Black Relationships : What is happening? Need a little advice.

Discussion in 'Black Relationships' started by gotaluvme, Apr 26, 2006.

  1. gotaluvme

    gotaluvme New Member MEMBER

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    I've been in a relationship with this man for 6 years when we met he lied about his age because I was two years older than him, which I didn’t find out until 2 ½ years later when I went to JA to meet his parents because I was 2 months pregnant with our child. Throughout my pregnancy was pure hell with us, I wondered why he didn’t want to marry me and finally he told me because he was married to someone else for his papers which he never got , (we got married November of that next year after he got a divorce) then I wanted to know why wouldn’t he move in and he said it was because the apartment I was living in at the time was too small, So I went out when I was 8 months pregnant and found a bigger apartment paying $1220 rent a month , which was a huge jump from Paying $500 a month Once I moved in he brought a couple of clothes to appease me after I again questioned why won’t he move in , I was fine with it for about a year after I had my son and then the issues arose again he was barely paying his $500 part of the rent and his half of the b-sitter fee with was $200 a month so I had to pick up all of the slack for me and the 2 kids ( Sorry if I didn’t mention earlier but I have a son from a previous relationship who is now 13Yrs old) I found myself losing my car and things being very hard to survive everything for me went down hill a few months later he told me that he had another son who was a couple of months older than our son , I was devastated apparently he helped a girl he was dating in Jamaica before he came to the US get to the US and they had a relationship going on the same time me and him were involved I was CRUSHED, he was distant to me for 4months he wouldn’t stay the night nothing!


    I begged him to not leave me and be with her! And nevertheless like an *** I accepted him when he decided to come back to me. I had totally lost my mind! Through all of this we still weren’t living together I don’t know where he lives but I am 100% sure he doesn’t live with a woman because he would stay the night at my house at least 6 days out of a week. After a couple of months things starting to get bad again we would argue, break up and make up this went on for at least 7 months , because it was so hard for me to trust him because when he wasn’t with me I thought he was with his other son’s mother, I would always ask him and he told me that they don’t live here anymore , so I left it alone but every time he went out of town I felt it was to see her, even though he would say it’s for business. Also keep in mind I pay all the rent, gas a utilities on my own all he pays is our son’s school fee which is $125 a week and now he is having a problem paying that & I have allowed him over the years to have a key to my home and keep some of his convenient clothes at my house, other words we were playing house and that was good enough for him.


    On January2, 2006 I was off from work, (mind you I didn’t see him all the weekend I didn’t even get to bring in the new year with him all he did was leave this sorry *** message on my phone because he couldn’t get through talking about happy new year I‘ll see you soon, well I didn’t nor did he call). Soooooo On January 2nd I was off from work and decided to go to the mall and who do I see him his son’s mother and his son!! WOW what a smack in the Face! I asked him what he was doing and he told me to relax and that they came up and he wanted to buy his son something before they left and a blah, blah blah I told him to give them cab fare and let’s go, he did and we left, we starting to fight when leaving the mall so he didn’t go home with me he called me and he apologized and tried to explain and come up with fifty millions lies that I fell for, Once again I let him back in.


    I told him this was it he had to fully commit and move in and change his ways or it was over needless to say he didn’t move in, but he would come every night to the week and brought a little more clothes to put in the closet over the years I would say he had a total of 6 outfits = (2 casual 4 Party clothes which he just didn’t bother taking home the next day after we went out and partied) He didn’t come to my house on the weekend of April 7th , I had enough !! so when I Saw him that following Monday I asked him for my house keys and I told him that he doesn’t need them he has a home, after that he didn’t come over for a week then he called me and asked me for one of his suits he had at my house and I told him I would pack up all of his clothing because being that he doesn’t live with me and doesn’t have access to my home anytime he wants I felt he should have all of his clothes at his house , so I packed them all up and put them in my car so when he met me to borrow my car they were in the trunk , so since April 7th he hasn’t stayed one night at my house.


    I spoke to him on the phone today and asked him what was going on with us and he said I should know all of the answers because I’m the one who seems like I know it all because I packed up his clothes so I said to him what does one thing have to do with another so you don’t come around anymore because I took away your little comfort of having your cake and eating it too , I told him I can’t take it anymore and he has to commit I don’t know what kind of marriage we have we don’t live together I don’t know where he lives I cant get in contact with him when I want to , I always have to call one of his friends , I told him that I am tired and that he either has to shape up and commit or it’s over. He told me he can’t move in until he is steady on his feet just in case I kick him to curb or throw him out , and he can’t take that chance because he has seen it happen a lot, so I said forget it because everything in life is a chance and you should do it because you want to do it and if you really wanted to do it you would have done it years back , he sat very quite on the phone and just listen as I just told him how I felt like he has feeling for me but feels like I am not the one he really want to be with , then I had another call that I had to take so he said he would talk to me later or something and I said ok , and that was it.



