Black Relationships : What Should I Be Feeling?

Discussion in 'Black Relationships' started by river, Sep 15, 2010.

  1. river

    river Watch Her Flow MEMBER

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    My sister is contemplating suicide and to tell the truth I feel exasperated. This isn’t the first time or even the second time she has done this. In fact, every time she faces a challenge in life she tells people she is thinking about killing herself. As her sister I feel deeply distressed at the mere thought of her doing such a thing and I feel hurt when she feels pain. At the same time I feel resentful that she is pulling at my heart strings like this. I want to encourage her but when I talk to her I realize we’ve been having these same conversations for nearly thirty years and if what I say is not helping her there is nothing new I can think to say.

    I remember when she was five years old trying to learn to roller skate. She would throw herself on the bed and cry “It‘s too hard! I can‘t do it.” I would remind her that this is the same thing she said about learning to tie her shoe or ride a bike or anything else she tried to do. I told her because she had kept trying she learned how to do those things. I am like my mother. We will agree with you that you are in a bad situation but we will not agree with you that you are in an impossible situation. Anyone who comes to me with weakness I will point to the strength that is within them.

    But somewhere along the way my mother got involved with the word of faith christian movement and she raised my sisters to look outside themselves for strength. Now I am wondering because my sister told me last night that her faith in God is gone. I can now see the danger of Christianity. No matter how helpful and sustaining an illusion may be there is always the danger hat encroaching truths may lead to disillusion. When that illusion is based on faith there is no safety net. The church always has an explanation for why things don’t happen in the real world the way they say. We are taught to see these explanations as answers but sometimes a person gets tired of explanations. Sometimes they just aren’t enough.

    I find myself having the same conversation with my sister that we had and have been having since she was five years old but for decades she has been indoctrinated to distrust the strength within her and see it as a dangerous thing. This past July she really did lock herself in the room in preparation to do herself in with a needle full of insulin (she is diabetic). A spirit (ancestor, angel, orisha, somebody) moved her four year old daughter to bang on the door with a sudden craving for yogurt (I will never bad mouth yogurt). Then my sister knew she could not take her own life and leave her three children. Apparently though, this was not true knowledge just feeling that would evaporated when the next challenge popped up.

    I don’t know what is going on with her now. The court awarded her $750 a month in child support afte3r her husband went off with an old girlfriend from high school who found him on Facebook. She also got a new better paying job so I thought things would be all right. A week later I call and her 13 year old daughter tells me they may have to move into a hotel because they can’t pay the rent and the 10 year old son may have to go live with the father. When I talked to my sister last night she told me she was tired, and life is too hard, and it’s not going to get better, and to do her a favor and finish my book and tell her story and let people know she loved her children and….. My mind is reeling. What is she talking about? What are you talking about? I say the things I been saying for thirty years.. She tells me she has to go and will talk to me later. The “talk to you later” part gives me hope so I hang up the phone.

    Fambly I don’t like this being co-dependant. If I accept the possibility that like Phyllis Hyman, my sister might one day really commit suicide I feel like an accomplice to the crime, almost giving her permission or at least allowing it to happen by my lack of faith and/or the law of attraction. But if I tell myself that she won’t do it and just put my mental foot down I feel like I am entering into delusion. , setting myself p to be devastated.
     
  2. Ankhur

    Ankhur Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Those who love you, love the Destee family and all Black people

    Can only help you by not helping you, with our this and that.

    Counselors and community workers know that the firs question one asks someone who says they are depressed is

    "Do you feel like you want to harm someone or harm yourself?"

    THERE IS NOTHING TO READ ON THE WEB OTHER THEN THIS

    CALL ALL BLACK WHOLISTIC HEALTH AND WOMENS ISSUES PROFESSIONALS IN YOUR AREA LIKE

    20 MINUTS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    PUT A PRAYER ON IT AND PICK THE BEST 2 OR THREE THAT YOU FIND
    TO BE FROM THE HEART
    AND INTO THE SAME VIBE YOU ARE ?????

