Black People : What do you think????

Discussion in 'Black People Open Forum' started by batgyrl8123, Dec 23, 2002.

  1. batgyrl8123

    batgyrl8123 Member MEMBER

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    I need some help from the ladies and the fellas. I have been with my soulmate for a year and a half now. I am Madly in love with him and I feel that he is the same with me. But it wasn't always so great. We broke up..... my bad, let me correct it, he broke up with me, said he needed space and just wanted time. I was heart broken, because there were no signs that he needed space. Any how, he took his space. And I didn't want to be with anyone else ( my heart was still there with him ). So when I was out at a function I met this guy (when I say Perfect Gentleman, that is an understatement.) he was the sweetest and most considerate guy i have ever met. He and his fiance had broken it off 6 months prior. We talked and over the 3 months that me and my boyfriend were apart, we (me and the other guy) kicked it hard. Movies, Dave and Busters, Houston's.... you get the picture. And not once, did he even seem to look at me with lustful eyes. He told me that he enjoyed my company, as I did his. Well my boyfriend and I were still cool at the time, and he had been working on improving his life (he says for us, I believe that). So we got back and he treats me Great! (we have our arguements, but who doesn't??) We've been talking about marriage and the future and all that good stuff. But last Wenseday we ran into a problem. The Other guy. Well right before me and my boyfriend got back together I founds out that the other guy knew him, which made me a bit uncomfortable, because they have the same friends and I didn't want people to start lying and saying there was more going on then there was. Any way, when me and my man got back together I stoped talking to my friend that often cause I didn't know what to say. I told my man the truth eventually, but assured him that me and the other guy were really just friends. He said that he trusted me and that if that is what I say it is then that he can do nothing but go with it. Well my friend and I talked and everything was cool...... he wanted to meet up with me after work so that we could have lunch on Thursday (last thursday, he asked on last Tues.) well I was informing my bf that I wouldn't be straight home after work that day cause I was meeting a friend for lunch, when he asked who and I told him, he TOLD me that NO i could not go. That I would hurt him if I did and that it was inappropriate. The question comes to, am I not allowed to have male friends because of his insecurities? When HE broke up with ME I still didn't get with this guy because I loved him and I love him more now then I did then, and as much as I respect and love him, WHY can't I just have friends? Tell me what you think and I'll tell you what happened last thursday after work:wink:
     
  2. UPTOWNE

    UPTOWNE Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    DAAAAAAAAAAAAM you said a mouthful but you gave me a clear picture. Lemme say this about that! 1st if you gonna make it permenant thang with your boyfriend,why do you need ANOTHER male friend? (because your SOUL MATE is whom you reveal your soul to) What is left to share with this NEW guy? He ain't a lifelong friend! He was a crutch to get you through a hard time! a casual meeting with him at a social event is cool but you are making a date, with another man! You are sharing an intimate meeting leaving your TRUE LOVE? to twiddle his thumbs and wonder! (Thats not right, and its not cool. PERIOD!) You say that you are about to start planning a marriage and you still wanna date? (I know you don't see it as an intimate thing but it is! Who else is gonna be there? Is it just the two of you? Then its INTIMATE) No baby there something a wry here! A male friend is cool but you were datting this man. all men do not paw and claw at ya, and tell you how badly the want to bed ya! Relationships begin as a few innocent dates and then build into an exclusive romance! You were dating! (a boyfriend means you've given a man an exclusive that you will only date him) If you are not sure that you want an exclusive then you continue to date others! Furthermore The other guy wants to persue you for a more intimate relationship and is looking to find out where you and he stand. its not a bout friendship anymore! (If that were so he woulda been friend enough to keep it movin once you and your boyfriend got back together) Your boyfriend made a mistake by allowing the new guy an opportunity to move in, when he wasn't sure about what he wanted! The other guy is pissed that he let you slip away back to the arms of your boyfriend without a fight or a chance to profess his feelings! I will tell you this whatever you did do is where your heart and loyalty lies! What is crystal clear is that you are unsure! Or there would be no question as to what you should do! Bottom line bay! I WOULD NOT HAVE IT and NIETHER WOULD YOU! Try on his shoes!
     
