Black Relationships : What is love really?

Discussion in 'Black Relationships' started by PurpleMoons, Dec 6, 2004.

  1. PurpleMoons

    PurpleMoons Administrator STAFF

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    Family, I know yall are going to think, what is wrong with purple when I put my questions out here in the fashion that I will. LOL But I'm gonna do it none the less.

    What is love really? Is love just and emotion that we created in our own minds to fill a void that we don't understand? Or is it a force that we cant control when in a situation with someone or something we care deeply about?

    The reason why I ask this question is because I would like to know, how is it that some people can choose not to love? Some people can shutdown this emotion and never feel the connection to another. Is it that they are consistant with lying to themselves when it comes to love or is it that love is created in the mind and some have mastered control of that part of the mind?

    When people say that they love someone, How do they know it is really love or whether its just a void that they are trying to fill? When love is rejected, how does it sometimes turn it to resentment, anger, then hate if love is said to conquer hate?

    Oh philosophizers! where are you? come on out and delve in this mysterious concept of love with me.
     
  2. CarrieMonet

    CarrieMonet Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I really want to respond to this portion of your question... it really hit home, ya know.

    I'll be back with my response.
     
  3. CarrieMonet

    CarrieMonet Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Many will argue that to LOVE is to make the decision to LOVE – I would agree with that statement. Some will argue you can’t help who you fall in love with but I don’t agree. If you don’t choose to be around someone, how can you fall in love with them? If you don’t choose to let someone in your space, how can you give into love? If love scares the **** out of you, then you will avoid it at all costs. I am of course talking about loving someone other than family members…

    As a true cancer woman I believe it is in my nature to LOVE and love deeply. Despite what I’m about to type here, I love being in love and giving love – I do however have a huge problem accepting love or feeling as if someone else’s love for me is genuine. I’ve often thought my love would be appreciated by those I gave it to and that it would be reciprocated …I was that naïve. When I was in my late teens my father told me I was too old for my age and that my love was too much for anyone my age to handle, that I should just be single and wait until I was older. At the time I thought he certainly could not know what he was talking about and went on about my relationship with my boyfriend. But my father’s words were true, my boyfriend at the time literally said he loved me, but could not handle how I felt about him. That relationship ended and I was single for a few years. Then I met one of the only men I’ve ever really loved. I was 22 and he was 31. We were together for a long time and had a wonderful relationship. Then one day my perfect relationship ended in the worst way possible. I was devastated knowing that I wanted to marry him, that he loved me too, but that things would not work out. I remember feeling as if someone literally tore my heart out of my chest and I barely functioned for months.

    A few years later I got in my first relationship in which I lived with my boyfriend. We lived together 5 years and had a great friendship, but I never let myself fall in love with him. I loved him as a person and cared about his well being, but I was never IN LOVE with him (matter-of-fact, we are still good friends today). I was pretty much detached or numb, but I was able to hide this because we worked different shifts most of the time. I really feel it was a relationship of convenience and companionship. When the relationship ended it was really strange because I just moved out one day without letting him know about it. When he came home and found me gone he was angry, but I was happy that it was over and let him know he should find someone else to be with.

    I left that relationship because I was “looking for” a relationship with LOVE and not just friendship. But actually, I was scared to be in love again and after 8 years of being single, sometimes I think I am still scared. I’ve tried to open up my heart and mind to the idea of loving someone but I talk myself out of it. I’ll stop returning calls, I’ll delete phone numbers from my phone, I will close myself off and avoid being around men, especially those I sense could be “the one”. I will however, hang out with my male friends who are not interested in having a relationship…or those who do not seem to want anything from me, or simply go out on dates on occasion to break up the monotony. Logically I know my weaknesses and that I am wrong, I am fully aware of what I am doing and what my actions are, but there is a part of me that can’t let go of this protective shield.

