Black Relationships : What to do when I want to have another baby and my husband doesn't?

Discussion in 'Black Relationships' started by QbanMami, Oct 5, 2004.

  1. QbanMami

    QbanMami Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I need some insight. My daughter will be 3 shortly and I want another baby. The problem isn't that I can't become pregnant but rather my husband does not want anymore. He has 3 children including our daughter but she is my only one! I feel like he is being selfish and I'm really trying not to breakdown. He"s an excellent husband, father, and provider. Sisters, how would you address this? Brothers, am I being unfair?
     
  2. panafrica

    panafrica Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    *A brother's opinion...this brother's opinion.*

    QbanMami:

    I find one of the most serious issues facing couples who intend to marry is the amount of children each want to have (if any). The issue is serious because once married disagreements about the number of children to have can become a major issue/divide in a marriage. Are you being selfish to want another child? No I don't believe so. Although I'm sure you were aware of your husband's two children before you married. In reality his two children by another woman/women has nothing to do with your child, and it does not (and should not) satisfy your desire to have your own family, as his two children prior to the relationship are his and not yours! Your husband should know this, and be sensitive towards it. In this regard I feel if anyone is being selfish it is your husband.

    That being said, your husband is financially responsible for all three children, and this is a burden. I would assume that the financial equation plays heavily in your husband's decision. This is understandable; however, it is also the reality that when you take on multiple families you have to satisfy all. The amount of children you have is debatable, and unfortunately his other two children will always be a factor. Maybe you'll never have a Cosby family running around, but I personally would not be satisfied with 1 child either.

    At this point QbanMami all you can do is continue to talk to your husband. Continue to express your desire to have more children, and try to convince him that your daughter needs siblings (in the house). Hopefully he will see your viewpoint and agree to have more. The one thing I wouldn't recommend is to get pregnant anyway, and hope he accepts it. While he might just accept it, this would be a risk, and could cause a problem in your marriage. Good Luck!
     
  3. islander

    islander Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I agree. My ex-boyfriend and I broke up because I wanted to have children and he didn't. He has two other children with his ex-wife and I have none. We talked about getting married and starting a family on several occasions and eventually he just changed his mind.

    I think that on one hand, your husband is being selfish, but on the other hand, he does have to factor in his other two children when considering the financial burden. It's a tough situation to face, but if there was some way that you two could sit down and come up with a plan, then maybe you can have another one two or three years from now rather than at this time. Good luck sister.
     
  4. NNQueen

    NNQueen going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    QbanMami, I don't have anything different to add to what's already been shared. Honestly, I wouldn't have a clue as to what I'd do if I was in your shoes. I could imagine that I would feel hurt and confused though. I can understand both sides of the issue...your husband's and yours. I don't think that selfishness is the real issue here. There may be far more practical and realistic reasons involved and all things should be considered. You've been blessed to have one child and that's a beautiful thing. You and your husband must continue to talk and reach a mutual understanding and respect for each other's opinion. To not handle it this way will only lead to more misery down the road as you grow older and look back on your life.

    I wish you the best with this and hope your family becomes whatever you are blessed to receive!

    Peace,
    Queenie :spinstar:
     
  5. kente417mojo

    kente417mojo Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I think that you guys need to seriously rethink having another child. It seems in this day and age...having more than 2 children can be too stressful financially and emotionally. I think that since you guys already have responsibilities, then maybe he feels he wants to stop now before it gets to be too much. I think that if one person doesn't want to then that should be the end of it. You can't ask someone to do something that brings unwanted stress and burden into their life. It's different if you go without something that you want, but to take on something that you really don't want is alot harder.
     
  6. QbanMami

    QbanMami Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Thank y'all so much! I do help with the financial responsibility of our daughter and I care for his children like they are my own. Of course they are not but I do buy them things. I'm not trying to be unreasonable by all means I'm not trying to break my husband's back. I do work. Fortunately, I'm blessed to only work 10-15 hours a week as a certified aerobics instructor and then I am also a certified personal trainer, both of which are very lucrative jobs. I wouldn't take on anything that I didn't think that we could handle. I am going to talk to him about this in a liitle bit- I just want to gather my thoughts.
     
  7. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    GOOD LUCK hope this work out for the both .....
     
  8. MANASIAC

    MANASIAC Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I feel the husband on not wanting the kiddies, 3 is enough for 3 lifetimes.
     
  9. indya

    indya Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    QBanMami,

    You don't mention your husbands age in your post. My brother-in-law doesn't want kids because of his age (40). He doesn't want to be an older parent, since his mother was older when he was born (she is now between 79-81, not sure). I think he feels he missed out by not having parents who he could do more with when he was growing up.
    I've told my sister to keep talking to him about it, but in the end she's going to have to respect his feelings about it.

    I don't know if this will help out, since maybe your husband is younger and age isn't an issue with him.
     
  10. Keita Kenyatta

    Keita Kenyatta going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO?
     
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