What Percentage Is The Parent's Fault?

Discussion in 'Black Parenting' started by Destee, Nov 12, 2001.

  1. Destee

    Destee destee.com STAFF

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    When a child (teen) drops out of school, gets pregnant or impregnates someone, does drugs (using, selling, etc.), ends up in jail, refuses to work ... or any of the other things we consider "bad decisions" .... what percentage of the fault should the parent accept?

    I realize that by the time teens can make the kind of choices above, a great part of the responsibility falls on their own shoulders ... but as that child's parent(s) ... don't we have to assume some percentage of responsibility ... since it was our job to teach the child ... and we obviously failed?

    Or do you think all fault should be placed squarely on the shoulders of the child?
     
  2. Jade

    Jade Member MEMBER

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    I am a prime example of...

    of a seed gone bad. My parents did everything that concerned, dedicated loving parents do. There is one caveat, I was assaulted (raped) in my early teens and never told anyone. As a result, I acted out my hostility, pain etc.

    In retrospect, I did things specifically to my father because I felt like he should have been there to protect me. I venture to say that I agree with Kemestry, there are extenuating circumstances and some children will go astray regardless of the efforts of the parent(s).

    I would like to add that the opposite also happens. My girlfriend as a third generation project baby. No father in the home, mother died from AIDS and her 23 year old brother died from heart disease. She determined that she "wanted" a different life. She went to job corp, learned a trade, got a job with the city, and is married with children. She was the motivation for her siblings to change the quality of their life. I know this does not directly address the question but I just wanted to point out that the opposite is also a possibility. Something positive can come from a negative environment.
     
  3. Jade

    Jade Member MEMBER

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    Even this twisted sistah...

    knows a good thing. I have perpetuated the same values, ethics and morals in my own family. I know it was because of strong parenting and consistent modeling of their convictions that kept me from going ape****.

    But in response to your observation Kemestry, I have heard that and seen the results of it also. I chose to learn vicariously.
     
  4. Da Street So'ja

    Da Street So'ja Banned MEMBER

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    WHAT HAPPENS

    WHEN THE PARENT IS A KID

    PARENTS DO HAVE SOME RESPONSIBILTY

    BUT EACH PERSON HAS AN INNATE PRE DESTINY "IF YOU MAY"
    THAT THEY WILL FOLLOW THROUGH LIFE

    I THINK THEY CALL IT

    SOUL
     
  5. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    MOTHER & FATHER

    PLAYS A ROLE IN THE CHILDS LIKE OF GROWING UP
    YET AFTER TEACHING AND PREACHING THE VALUES
    AND MORALS OF LIFE IF THAT CHILD GO ASTRAY
    ITS NOT THERE FALUT BUT IN SOME CASES CHILDREN
    CAN LOSE SELF IN THE STREET LIFE COZ OF MANY
    BROKEN HOMES I AGREE WIT KEM AND JADE AS WELL
    THERE ARE MANY WAYS A CHILD CAN GO BAD
    MOST OFTEN I'VE SEEN THIS
     
  6. imhotep35

    imhotep35 Active Member MEMBER

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    The fruit does not fall far from the tree

    As a parent of three young adults, I am not sure what is the correct formula for successful child-rearing. Children are individuals and have individual needs. I am sure, however, that if a parent approaches their child as a gift from God, deserving of love, understanding and guidance, one may be on the right approach. Parents need to teach by example. Children rebel at hypocrisy. I confess that all I learned came from my own upbringing and my parent's continual insistence and direction and consistency. Perhaps the only advantage of a segregated society, which was the case in my youth, was the close-knit neighborhood. There was agreement all up and down the street on what behavior was acceptable and what was honorable. We went to Sunday School because that is what all kids did. There was no question about that. If we got out of order, punishment was meted out on the spot by the nearest adult....and later at home by my parents.
    I am reluctant to place blame (fault). So many factors are present in today's society that influence the outcome that are beyond the control of either parent or child. Unfortunately too many young people become parents before they have fully matured and able to make a conscious choice to become a parent. To simply command that a child go to school, stay out of trouble, avoid drugs is not enough. Parents must know what children should do - i.e. what activities are constructive, educational, character building...and participate with them. Perhaps too many parents have never fully developed their own potential and are somewhat limited in the ability to provide vision.
    The society we live in today bears some of the responsibility. Media, entertainment, crime, "the good life" are all emphasized in excess. What the child sees, hears, thinks...are all directed by media outlets, peers, etc. A responsible parent must intercede and interpret for the child.
    I have also been guided by a statement by Rev. Howard Thurman: "If we love a child and the child senses that we love him, he will get a concept of love that all subsequent hatred in the world will never be able to destroy."
     
  7. CarrieMonet

    CarrieMonet Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I think many times it is the fault of the parent...but usually indirectly.

    Many of my friends start letting their young girls and boys talk on the phone at age 10 or 11. I have yet to understand what kids that young have to talk about. They let their middle school aged kids go to dances at the school or community centers...but they don't stay to see what's going on. Many of my female friends dress their girls like little "ladies", not like little girls. People let their kids go to the park at young ages alone...some even let kids as young as 8 take public transportation alone...which is scary.

    Some times I think some kids have too much freedom. My daughter was given a timeline at age 8. The time line was for both of us and served as a reminder/guideline for things she could look forward to. These things were stuff like: getting her ears pierced, shaving legs, dating, dances, proms, driving, giving out our home number, spending the night, having sleep overs, etc. Each age she was able to do something new, some ages she was allowed to do two or three things

    Some of those things probably seem simple,but when you associate things to an age you think is appropriate for your child when they are still young and you stick to it, it really will floor you when you see how others let their children do just about the same things grown ups do.

    So I'm not saying that parents can stop their kids from choosing to make a wrong decision, but I think we have a chance to prevent them from being exposed to a lot of negative things, and we have a chance to instill positive things if we are really taking a part of our child's life.

    Well, that is just my experience. Try to lead by example.
     
  8. panafrica

    panafrica Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I agree completely CarrieMonet!
     
  9. daroc

    daroc Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    my older brother always got good gradses.. str8 A's .. all that.. never was in trouble.. then in high schoool he got in trouble for stupid stuff... but my moms didint think much of it .. cuz it wasnt a reg... but 2 yrs later.. my moms finds him sellin drugs out her hose... while he has a job.. and goes ot college... was it her fault.. i dont think so.. he knew better... allot of times we are quick to blame parents for mistakes that their children made jus b/c its their kid...but when should responsibility be put on the person doign the wrong

    and when a child does wrong.. is it the parents responsibility to help em out... cuz i kno my dad was liek he got himself in jail so im not helpin him.... should a parent always ahve to "rescue" their child
     
  10. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    i have to agree as well carrieMonet that's the truth and reality
    we can make a different in the role our children play in life growing up
     
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