Black Relationships : what to do

Discussion in 'Black Relationships' started by cypher, May 20, 2003.

  1. cypher

    cypher Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    hello everyone, i have this situation that is tearing me apart. i am currently married to my wife of five years and we have two beautiful little boys. and YES! we are a black family. my wife and i have had many struggles over the eight years that we have been together and we were even separated for a year. during that time we both were involved with other people and we have both confessed to all of our extracurricular activities while apart. the problem that i have come to is that a beautiful sista that i became involved with during that time is also a co-worker and to take the cake we have become very good friends. during our little summer fling i never reallytook the time to get to know her and since then i have come to learn of just how wonderful she really is. a beautiful spirit inside and natural beauty out. i do feel like i could be happy with this person while things between my wife and i are still quite sour. i know most people would think to go for love, but i have these two huge obstacles, my children whom i love very deeply. in this day and age it is rare to have a black family together let alone a father in the house. i am miserable without my kids and i don't want to be part of that ugly statistic that says black men abandon their children. there is obviously alot more to this but i don't care to go any further. if anyone cares to shed a little light on this situation it would be greatly appreciated....:confused: :uhoh:
     
  2. PurpleMoons

    PurpleMoons Administrator STAFF

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    HHMMMMMM! Wife, known for eight years. Sista, summer fling. Children you can't part with. It's like when your'e a kid and you get the bestest present of all. You play with it until you get familiar with the ends and outs. Then you become extremly bored with it and store it away somewhere. But you loved this present so much that you make sure you put it in a safe place. Then one day you see this new toy. It looks interesting and you think that maybe it can be fun. But what happens when you get to know the ins and out of this new toy. Will you put it away too?
    What i'm trying to say is that with your wife you know what you can expect from her. You know where she stands when it comes to you. Is she worth losing? You separated and then you got back together. Was this action solely for the kids sake or was it that you missed her too? As you can see I dont know the answer but you should ask yourself a series of questions because to me eight years is alot of time to throw away and your children will definitly be affected by your actions. Is it really worth it? Good luck! And may you make the best decision.
     
  3. cypher

    cypher Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    thanx purplemoons, i do know what to expect from my wife and i'm not so sure that i am happy with that...there has been a lot of time and feelings invested with her but i have been listening and observing so much about this other person who is indeed a friend now and i really enjoy her a lot...don't know if it would work but who ever does...thanks so much for the input and i do have to ask myself a bunch of questions....much love
     
  4. PurpleMoons

    PurpleMoons Administrator STAFF

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    You are welcome. I hope I helped some.
     
  5. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    we all at some point fine self in this same spot
    she is your wife and surely u still love her deeply and for the lady u meet ova the summer and now seem to know somewhat well seem beter then what your going through is a big step after all those years and struggles the pain and still somehow together counts big but the children is more a factor here they yes indeed need the father i agree with purplemoons u need to ask self some things and feel your way through this emotional maze u facing most time this do affect the children and sometime if it can't be and don't work no matter what theirs no need to live unhappy for the life we are give we need to be as happy and fufill it as much as we can ........not saying yes leave and start again still you will be able to have your children too in split custody
    but i would try to work it out at home find ways to make it better
    see i have been on this road myself and yes i am in the statistic book we did not make it so we moved on but faithfully my son is by me daily their are things u might need to be fair to your self with and be honest to the other mate involved let her know the real story and see what happen i've seen most get mighty ugly and upset then you see the side u thought wasn't their yes ur wife u know well and don't like what u see in that try to work with her on it and see if things can change to a point where love can come back in the hearts of u both and emotional feelings can become apart of u both for a better living those children need u both man i know what u saying truely i've been in your shoes too but if i can do it again i would change a few things and do it another way to save what was ........good luck on this emotional marriage .
     
  6. monetg

    monetg Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Cypher,

    You can't make your children happy if you are not happy. My parents stayed together for "the sake of the kids" and I think they couldn't have made a bigger mistake. What's the point of being with someone you only tolerate and what kind of message does that send to your children? That obligation is more important than happiness?
    I'm not saying abandon your wife but if you've exhausted all avenues (counseling, trial separation, etc.) and the relationship cannot be salvaged--what's left but to go your separate ways?
    Whether you and your wife permanently separate or not, keep your co-worker at arm's length until your situation is finalized. It's not fair to her to be placed in the middle--also you'll need time to "recuperate" should you and your wife divorce. If she's a true friend she's not going anywhere and only wants what's best for you and yours.
    Also, no longer being your wife's husband doesn't mean you are no longer your children's Father--YOU WILL ALWAYS BE THERE FATHER!! So don't let a failed relationship with their Mother interfere with your paternal responsibilities and don't worry about being a stastic--focus on being a good person and a good Father and all else will fall into place.
     
  7. cypher

    cypher Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    thank you all for the advice and the love...i need to do some soul searching and pray for guidance here...i appreciate you all listening and i am so glad that i have been blessed with my new family...my brother $$RICH$$ we have to get together soon cuz it gets cold here in the windy city and i could use some brotherly love, ya dig.......much love for the fam
     
  8. redlady

    redlady Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    cypher, i rarely give advice, cause my life ain't no crystal staircase...and even still it's hard for me to give advice, but i will say this much...as long as you are around this other woman, and involved with this other woman, you are not giving your marriage a fair chance. if your marriage is indeed going to heal, and you are going to resume your love for your wife, you need to separate yourself from the situation totally and be totally focused on your wife. if that means leaving your job and starting someplace new, then so be it. i've had to do it, and to this day, i cannot explain to my husband why i left a good job after 7 years, and he's still angry about it...but if he knew that i did it to save our marriage, he might look at things less harshly. even still, it will be difficult, because they say that the amount of time you spent in a relationship takes an equal amount of time OUT of that relationship to heal totally, so if you were involved with someone for a year, it will take close to a year for you to heal from that relationship, etc. and i also agree with monet...YOU WILL ALWAYS BE A FATHER. don't let fear of being a statistic take that away from you. good luck.
     
  9. cypher

    cypher Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    thank you for the great advice redlady...i am separating myself from the other woman so i can think clearly...i just want to be fair to everyone and find a little happiness for myself...and please you all my greatest goal in life is to be a great father and i will let nothing stop me from doing that, it's just difficult to imagine life without being able to watch over them in their sleep and give them a big hug when they wake up...i just hate that statistic yall but i wont fail my children, ever....love strong
     
  10. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    indeed we shall to share some inner thoughts

    seek your happiness and be fair to one self as to the others
    be loyal to u and know to love u before others can love u
    the children will be pretty much o'k knowing dad and mom
    is smiling
    maybe she want this to be , why she keep the heat on
    I tell u we face these kinda things
    but do think about it and give the marriage a chance
    do all u can if it's not to be don't force it
    relax and let it go just be right with the kids
    do for them and be a guide for them that's what is asked
    of u as a parient............u gotta hook up soon ...