never been married, but have been very observant of others and with reading books from the standpoint of Christian authors, I know what I want in a marriage and have taken serious notes to heart on my role as a woman.

    There is always hope in a marriage. I've seen couples who went through fights, unfaithfulness, etc. get things back on track and have happier marriages.

    I would make sure I'm doing my best to make the marriage happy. If I've done my best, and he still wants to be anti-social or mistreat me, it's OVER.

    I thought it was clear in what I mentioned to my co-worker what I would do, Sekhemu. Sometimes we have to evaluate things and then act on it. There is always hope when you at least make an effort to improve things.

    But like I said, if he does not want me, he can "move on".
     
  10. Sekhemu

    Sekhemu Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Joined:
    Jul 9, 2003
    Messages:
    6,489
    Likes Received:
    1,061
    Gender:
    Male
    Occupation:
    priest
    Location:
    new jersey
    Ratings:
    +1,064
    well said!