Black Relationships : What if you are married but still feel the "desire" to explore?

Discussion in 'Black Relationships' started by geegee, Nov 13, 2004.

  1. geegee

    geegee Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Joined:
    Nov 13, 2004
    Messages:
    48
    Likes Received:
    2
    Ratings:
    +2
    Hello everyone, I'm new here. I've been married for 3yrs now and recently I've seen my ex at a nearby store. I was shocked to see him b-cus he moved from this state over 5 yrs ago and recently moved back( that's why we broke up, i might add). He isn't in a relationship now and was so happy to see me and wants to keep in contact. So, we do, I call him from time to time and talk about old times. But, to make the long story short, I miss this guy like CRAZY. He makes my heart melt every time I think of him, talk and see him. What do I do, how do I get over this feeling and why is this feeling so strong for a man I'm not married to? Can you ladies help me?
     
  2. panafrica

    panafrica Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Joined:
    Aug 24, 2002
    Messages:
    10,227
    Likes Received:
    191
    Location:
    The Diaspora
    Ratings:
    +194
    Welcome to Destee.com sister GeeGee! I hope you enjoy the site, and consider becoming a premium member. To answer your question:

    In my opinion as a married man. If you feel the desire to explore after only 3 years of marriage. It is because you either married too soon or you married the wrong person. Because of the strong feelings you have for your ex-boyfriend, I have a strong suspicion that you married the wrong person. I think the 1st thing you have to address are your feelings about the man you married. How is the relationship with your husband? Is there something missing in your marriage that you think the ex can fill? Is your husband the love of your life, or was he a guy that filled the void of losing your ex-boyfriend? These are the questions you need to ask yourself. You also need to ask what can your ex-boyfriend do for you. Will he be committed to you, and is he worth ruining your marriage over? He moved back into state without telling you (I assume he could have contacted you if he wanted to), this suggest that he probably planned to move on with his life, before he saw you in the store. You might want to consider doing the same. Good Luck either way!
     
  3. jamesfrmphilly

    jamesfrmphilly going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

    Country:
    United States
    Joined:
    Jun 18, 2004
    Messages:
    32,002
    Likes Received:
    11,479
    Gender:
    Male
    Occupation:
    retired computer geek
    Location:
    north philly ghetto
    Ratings:
    +13,735
    if you feel the need to explore either get unmarried or negotiate an "open" agreement with your current partner.

    honesty is the best policy.
     
  4. Monetary

    Monetary going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

    Country:
    United States
    Joined:
    Dec 15, 2002
    Messages:
    3,299
    Likes Received:
    182
    Gender:
    Male
    Occupation:
    Economist
    Location:
    Detroit, MI
    Home Page:
    Ratings:
    +236
    GeeGee

    Unless there's something you're not telling us, stay with your husband.

    peace.
     
  5. watzinaname

    watzinaname Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Country:
    United States
    Joined:
    Oct 4, 2003
    Messages:
    16,340
    Likes Received:
    114
    Location:
    Northeast
    Ratings:
    +122
    I'm inclined to agree with Pan. But, I have a few questions. Have you been interested in other men since you have been married, or just in this instance? Do you think that perhaps seeing your ex stirred up some feelings that you thought were long gone, but aren't? And have you considered that there may be some things about this man that you will always love, but it doesn't mean you should have a relationship with him? The answers to these questions will be very telling as to how you should proceed.
     
  6. HODEE

    HODEE Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Country:
    United States
    Joined:
    Jul 2, 2003
    Messages:
    4,912
    Likes Received:
    613
    Gender:
    Male
    Occupation:
    (RF) Technician
    Location:
    ( Alonewolf ) California.. by way of the LOU
    Ratings:
    +795
    GeeGee
    I say what is here only because of this statement.

    So, we do, I call him from time to time and talk about old times.

    I know you asked for the ladies to reply. I'm going to come right out and say your sounding selfish. Self centered and prone to desires that will bring you grief. After you have a relationship with this old flame. He will probable up and leaving again, like he did before.

    The feelings for someone will linger, for years but you should not play with fire. You will be burned. Your already friends. Keep it that way, and avoid this guy if you can.

    If he cared for you he would respect your relationship and walk away. He sounds selfish in his desires. He has no regard for you if his intentions aren't to remain with you after you get all clingy, loose your marriage and want a long term relationship with him.

    If you open up and give in to him, he will just use you this time to get temparary satisfaction. Can you feel the guilt of cheating before you do it, or have you lost yourself in the heart beat of melting?

    Sex is so abused nowadays, if you do love him. It can be in a healthy fashion. I'm sure your husband would be hurt if he knew what you are thinking. It is no different, if your husband cheated you would be hurt and upset if he did the same. Divorce and get with this guy if this is what you want. But it's on you.

    I hope you don't think I'm being too harsh. It isn't my intent.

