Black Relationships : Weekend trauma.. need advice!

Discussion in 'Black Relationships' started by Tears, Sep 18, 2004.

  1. Tears

    Tears Member MEMBER

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    Hello ya'll
    Am new here, most likely am the only non African posting... hope you guys don't mind.. as I find this site helpful and I like the strong bondage you have here. So, am hoping you can help me...

    Here's my situation... am Canadian Chinese dating a young African male who I adore. :love: He is from Cameroon, came to China to study. We've been together for 1 year. I love this man so much :heart: that I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I treat him like a king.... do anything and everything for him. I know he is young, inexperienced, a journey ahead of him but I want to be the one beside him, to give him the support.
    He knows I'm down with him but I don't know how he feels. Lately am getting mix signals, sometimes hot sometimes cold.
    We use to spend alot of times.. on weekends we would go clubbing together. The last few months things started to change and I started to feel insecure, at times suspicious since he wanted his space. I understand and respect that... but when weekend rolls around its a problem. I know he is not a player but there is temptation and influences from his hommies.
    Here are a few senarios why I get upset :censored: .. but he thinks I'm being obsessive, that everything got to be me. You be the judge.. Am I?
    -when I'm planning the evening to be with him he tells me at the last minute that he is meeting his friends and leaves me hanging
    - he has me waiting for 3 hours or more saying that he is coming soon while he is still out having fun
    - he doesn't dance with me when we're out yet he dances with other girls and he knows I get very jealous
    And as a result every Fri & Sat I try to find out his moves. :argue:

    I tried talking to him but don't know how to make him understand that I'm not trying to control him.. just want him to be more considerate to my feelings. I always let him know who,where,when I go out so I ask the same from him.

    I don't know what to do... feel insecure... hurt... need advice please!!


    Thanks
    Tears
     
  2. HODEE

    HODEE Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Welcome

    Welcome to Destee :spinstar: Tears. :spinstar:

    " I know he is young, inexperienced, a journey ahead of him but I want to be the one beside him, to give him the support. "

    May be he is feeling smothered. Is he younger than you? Sounds like he is being well taken care of by you. Many men would enjoy that kind of attention and pampering.

    Your letting him take you for granted. :crying: Love has you blinded. Like it does to so many. If he doesn't come like he said, and your sitting by the phone. Waiting at home.

    :teach: He doesn't deserve you.

    He is young like you said. He wants his cake and wants to eat it too. He may be fooling around.

    What he is doing is disrespecting you in public. :uzi: In America we say kick him to the curb. Don't shed another tear on this guy. :crying:

    Don't entertain spending your life with him. Because what you see is what your going to get. Never ignore the signs in the road.

    Love has a way of doing that to us. Emotions taking over the hear and mind. Find yourself someone to love, that gives you at least their time. You seem to be a compassionate person, patient person, kind heartd and gulable to a degree if you allow me to say that. No longer fall for his line. It's time for him to grow up. Time for you to wake up. Face the truth or die crying and trying to clean up and understand why nothing leads to nothing.


    -when I'm planning the evening to be with him he tells me at the last minute that he is meeting his friends and leaves me hanging

    Maybe you did. Or maybe you didn't tell him or he knew you planned a special eveing. But unless he is coming home to you. Communicating to you. He is doing it to and with someone else. His friends mean so much to him. Leave him to his friends. They aren't yours, because they are his. So you should move on. I wouldn't want to be with like minded fools...

    Keep smiling Tears. :heart: When you deliver the good news. He has his freedom. You have piece of mind.

    - he has me waiting for 3 hours or more saying that he is coming soon while he is still out having fun

    When his sexual appetite is boiling over. You can bet he comes running quick.
    Cut this young man out of your life. There is someone out there for you. More deserving.

    - he doesn't dance with me when we're out yet he dances with other girls and he knows I get very jealous

    No longer a problem. You and he are thru.
     
  3. jamesfrmphilly

    jamesfrmphilly going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    you are enabling the behavior.
    communicate clearly what your concerns are.
    if there is not an immediate change, move on to the next guy.

    meet solo.
     
  4. atomicangel

    atomicangel Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I agree with HODEE...

    Oh yeah,

    Welcome to Destee! :toast:
     
  5. Monetary

    Monetary going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    Welcome to the Destee.com. I hope you are enjoying yourself. Please share your thoughts and life experiences with us...only if you want to...and we will share ours with you.

    Having said that, I would like to speak on a couple of things in your following statement.
    [emphasis mine]

    First, no, you are not the only NON-African here. We have several NON-Africans on this site. They share with us and we share in return. So, relax, kick up your heels, and enjoy everything the site has to offer. In order to do so, you should consider being a Premium Member. :D

    Second, I truly hope you meant BOND and BONDAGE. Those are two different words. Although we have the right to speak our minds here, we still must be careful of the words that are used when communicating with others. You really don't want to offend anyone...as you wouldn't want anyone to offend you. :D

    In reference to your situation, I agree with Hodee.

    Peace
     
  6. Tears

    Tears Member MEMBER

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    Thanks...

    First of all I would like to apologise... my mistake.. for using the wrong word.

    :thanks: for the advice..
    He is not all that bad... am not going to terminate this relationship just yet but will try a different approach by turning down a few notches on giving him so much.. hopefully he will realize that he had a good thing going.
    If it doesn't work then I know what to do...... I pray that I don't have to go there.

    You know.. people take each other or things for granted.
    The moment you're about to loose or when it's gone then they realize the value of having it.

    Appreciate what you've got.. before it's too late!
     
  7. jamesfrmphilly

    jamesfrmphilly going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    YOU are clearly enabling your own situation.

    everyone here has told you what to do, yet you want to continue to be disrespected.

    YOU place your own self in BONDAGE!
     
  8. panafrica

    panafrica Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Advice is like any other gift...you have to accept it to take full advantage of its use!
     
  9. toylin

    toylin Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Let it go, James.... Some people are not ready to let go.

    Also, hello, Tears. May I ask why you started this thread asking for advice if you were never planning to have an open mind to it? Yes, we all have to make our own decisions as we know best what is really going on. However, as someone on the outside looking in, you are definately giving him the go ahead to treat you badly by staying in the situation. This is where he begins to think, "oh, I got her. she's not going anyway." He will not change until you make it clear you will no longer accept that type of behavior. Yes, letting go is hard. But do you REALLY want to hang around someone who professes to love you but acts the opposite? Actions speak louder than words........

    And that's

    JMO
     
  10. Solo

    Solo Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Yeah, you're wasting time with that guy. Meanwhile there's some other poor slob out there who might treat you a lot better, but you'll never meet him if you're wasting time with Mr. Cool. Unfortunately, it appears this happens a lot. Good luck either way.
     
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