  3. Thandiwe

    Thandiwe Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    i disagree. you should be able to have male friends. enjoying a lunch with someone who is just a friend is just that, a friend. if the situation was to get complicated by him wanting to be more than a friend then you would have reason to disconnect from him.

    your boyfriend has insecurities, perhaps pride, and shows some distrust in you. if this is true then perhaps you shouldn't be talking marriage yet. that's my opinion though. you also mentionec that you and your boyfriend has arguments. what are the arguments about? and this also is an indication to me that you two still need to work on your issues before talking about marriage.

    and for him to tell you that you can't go, that show some issue with control.

    i do have one question though. would you have a problem with him going out with a female FRIEND?

    now i would see a problem if you were giving more time and attention to your friend than you were to your boyfriend, but that doesn't seem to be the case.

    also, did you have any male friends before your boyfriend? have you disassociated yourself with them?
     
  4. UPTOWNE

    UPTOWNE Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    THANDIWE this is not personal so please don't make it that way but I wanted to respond to you I understand that you diagree with me, and that s all cool but the reasons why you disagree don't work here!

    Yes we all should be able to have friends! But this guy is a new aquaintance there is no history between them except for the brief time they spent together licking each others wounds! (over broken hearts)and I am not familure with all the places they went out to, but sounds like dates to me!

    BATGYRL said "We talked and over the 3 months that me and my boyfriend were apart, we (me and the other guy) kicked it hard. Movies, Dave and Busters, Houston's.... you get the picture"

    It ain't just LUNCH don't try to make it sound like its just a meal!

    BATGYRL made it clear "he wanted to meet up with me after work so that we could have lunch on Thursday (last thursday, he asked on last Tues.) well I was informing my bf that I wouldn't be straight home after work that day cause I was meeting a friend for lunch," May I ask, what kind of lunch makes you get home late from work?

    Yes he is insecure and you would be too if your boyfriend, lover husband wanted to continue a relationship (oh excuse me! my bad FRIENDSHIP) with a person of the opposite sex that he befriended while you were separated (mind you now this was some needed re-evaluation time that you requested)

    BATGYRL said" he broke up with me, said he needed space and just wanted time."

    Finally this friendship has all the warning lights flashing and the bells and the sireens blasting at ear ache volume I am surprised that you can see or hear them!

    BATGYRL said "I founds out that the other guy knew him, which made me a bit uncomfortable, because they have the same friends and I didn't want people to start lying and saying there was more going on then there was"

    Now again you maybe focusing on her final line when she ask's
    "WHY can't I just have friends?" FRIEND? thats the understatement of the year this FRIEND is a threat to her relationship he is in no way a friend! Its has nothing to do with control, and yes it would make anyone who has feelings feel insecure, and if you cared for that person you would cease the friendship! Don't try to make it alll about FRIENDSHIP! I have many single female friends some old some new, but none are what my wife considers a threat! BATGYRL gave a very detailed picture of what was going on. I read it, absorbed it and responded with a well thought out response. We may disagree but you are making a crossroads decission sound like and innocent friendship! I am sorry bay but I think ya missed it!
     