    I feel like a loser!!! I am a well grounded person , I have good job, personality, good qualities and a great mom , & friend , I’m very family oriented and I have a lot morals and values , Maybe I’m just a little too good . Man, I think about how I use to treat this man my car that I lost was a BMW and I would just give to him whenever he wanted it, Every trip we went on I paid for, I use to buy him clothes, shoes jewelry everything and I’m talking about quality nothing but the best, I never asked for anything I would try to be perfect for him the wife outside and the ***** or *** in the bedroom always wanted to keep him pleased, What Is really WRONG ?
     
  2. SAMURAI36

    SAMURAI36 Banned MEMBER

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    Can I ask how old you are, and how old he is? You didn't state that in your story.

    PEACE
     
  3. jamesfrmphilly

    jamesfrmphilly going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    hello and welcome to Destees.

    you need to know when you are being played and react accordingly.
    rather than posting all this on the internet, you need to seek professional help.
    you are expressing very serious disorders that an internet forum is not equipped to help you with.
    you need a therapist or a counselor and/or a social worker who can work with you directly.
    you need some legal advice as to how to secure child support. any further contact with this male should be through legal channels.

    you need to find a women's support group where you live and get some backup for yourself.
     
  4. Kemetstry

    Kemetstry going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    *sigh* *smh*


    1. You have been used. All the signs were there. If you had waited to get married 1st, you would have seen them without all this drama

    2. He's a Mookie. Someone that uses sisters, then moves on

    3. I know you have invested a lot into the relationship, but it's time to let it go. He's using you

    4. You must now think of the child. She is the important one, not him

    5. He dosnt love you and probably never did
    6. Understand he dosnt love you and stop loving him
    7. Get a good divorce attorney and nuke your soon to be ex

    8. You MUST get past this or you will go from being in love to being in stupid

    9. There is someone out there that, once you're healed, will appreciate all that you did for the loser

    10. Heal and be ready for the winner
     
  5. Destee

    Destee destee.com STAFF

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    Sister Gotaluvme ... Hello and Welcome ... :love:

    First, let me say that i disagree with some of what Brother James has said.

    This is a perfect place to share this story, this is exactly what this community is here for. Not all of us have the means for a therapist, counselor, and/or professional help ... and to be honest ... i don't believe such is necessary, based on what i've read. But please keep in mind that i'm no professional in such matters, and could be completely wrong.

    Actually Sister, this is one of the reasons i started this community. I know many of us experience the same like situations, and often are left to feel we are the only ones that go through such, that we are stupid, krazee, etc., and all alone making terrible decisions. Well, let me tell you Sister, you are not alone! So lift your heard, compose your thoughts, and prepare for the rest of your life! It can be bright, exciting, and full of love ... without all of the heartbreak and pain you've shared above.

    Of course many may give their opinions on what you should do, how you should proceed, etc., but remember that you are not obligated to do anything anyone says, including me. You must always weigh everything, and make the best decision you can, for you and your children. Basically i'm saying, take all that you read with a grain of salt. Okay? Okay.

    You didn't mention your age, but if you have a 13 year old son, working, taking care of your Family and this man too, when he lets you ... i will assume you are a full grown woman, and not a child. Which is really the only important factor to me, when it comes to knowing someone's age on here.

    Okay ... now ... whew Sister !!! You have your hands full.

    I am honored that you have felt comfortable enough to share with us. It's probably not real easy to do, especially with strangers, but i bet there are some immediate benefits to you, from just doing this. If i were in your shoes, i think just getting it out of me, outside of myself, even being able to read my own words, and process all that i just wrote ... has the potential to be quite revealing and healing. I hope you've been able to experience some of that. If not, perhaps go back and read your own words again a few times. Let it soak in. Read them imagining that they are someone else's words. That you had come to this community, read that post, and wanted to give advice to that Sister. What would you tell her to do? How would you answer her question ... what is really wrong?

    After being in this community so long, having the opportunity to meet so many different people, i've learned that we are not all the same. We don't all have the resources within us, weren't all given the proper tools to make good decisions, don't all have the same foundation to stand on, weren't all given the same love and security during our most formative years, and all of this manifests itself in our adult lives.