    Welcome to Destee.
     
  7. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

    Country:
    United States
    Joined:
    Mar 21, 2001
    Messages:
    69,983
    Likes Received:
    3,978
    Gender:
    Male
    Occupation:
    BUSINESS owner
    Location:
    Da~WINDY*CITY //CHICAGO
    Ratings:
    +4,178
    Those inner feeling you feel is what been their
    I must say PanAfrica gave you a prefect eye opener for you may have jumped
    the broom to fast or to fill this void until eyez meet again but any case you
    can get over it you married now allow this ex to move on and you should do the
    same those desires are from the way it was not the way it is now ! don't mistake
    yesterday with today and honor thy husband befriend with him but know your
    boundries let not old lust beat your new love , if you really feel for this guy then
    you need to see if he feel the same for you and what he offers you then what
    your mate is doing cheating would be a looser game allow self to revisit deeper
    inside and see the worth of going back to him , leaving your mate or fooling around
    stay with your husband and let those old feelings go .... Let me ask you this

    1 are you happy with your mate now ?
    2 is your ex feeling you like you are of him?
    3 is all this worth breaking your marriage up ?
    4 did you make this move to fast to fill a void ?
    5 do you want him or your mate ?
    6 this desire to explore was it there all the time
    or did you feel this way once you laid eyes on him
    again and felt this tingle ?
    7 is it sexual or a pleasure he gave you that you still feel?
    8 can you move past this tingle desire or feelings ?
    9 can you be sure he still the same guy now that he was before ?
    10 do you have respect for your husband and willingly to tell him
    the truth and be honest of your feelings ?

    stay at home sista and love thy mate but i wish you the best in whatever
    way your heart take you be safe and real to self Good Luck on this mix emotion ride
     
  8. PurpleMoons

    PurpleMoons Administrator STAFF

    Country:
    United States
    Joined:
    Apr 22, 2003
    Messages:
    9,146
    Likes Received:
    1,097
    Gender:
    Female
    Ratings:
    +1,102
    Considering the terms in which you's parted, It could be that unfinshed urge that you are experiencing. You said that you broke up because he moved away. For whatever reasons, you didn't go and he didn't stay, is a sign that you probably would have eventually broken up anyways.

    Perhaps you should gather all those feelings and apply it to your husband. I don't know what type of relationship you have with your husband, but if you are still in love with him, then it would be a mistake to venture out. This is probably a phase. I would like to call it the what if phase. What if this guy would have stayed, what could have happened. This could be the reasons you are desiring him. Plain old curiosity.

    You should reevaluate what your husband means to you. Why did you marry him. What do you expect from your marriage. Has he provided you with that since of security and love that you expected. Also keep in mind that no one is perfect. Everything worth having takes work, discipline, and dedication.

    It's a tough call Sister! But ask yourself if giving into your desires worth losing your husband and all that you's have built in those three years.

    I wish you all the luck! I hope that you will do what is best for you and is prepared to accept the outcome of your decisions.
     
  9. panafrica

    panafrica Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Joined:
    Aug 24, 2002
    Messages:
    10,227
    Likes Received:
    191
    Location:
    The Diaspora
    Ratings:
    +194
    This is true brother Hodee, but in reality if a person does not have enough respect for their own relationship, then no one else will. No matter how enticing the other man/woman is...infidelity only occurs when the married person gives in!
     
  10. Radical Faith

    Radical Faith Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Joined:
    Dec 3, 2003
    Messages:
    1,818
    Likes Received:
    137
    Occupation:
    Operations Manager
    Location:
    North Carolina
    Ratings:
    +137
    Another man's point of view

    GeeGee welcome to Destee. I have been married about the same time as you have and once before. I admit I have had those same feelings about my exes sometimes but I'm always reminded that they're exes for a reason. This is why I say premarrital sex is dangerous. We all have had or are having premarrital sex, myself included. This is why I say you share more flesh you share your spirit. Those familiar spirits resurface and take hold to us sometime when we see a blast from the past. I also I'm in contact with my exes from time to time but as a friend and I tell my wife when I've spoken with my exes. You married your husband for a reason and those reasons, "I hope" are still there. What I do is stay away from reminissing and kept the conversation relevent to current events in your lives. If you can't do this then cut all ties with that person. Remember the present is present and the past has passed.

    God bless

    Radial Faith
     
Loading...
Similar Threads - married still feel
  1. godsschild
    Replies:
    43
    Views:
    12,122
  2. kente417mojo
    Replies:
    27
    Views:
    3,384
  3. IntuitioninMD_2
    Replies:
    8
    Views:
    335
  4. Fine1952

    Black Relationships : ***MARRIED MEN***

    Replies:
    2
    Views:
    432
  5. legit-writer
    Replies:
    12
    Views:
    1,124