    WORK WITH THEM AND SEE WHAT THEY HAVE TO SAY

    MAKE SURE THERE ARE LOVING PEOPLE AROUND HER ,AND IT WILL BE PAINFULL FOR YOU TO BE AROUND HER TO MAKE SURE, .......YOU KNOW
    EVEN IFYOU GOTTA WRESTLE HER TO THE GROUND TO PREVENT......

    YOU HAVE NO CHOICE IF YOU LOVE HER

    BUT THIS IS SERIOUS AND CALL NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
     
  3. jamesfrmphilly

    jamesfrmphilly going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    professional help!

    i have dealt with depression all my adult life.

    get a therapist. contact the suicide help lines.

    good luck.
     
  4. medusanegrita

    medusanegrita Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I can't tell you how to feel. That's a personal thing and whatever you feel is valid.

    I am an atheist but there is no solace in being an atheist either. When things get hard, go wrong, and you get stuck with no seemingly way out - there is no god to pray too, no hope in jesus, no faith in allah, no thinking that with more faith or a 'mustard grain' of faith will make a bigger impact and someone or some entity will help you. So like your religious counterpart you can feel all alone in this world, trapped, depressed, stuck, disillusioned, disappointed, wondering what the hell you are going to do and how. I've recently had one of my greatest disappointments and roadblocks to date and have taken a fatalistic view towards life. I am not suicidal, but the thought has crossed my mind. Mainly I'm just thinking I don't want to be here, that I've accomplished absolutely nothing in almost 4 decades, that I'm moving backwards instead of forwards.... and I'm tired and would be just as well dead because nothing is happening in this life. Roadblock after roadblock after roadblock. I try to see everything as a worthwhile learning experience, but figuring life that way can only go so far.

    I have a psyche appointment coming up. I love the opportunity to talk and express feelings but other that I'm usually not interested and I've procrastinated for the longest time. Now I'm interested because there may be opportunity for me get drugs. At a point, I was against prescrip drugs because I felt that if I had any mental health issues, they were trivial to non-existent and could be 'cured' with exercise or just having my life go where I needed it to go.

    But my life is not going in the direction I need, and I'm suffering from depression and anxiety. I've been diag as bi-polar in the past - described as extreme highs of happiness, extreme lows of sadness in a relatively short period or time. They say it psychological, but I'm sure mine is environmental - a response to extreme disappointments & highs in this messed up world called life. Too many & one can become disillusioned, despondent, depressed about everything in life. Weed provided a very good temporary reprieve, but I would like a steadier supply of drugs I can more easily access.

    Your sister sounds as if she may also be bi-polar and suffering from a similar issue as I. She may need a counselor to express any underlying issues she may have, and she may also need to have a psychiatry assessment to determine if she needs drugs. You are a co-dependent - and she is relying on your love for her because it seems like you have more love for her than she has for herself. Be careful with that. She could be using you to keep her sane and viable but refuse to help herself to get better or get past her issues. She is gonna drain your strength like a vampire.

    You're gonna have to cut her off or at least step back. Sit down with her, talk to her about getting help, figure out her insurance (government or private) and call someone about getting her assessed for counseling and psychiatry. Make these appointment with her, keep note of them yourself - and tell her you won't be talking to her until it's time for those appointments - and that she better keep them if she still wants your help and love, and that of the rest of her family. She needs to be self-centered - herself over everyone else. If she is to be the best parent/sister/daughter she can be, she needs to put her emotional and psychological health on the front burner and get help. You need to self-preserve your own emotional strength. I don't think she wants to kill herself.... but she can 'accidently' kill herself. You can do things with the intention of hurting yourself (not killing yourself) and then wind up in a very serious condition or situation. I've done that.
     