  5. batgyrl8123

    batgyrl8123 Member MEMBER

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    Thank you for all the opinons. Let me fill in the blanks a little more. First of all uptowne, I get off of work at 3:45 PM, I work right downtown, so he would have met me AFTER eork for an hour or two for lunch. My boyfriend usely picks me up from the train at 4:20. I told that I would be late because I wouldn't make it there by then. It was NOT a date. I love this man with all my heart, I coulodn't see my self loving another man. And lets just say that the "other man" did want me, and let me know that, then that is when all friendship ties would be broken. I have never cheat on him.... Anyone I was with before. And I would never purposely hurt him. I think alot has to do with the fact that he use to be a Playa. I mean we go out and gyrls are angry because he never made them his woman. I spend everyday with him, and we are NEVER bored with eachother, but in order for this relationship to be healthy we have to interact with other people without the fear of being cheated on. I have never been a playa, though I have alot of male friends. Me and him were and still are bestfriends, I am in love with him, and I know how he treated chickens in the past, so if anyone should be insecure it should be me. But if he were to tell me that he had a FRIEND (some one he had never slept with) that he wanted to sit and talk over lunch with, I would have ABSOLUTELY no problem. I strongly believe that if someone is gonna cheat they are gonna cheat! They don't need your permission. But I see the change in him and I have NO doubt in my mind that he loves me unconditional. The "other guy" knows it too, before he knew that he knew my man, he told me that he had heard talk about how in love is with me, so when he (the other man) found out that I was the one he was talking about, he knew that he couldn't cross those boundaries, even if he wanted to. And yes we went to nice places but you must understand that I am not a McDonalds chick. The fact is I love my man with every ounce of love that GOD has given to me, but I have had male friends before, as he had female friends. Now it was his decision to cut them off completely, maybe he didn't trust himself. But I trust myself and most of all my friends are male. ( I have 6 older brothers and I am the only female). I can relate to men alot easier and they taught me how to love this man. On the real, if it weren't for the advice of the "other man" we (me and My bf) may not have gotten back together. I am not trying to sway opions I am just trying to put my picture out there. So again I pose the question why can't i have MALE friends????? Thank you Thandine and Uptowne for the post, please let me know what you think
     
  6. UPTOWNE

    UPTOWNE Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    BATGYRL I didn't say ya couldn't nor did I say you shouldn't have male friends I said NOT that MAN! Not if you all in love like you say you are! And by the way what did you do on Thursday I have answered ya post 3 times and ya still ain't told! Wus the matter a little shame in your game?
     
  7. batgyrl8123

    batgyrl8123 Member MEMBER

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    LOL naw at no shame uptowne
     
  8. Thandiwe

    Thandiwe Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    uptowne, there was no personal attacks in my response. if you see me disagreeing with you as an attacks then you are wrong. don't let my interactions with kemestry cloud your judgment. i respect people as long as they respect me. people often say the people have to earn respect. i don't feel that way. i feel that you give respect to everyone and if they aren't deserving, then that's when respect should be taken lost.

    my reponse to baygyrl remains the same. as in my private message response to you, if she was cheating she wouldn't have told her boyfriend.

    and there has to be trust in a relationship. usually people who are worried about their mate cheating are capable of cheating themselves.

    and i still think he was control issues. to tell batgyrl that SHE CAN'T GO, instead of expressing his feelings.
     
  9. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    out of respect u stayed and if he loved u he would
    do the same but he also must understand it was only
    a friendship thing u should be able to have male friends as he female friends if their is trust and honesty then it's nothing to
    worry about !!!
     
  10. ZeroGravity

    ZeroGravity Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    batgyrl8123, it appears that you are seeking some sort of validation to justify your decisions up to this point. You're not asking the question 'why you can't have male friends?" because you answered it yourself in your quote "most of all my friends are male..." in my opinion, what you are asking is 'why can't this guy be my friend?' ... UPTOWNE addressed that already.

    Now your BF is being labeled "insecure" because he has a problem with you having lunch with this guy, or in this case, meeting him after work. Your friend knows your BF, I'm just asking, why would he not inviite both of you to "lunch"? It's funny because I've seen scenarios like this many times on discussion boards where something did develop between the parties and the BF was labeled 'naive' and comments were "he should have seen it coming" etc.

    Anyway, I understand the trust thing and there is nothing wrong about having friends of the opposite sex, and there is nothing wrong with having lunch with said friend, and with all that said...if you have to ask this about a particular friend...the question was asked for a reason, you need to know the reason.