Black Relationships : Was it a mistake?

Discussion in 'Black Relationships' started by Ebony Goddess, Jun 15, 2003.

?

Should a couple divorce?

  1. Yes

    3 vote(s)
    60.0%
  2. No

    2 vote(s)
    40.0%
  1. Ebony Goddess

    Ebony Goddess Member MEMBER

    Joined:
    Jun 15, 2003
    Messages:
    10
    Likes Received:
    0
    Occupation:
    US Air Force
    Location:
    Abilene, TX
    Ratings:
    +0
    Hello everyone. I am new here but I have a question. I am 21 years old and married. A lot of people say that's the mistake there but I don't agree. My question is that my husband and I have had problems every since week one of marriage. He is totally insecure and I have never had to deal with anyone that depends on me as much as he. When we were engaged, no one thought our relationship whould last. There was the age thing and then the fact that I'm black and he is white. He is the only white guy that I have ever dated. So I don't know if our race is causing the friction or if we are just not compatible. Let me give you example of the things that has happened.

    After my husband and I were married for 3 weeks, a friend (male) from high school called to congratulation me. The entire time I was on the phone with the guy I sat in front of my husband. After I got off the phone with the guy. My husband went off. Asking me if me and the guy ever dated and was I cheating on him.

    I told him that the guy was a close friend from high school. That I hadn't send him in over two years or talked to him in over a year. I also told my husband that he was tripping about nothing and I didn't understand his concern.

    That was one of the first arguments. Ever argument since has escalated in intensity.

    After being married for 8 months I am starting to think that I made a mistake marrying him.

    No for the question:
    Has anyone gone through this if you have what did you do?
     
  2. Destee

    Destee destee.com STAFF

    Country:
    United States
    Joined:
    Jan 22, 2001
    Messages:
    34,787
    Likes Received:
    8,982
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    betwixt and between
    Ratings:
    +9,680
    Hello and Welcome EbonyGoddess,

    You are young but not too young to be building a successful marriage. I don't know that his being white is the cause of your problems. They sound like the kind of problems that any couple could encounter, regardless of race.

    You mention that he was insecure prior to the wedding, yet you were able to tolerate it, marrying in spite of it. Now that you're 8 months into the marriage this same thing is stressing you to the point that you feel divorce may be the only solution? Perhaps look back at what coping skills you used during the courtship, that helped you tolerate his insecurity. Did you think it was "cute" then? Did his insecurity make his love look stronger? This is not all about his insecurity, but about your acceptance of it as well. You both are equally responsible for the condition of the marriage. Talk with him about it, which i'm sure you have, but with the emphasis that it's bothering you so much you are considering divorce. Give him a chance, many chances in my opinion, to try to do better. After all, you knew he had this "fault" before you married him.

    Marriages will have many issues that must be worked out. The key is for you and your spouse to process them in a healthy manner, so that you can move on and be prepared for the next issue that presents itself. Each issue that you resolve together, makes you and your marriage that much stronger.

    EbonyGoddess ... i'm on the outside looking in. Only you know how uncomfortable you are in this marriage. It's not against the law to get a divorce. If that's what you really want to do, it won't matter what anyone says or what he does to correct this issue ... you're going to get your divorce, and you should ... it's your life.

    Stay Focused Sister and Be Blessed.

    :heart:

    Destee
     
  3. NADIA*BINTA

    NADIA*BINTA Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Joined:
    May 27, 2003
    Messages:
    419
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    SUNSHINE ST
    Ratings:
    +1
    YES... experiencing the same situation... as i type!... i'm 23 and approaching the 10th month of my marriage... and it's sticky...
    started to take the poll but, my answer would be yes and no... depends on the situation, ya know?... i filed papers about 3 months ago... but didn't even make the 20 day wait period... needless to say the paperwork's on hold... but i am considering putting it back in motion... tired of the rollercoaster of emotion...

    on the otherhand... trying to work @ this thang... "for better or worse"... remember? :)... but this is hard :(... i'm trying to hang in there... if you can... do the same... if not do what you gotta do!

    peace
     
  4. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

    Country:
    United States
    Joined:
    Mar 21, 2001
    Messages:
    69,983
    Likes Received:
    3,978
    Gender:
    Male
    Occupation:
    BUSINESS owner
    Location:
    Da~WINDY*CITY //CHICAGO
    Ratings:
    +4,178
    welcome sistah welcome

    welcome to destee.com discussion & family
    welcome to the house of love & respect


    now surely your young new to marriage and this comes with it
    in all marriages their are things we all face in the bond ...........
    going in surely you saw his ways and yet you was willing to face
    it but becoming so insecured his inner emotions will only get
    higher to a fact when you go to the store he will feel you cheating
    on him , their was nothing wrong when an old friend was wishing you the best and he pose an arugment truely race has nothing to do with it , it's his insecurity and emotions that has him feeling this way at you
    only you can feel the heat and know the pain or problem that has now become wild and yes this can break one down you still have
    much to look for in life at your age

    now is the time to seek out his heart and know how he really feel
    seek the over all view of life with and without him
    allow self to face reality and what's true love in self and him
    ask what is it he seek in you and what he feel is a good wife
    allow self to take time and messure out the points of cons & pros
    go with your heart and emotions of feelings only you can answer these things from here ........the journey of love is togetherness that bring forth a bond inside that bond is trust and hope if one hold faith then their is love and understanding without this it's
    not going to happen only you can answer this !
    do try to make it last seek the things and weight it out
    if then you feel it's not working then it's not to be
    do what's best for you and your happiness , if it lead to a divorce
    so be it, think about your youth !.........GOOD LUCK on this rollercoaster ride of insecurity.....
    may the blessing be upon u sistah
    again welcome to destee's
    :wave: :wave: :wave: :wave: :wave: :wave: :wave:
     