  5. skuderjaymes

    skuderjaymes Contextualizer Synthesizer MEMBER

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    Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255), a free, 24-hour hotline available to anyone in suicidal crisis or emotional distress. Your call will be routed to the nearest crisis center to you.

    http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
     
  6. skuderjaymes

    skuderjaymes Contextualizer Synthesizer MEMBER

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    What city and state is she in?
     
  7. Nameless

    Nameless Banned MEMBER

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    Although my first instinct would gear me to speak of the laws of life and death, and the root cause of the emotion pursuant to death, however, that would be too logical in my response.

    If you accept the possibility, you accept defeat, in that which you do not desire for yourself nor your sister.

    If you are tired of the repetition of the same speech, and it has not changed the situation I would advise one of two approaches

    If she has been lead down the path of chrisitanity and/or has chosen outrightwardly to accept this as her way of life, then appeal to that. Judus hung himself, and therefore as they teach would not make it to heaven.

    Draw whatever good you can. Some are steadfast to this path, innocently and with the right frame of heart.

    Secondly,

    With regard to her seeing strength in herself, and I say this with the utmost respect, draw from your own strength. Your power to change any situation in life lies within you.

    Do you believe that through you your sister might be blessed with the will to survive?

    The law of attraction is also based on what you put out there, not necessarily though words, but do you perceive that your word and intent can be born? Do you expect your intentions to actualize all around you?

    Be strong, and give your sister the attention that she needs from you. Be sure to transfer only the "love" of your being to her, because through you doubt can also be created.

    Never doubt yourself!!!!

    If you don't like being co-dependent, become co-creator. :)

    I believe that you can produce and bring out the best in your sister.

    One Love
     
  8. river

    river Watch Her Flow MEMBER

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    I find this especially helpful.

    I think I will have to opt for the second choice. If I wanted to go the christian route and tell her she cannot be forgiven that would be trying to motivate her through fear and guilt. We motivate others with the same things that motivate us. I know the scripture I would use and I know what to say but when I rehearsed the words coming out of my mouth they did not resonate with me. I am not motivated by fear or guilt and can not see myself convincingly using these to motivate others.
     
  9. river

    river Watch Her Flow MEMBER

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    Hey sista Medusa,

    I am so glad to see you again. Welcome home!

    I think the difference between an atheist and a theist is about the same as between someone who buys lottery tickets and someone who doesn't.

    My sister is already on an anti depressant called Zoloft (sp?). She was sent to a psyche ward when she attempted suicide in July.They counseled her and even provided christian based counseling. She was happy with it and hopeful until they did they family counseling. Her husband had already been having an on line affair. That's what made her attempt her life. When they called him in for counseling she had a list of requirements he had to meet if he wanted their marriage to continue. She thought the counselors would support her in this but instead they told her she was too controlling. Still she was prepared to put him out if he did not agree to her requirements. Instead he chose to move out and that kinda took the wind out of her sails.

    It is true she can be very controlling. We even came to lows once. She gets this attitude like you better do what I tell you or I'm going to get mad (I am 12 yrs older) and I am like well you just have to get mad then. My refusal to get upset would make her livid. They had her on Zantex(sp?) But she stopped taking it and would do really ugly things to me. I told her she she stat taking it again for she goes off on the wrong person and they will hurt her. She said "Oh I don't go off on everyone" (thanks for puting me on your list of people it's ok to go off on). She seems to have grown a lot and we get along much better now. She seems to have a lot of guilt about me. She always tells me how much she loves me and how sorry she is for all the mean things she did to me and how much she appreciates my love for her. I won't go into detail but between my sister and my mother the two of them did their level best to turn my life into a scene from Whatever Happened to Baby Jane.
     
  10. Kemetstry

    Kemetstry going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    1. Your sister is in need of professional help

    2. She also seems to be a needy, drama queen

    3. After it is determined, professionally, that she doesnt have a mental issue, she needs some tough love. She doesnt get to go off the deep end every time the going gets tough in life. Your entire family needs to let her know that in no uncertain terms

    4. I would recommend both intervention, psychiatrist and tough love

















    :em0200:

     
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