    Sometimes I think I just haven’t met the right man because I feel when I do meet him, he will be strong enough & intelligent enough to give me the time to open up with him. But that is unrealistic even as I type it – I can’t put that sort of burden on anyone else. I know something in me has to change…but I’ve been this way for sooo long I have no idea how to go about changing things. It’s easy to say I will give someone a chance, but my defense mechanisms kick in out of habit.

    Since other areas of my life seem so good, pleasant and generally I enjoy living as I do, it is usually easy to continue on the path that I’m on. But in times of deep reflection, and when I think of my future…especially now that my daughter is almost grown, I feel something in me must change soon.

    So after this long post, I feel that love is a choice. I feel that you have to make an effort to be open and receptive to love in order for it to foster into something that is long-lasting or that turns into DEEP love. I do not believe you can go looking for love or that love will just find you. You have to take a chance, you have to be mentally ready, and you have to put yourself out there in love’s path. Many people will argue that everyone gets hurt in some way or another, and I totally agree. But being hurt does not affect us all the same way. Some heal and recover with no problem. Some never really heal but keep trying anyway. And some are like me…heal but refuse to take a chance to endure that sort of pain again.
     
  4. panafrica

    panafrica Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Maybe this is because I have been battling the flu for the past 5 days...but some of you people's questions make my head hurt!
     
  5. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    I will return to lay a full splash , i study this thing we call love
     
  6. PurpleMoons

    PurpleMoons Administrator STAFF

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    :kick: :court: Be quiet Pan! I'm sorry to hear that you don't fell well! Get stronger soon Brother! Can't have you all sick on a Sister! :hearts2:


    Carriemonet it is profound how we share the same traits. Being a cancer too and all. I thought that I was reading myself.

    Like yourself, I too had shutdown the emotion of love as far as relationships goes. I subconsciously do things to cause conflict. Like avoiding communication when I know it is much needed. I tend to take a small things and make it an issue. I believe I do this because I don't want to get so caught up in the emotions of feelings, and this sort of draws that line between being head over hills and boarder line love. Does that make since Sis?

    I find your post very enlightening as you hit some really great points. Love is more mental than it is devine intervention. The word is over exaggerated just like the act of sex. We can choose who to love and when to love. That isn't the mystery of it at all, Is it?. Once we have chosen to love it seems to be a mixture of many emotions. Such as; happiness,sadness , understanding, insecurity, weakness, strength, and so on........

    So many different emotion seems to appear when a person says that they love somebody. So I say love is a combinations of unlimited emotions. Which ever need/emotion is addressed more, it is the one that will be seen the most in a relationship.

    Thank you Sister Carriemonet for sharing your thoughts with me! :grouphug:
     
  7. PurpleMoons

    PurpleMoons Administrator STAFF

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    Wonderful Brother Rich! Please do tell! :D
     
  8. CarrieMonet

    CarrieMonet Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Yes it makes sense. Being that we are sensitive by nature (being a cancer) I think we are far more protective of self and of the things we love. I make no excuses for how I am...but at times it is hard to explain ME to others. Ironically I immediately recognize the men who would be right for me, who would balance out my fears of falling for them...but then I convince myself that I'm not ready. LOL! My main excuse was parenthood...not bringing men around my daughter but that excuse won't be valid much longer.

    Anyway, it's really nice to be able to let these thoughts out and have someone out there relate to the way I feel. I really am trying to change.

    At any rate, it will be nice to see other people's viewpoints.
     
  9. 1hotvirgowoman

    1hotvirgowoman Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Carrie, you ARE NOT wrong for feeling this way!!. If someone told you that then THEY are wrong!. It is only natural for US to draw up into our own shell when we have been hurt!. The question is What do YOU want to do? Are you happy being alone (if you are)? If not- you already know what to do, and being a Cancer you have that Gut Intuition to let you know if you are being screwed with. But one thing that I do know about you Cancerians is that you live with your Heart on the Your Sleeve when you are TRULY in LOVE. I wish you the best Sis', and you are not alone on this.....
     
  10. MizLindaLinda

    MizLindaLinda Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Love is wanting to give each other filet mignon, but settling for hamburger helper because your sharing it together.
     
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