    Even no matter that we weren't all given the same things, or don't all have the best of everything, we must still strive to live happy, productive, constructive, lives.

    As i read your story, so many flags went up. Your first 2 sentences spoke volumes. You fell in love with a liar, cheater, and manipulator ... and throughout the relationship you hoped he'd turn into some kind of prince charming. That's not going to happen Sister. I know it's hard to wrap your mind around, as you've continued with him so long, knowing all that you do. My concern, regarding what he'll turn into, is an abuser (actually beating on you), or a murderer. That is more in line with his recent and current behavior, than a prince charming is. You be careful.

    I hope this doesn't sound too harsh, as i'm not trying to hurt you, but you are what is wrong in this situation. You, your decision making ability, your love for yourself, or the lack of these things.

    He admitted he was a liar and cheater from the beginning, yet you accepted this. You have to quit accepting it. You have to believe you are worthy of much more than this. You have to begin considering the examples you are giving to your children, by allowing such chaos to be in your lives. You have to suck it up Sister, stand strong, and make some hard decisions ... decisions for just you and your children ... totally not counting him ... just as he has totally not counted you all these years.

    You must insist, that anyone who is in your life, must treat you with love and respect, or they don't get the pleasure of being in your life. I think it might be hard for you to do, as you've allowed the complete opposite for so long ... but that's okay ... we're Strong Black Women ... and we know how to do the hard stuff when necessary! :)

    I'm not going to speak on the particulars of your story, as they don't really make a lot of difference regarding the solution. You have to look at the big picture now, put the past behind you, forgive yourself for whatever errors you may have made, and vow to do your best from this point on ... in providing a safe, loving, warm, and drama free existence for you and your children.

    Do you know your children can feel your pain? Do you know that they go up and down, in and out, with every up and down you experience? If you knew your children were feeling the same pain as you, what would you do to stop the pain for them?

    Whatever that answer is Sister, that is what you need to do.

    This man doesn't love you Sister. If he did, he would never treat you this way.

    The most important question right now though, is do you love you?

    If you love you ... you will not allow anyone to intentionally hurt you ... over and over again.

    We have Sister Chat here on Monday nights in our voice chat room ... www.destee.com/chat ... i'd like to invite you to join us there, as we have many strong, encouraging, fearless Black Sisters that frequent there! You don't even have to wait for Monday nights, as every night the room is full of wonderful Sisters and Brothers.

    You just need to know that you are deserving of proper treatment. Somehow that lesson escaped you, but it's never too late to go back to school (of life) and pick up on the stuff we missed! I'm doing it all the time, a full time student of life, trying to learn what i didn't learn ... and unlearn some of the stuff i shouldn't have learned.

    Don't be too hard on yourself. Remain forever encouraged. You're doing better than some, because they stayed until their man killed them all the way dead.

    You aren't dead! You're alive! So Live Sister, Hurry and Live! :grouphug:

    I hope i've said something encouraging.

    Much Love and Peace.

    :heart:

    Destee
     
  6. IfUComeSoftly

    IfUComeSoftly Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Here we go again on the mookie...

    Brotha Kem... tell me how does a person supposed to stop loving someone else... outside of time and distancing yourself from that person... in whatever ways that you can... how can someone just stop loving.... I'm not saying that you infered/implied that it was an easy task... it's hard as the dickens... how can you go from number 6 to number 10????
     
  7. jamesfrmphilly

    jamesfrmphilly going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    love is not like the flu.
    it is very easy to stop.
    when you discover that someone has been lying, cheating and stealing on you, the love should stop right at that moment. it certainly would for me.

    if you cannot stop loving somebody who is no good i strongly recommend that you consult a mental health professional.
     
  8. IfUComeSoftly

    IfUComeSoftly Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    lmao... who is you? i was trying to get the sista a little more clarification... and thank you... i do see a mental health professional from time to time... but not about love... to keep by blowing stuff up...lol...
     
  9. Kemetstry

    Kemetstry going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    Dear


    Loving someone that doesnt love you is toxic for you. I didnt say it was going to be easy. But rather than allow the door to your heart to be wide open to a person that is using you, it would be best to bolt the door, change the keys and hire armed guards to keep the person at bay. Going thru the steps depends on the person you are. Some inject Mookie into them like a junkie injects heroine. The addiction can be the same. It may, in fact, take professional help to do this. Many are in so much denial and/or guilt, they just cant do it alone.
     
  10. jamesfrmphilly

    jamesfrmphilly going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    in that case U must be seeing the same one that i see........:bazooka:
     
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