  5. Ebony Goddess

    Ebony Goddess Member MEMBER

    Joined:
    Jun 15, 2003
    Messages:
    10
    Likes Received:
    0
    Occupation:
    US Air Force
    Location:
    Abilene, TX
    Ratings:
    +0
    Thank You All. You have given me something to think about.
     
  6. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

    Country:
    United States
    Joined:
    Mar 21, 2001
    Messages:
    69,983
    Likes Received:
    3,978
    Gender:
    Male
    Occupation:
    BUSINESS owner
    Location:
    Da~WINDY*CITY //CHICAGO
    Ratings:
    +4,178
    most welcome .......now allow ya feelings & heart guide u
     
  7. yaphet al-wynn

    yaphet al-wynn Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Joined:
    Jul 3, 2003
    Messages:
    445
    Likes Received:
    4
    Ratings:
    +4
    Hello. Hope your problem has been resolved. My opinion or advice would be talk it out and mandatorily BOTH of you go into counseling (as to cancel out the defensiveness and the finger pointing). And as both Ann Landers and her twin sister Abigail Van Buren said (RIP to both), the main question after all has been done before you consider getting papers is 'Are you better off with him or without him?' Timeless question that NEEDS to be asked before any final action is taken.
     
  8. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

    Country:
    United States
    Joined:
    Mar 21, 2001
    Messages:
    69,983
    Likes Received:
    3,978
    Gender:
    Male
    Occupation:
    BUSINESS owner
    Location:
    Da~WINDY*CITY //CHICAGO
    Ratings:
    +4,178
    i also agree ask self where you feel best with or without
    the myth or such act or the love he can offer and pose to
    you in whole .......this will be a promising start to recovery
     
  9. UPTOWNE

    UPTOWNE Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Joined:
    May 24, 2001
    Messages:
    116
    Likes Received:
    10
    Occupation:
    Electric Powerlineman
    Location:
    NYC
    Ratings:
    +11
    Ebony Goddess & NADIA*BINTA

    Wow you both married so young before you even enjoyed your single hood (being a chick, traveling, hanging with your girls, dating, your own apt, freedom all that) but love is blind. You do what you feel, may I add that I married my wife when she was just 21 we’d been dating for 3 yrs. Now we have been together for 26yrs. That's not a goal, a mark, nor is it the answer to your question, It’s just the result of one young woman marrying at a young age.

    You go with the feeling, now you ain't feelin him. I cannot say it was any different for my wife, but I know it was different for me I was very secure still am to this day. I can say the same for her. (I am not saying I am all that, but I have been hit on a few times myself. be that as it may I can come and go as I please, stay as long as I like and do as I want {respectful boundaries of course}) I knew for a fact that I married a very attractive woman, and that men would always hit on her. But it made me proud that I had someone that other men wanted, I never cared who she talked to, who she danced with, who she met or who she went with I knew she'd be going/comming home with/to me. As for her friends she had many, I moved into her town all my friends were at least an hour away.

    You cannot make someone who is INSECURE SECURE!!. It is a childish attribute that one must grow out of or suppress (Is it so nerve wrecking that you are considering divorce, or are there other problems as well?)

    Only you can say when enough is ENOUGH!!! I have a few questions that you need to ask yourselves
    Are you in this for the long haul or just till a better situation comes along?
    What was it that made you love him, is that wearing thin or was it just a superficial thing?
    Is he the ONE or is he the one you with?

    Finally in a marriage there are lots of compromises ones you must live with and ones you just won't! There are many little things that we have to do for our spouses that tear at our spirit as a person, that we give away willingly because it makes our true love happy. When it becomes work or a burden and you feel enslaved trapped a prisoner you must have the courage to make the necessary changes! This is your life you only get one, we all make mistakes You are young there is plenty of time to correct them. There is no shame in making the adjustment (talking it out, counseling, separation, divorce, moving back to your parents or moving out on your own) the shame will be if you waste years of your life living in conditions that you know are intolerable!

    Lastly LOVE is a FIRE, there are some people that love the flame so much they hold it so tightly that they SMOTHER it. As it dissipates into SMOKE they weep, for they never realized that LOVES FIRE needs air to burn!
     
  10. JAS

    JAS Member MEMBER

    Joined:
    Sep 6, 2003
    Messages:
    6
    Likes Received:
    0
    Ratings:
    +0
    Some great advice up in this thread.
     
Loading...