West African Adinkra
Sankofa – Reach Back Get It
Learn from the Past
When I had my first child in particular, I love him immensely, but I was not a very good parent. I would dare to say I was even abusive.
I was hurt, and hurt people hurt people. Hurt people commonly hurt people who are the most weak and the most vulnerable. What I describe in the post you gave kudos too – is how it
should be done, but was not something I had did because that takes patience and understanding of self. When you don’t understand yourself or why you do things, then you are subject to erratic and volatile behaviors due to bad circumstances or things happening your life that you don’t know how to handle or control. You lack patience. When one has kids, you’re not really looking to guide your kids, but looking for a quick remedy to make them behave and punish wrongdoing. It’s easier and quicker to whup a child, knock them upside the head, holla and scream and all that because its quick and it’s effective… effective in the
short run.
When I say KNOW YOURSELF and THE ANSWER COMES FROM WITHIN I am not just whistling dixie or sprouting off useless platitudes. I am straight serious and my experience mirrors what I say. Not only does my experiences mirrors what I say, but I have the knowledge, understanding, and fortitude to make those connections........
I’m hurting my children, why? What’s wrong with me?
I’m doing because I feel like crap. I’m hurting and I don’t know what to do or how to handle it. My toddler is crying and I don’t wanna hear it. Anger explodes and it’s quicker and easier to SMACK them down. Now they cry louder. Why do they want this attention from me? I am not interested in giving attention. Pinch them and watch them cry harder. OK, let them scream, I don’t care.
Why am I am hurting?
I am hurting because of what happened yesterday. Why was yesterday so bad? Because (this) happened, and I am tired of this happening. This has been happening since I was a kid. When I was kid, this was happening to me by family and friends and I wanted so much for it to be different. I thought it would be different, and yet I attracted the same kinda crap just in a different situation. Why did I attract this?
Well, what happened when I was younger?
My family didn’t treat me right. They made me hurt. Constantly.
Why were my family and friends doin this to me or acting this way?
Well my moms……..had problems…. and raised me in
that way. Not a good way.
And my dad……. had problems and raised me….
in no way.
Why did my parents have problems?
My grandparents…. had problems… and raised my parents in
that way…. not a good way.
So as a child, how did this make me feel? What did I want different? What was I lacking? How could that have changed me?
Well you know what? It’s time for me to be the change I want to be. I gotta try to do better. Different. What do I want from my kids? Do I want them to grow up with the same feelings that I had about myself and my family when was younger?
No, because then they will act like (this) and that’s not good. I know because that’s
exactly how I acted when I felt that way. Taking note of personal cause and effect.
So now I know what I was lacking that cause me to do this behavior as a child, and later as a mother. How do I change it? What do I do?
I do the opposite of the way I was brought up. Try to instill what I felt I was lacking or missing. Take note of how it affects me and my children. Watch the children. Do you like happy smiling children? Or do you like mean, angry, crying children? Definitely the former… take note and keep fostering that. Keep fostering until they get it and put it in the next generation.
Sankofa – Reach back and get it.
Learn from the past.
This is something I try to do personally but this is something we could learn to do collectively. We HURT. BADLY! But we ain’t really looking within to find the answers for change. We aint looking at our history and finding out how it affects us and our people. Some of us scared because it forces us to look at thangs we don’t wanna look at…. like with me hitting and pinching my children. Who wants to look at something like that? But we gotta. That’s what they do in therapy. We need mass collective therapy. But really…. We can be our own therapist and foster our own healing. Just look within.
We just gotta be OPEN and understanding of our own history, and not be scared of what we did. The propensity for change is great.
Sankofa – Reach back and get it.
Learn from the past.