Black Relationships : was I wrong?

Discussion in 'Black Relationships' started by river, Oct 13, 2010.

  1. river

    river Watch Her Flow MEMBER

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    I thought my sister was handling things but it appears her life is falling apart at the seams. I really don't know what's going on with her. She never calls me except to borrow money or ask a favor. Her accounts of what is going on in her life just don't add up. Crisis after crisis.

    Last week she called and asked me to come and live with her. It seemed tempting since I have no family in the town where I am but this is the best place for me right now. Probably the only place where I can afford to live decently. I never liked the idea of living with someone in a place I cannot afford on my own because if they decide to get married or move somewhere else or by a boa constrictor for a pet why should the decisions someone else makes for their life disrupt mine? My father reminded me that I lived with my sister twice before and she treated me like dirt. He told me I am grown and can do what I want but he is not going to bail me out this time and he is not going to let my sister use me to get to his money like she did before.

    I recognize the temptation of being close to my nieces and nephew as a temptation not something to base an intelligent decision on. Inertia has always been on my side when people want me to do something I don't want to do. But two days later she calls me and is very upset. She asks me if she and her kids can come and stay with me cuz she doesn't get paid until the fifteenth and they will evict her on the fifteenth. ........s he tells me the charity people won't help her buy food for the kids. I can't let people live with me unless they go through the process of a background check and a credit check but she doesn't want to do that so she hangs the phone up in my face.

    Two days late she calls me from a friend's house wanting to borrow fifty dollars. I try to think of the most economical way to get the money to her since I don't have it in the bank and it would cost me twelve dollars to take a cab and then pay the fee for Western Union. Plus I am kind of tired of not knowing what's going on. She has a job. I don't. She is getting child support. I'm not. Plus she told our mother that she is working in the daytime but told our aunt that she is working at night leaving her kids alone. So I asked her what happened to her job. She tells me off. Tells me I insulted her and am not being fair and hangs the phone up in my face. I know when I've struck a nerve.

    Okay, we went through this before when I lived with her. I was paying half the phone bill so when they turned it off I called to find out what's going on. Turns out she and her husband had not paid anything on the phone bill since I had been there. When I ask her about this she gets mad. "You called MY phone company?" Next thing I know I'm calling the police from a neighbors house because she has locked me out of the house.

    I realize my sister has serious emotional problems. The doctors have her on medication for both manic and depression and a sleeping pill. But it's hard to think of her as the innocent victim of volatile emotions. I have forgiven her for a lot of things but I can never quite forget that she once bragged to be about being a good liar. And I cannot be shelling out bank for her basic needs and then be told that how she spends her own money is none of my business because she is grown, etc. I am her only family now that her husband has left her for another woman and our mother has decided she can do nothing but pray. My sister has treated other people so bad and she and her husband have been so careless with their money, writing bad checks and not paying their bills that now she has run out of fools and nobody wants to help her.

    A Sunday school teacher once told us the opposite of love is not hatred. The opposite of love is indifference. That leaves me in a state of cognitive dissonance because I love my sister and don’t want to be indifferent towards her yet I don't want to be co-dependant to a problem that really isn't my problem. My biggest fear is that they will take her kids away from her and I know that will push her over the edge. A few months ago I had a vivid dream of kids staying with a suicidal maniac. I can't even talk honestly about what I feel and think with her because she would be devastated and talk about killing herself.

    I'm not sitting here pulling my hair out over this but I think about it everyday so I know it is having some effect on me. Thanks for your support and patience. If this were a boyfriend, some man who was doing me wrong I’d know to leave his @$$ alone and not be dumping on other people about it. But family relationships are not so easily dispensed with.
     
  2. MsInterpret

    MsInterpret Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I understand that this is your sister, but you are in no means responsible for her...

    She is obviously making some sort of poor decisions in her life and is lying about her situations to more than one person.

    Just because you love someone does not mean you have to take their abuse...She is cursing you out and yet and still she expects you to give her a hand out....That's not right...

    Is this the same sister who was M.I.A. and you were concerned about if she was going to commit suicide?
     
  3. truetothecause

    truetothecause Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Hey SiS River....

    I hear and feel your pain. Family ties are NOT easily dispensed with as you state. You may or may not 'know' my style, yet, what I do is help people find the answers they already have within them. To do that, I ask questions and assist with moving and throwing out ish that is not helpful to the cause presented. Towards that end and as I listened, I am first wanting to know:


    Where you wrong about what:?:

    btw...I made an audio response when you posted about her suicidality..just never posted it:em2300:


    Mama Earth
    :hearts2:
     
  4. river

    river Watch Her Flow MEMBER

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    Hey sista MsInterpret.

    Yes it is the same sister
     
  5. river

    river Watch Her Flow MEMBER

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    I mean was I wrong to ask about her job. In light of her emotional instabilities was I wrong to let her know I suspected what she was telling me may not be true?

    If you would like to share your recording I'd be happy to listen to it.
     
  6. MsInterpret

    MsInterpret Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    No I don't believe you were wrong in asking her about her employment situation...

    I would have asked too if I got conflicting stories from two different parties that she had told.

    It isn't necessarily you being nosy, it is just a concern for her and her kids.

    Sometimes blood is not thicker than water...You may have to let her alone for her to figure things out on her own...even though it may be hard for her to do.

    She is responsible for herself...I know you are worried about the well-being of her children, and I myself don't like to see children being taken away from their parents, but in some situations things like that have to happen if it is in fact a danger to their well-being.

    I'm not sure how she is with her children, but her actions could affect the way these children grow up...and that in itself may not be healthy.

    I can't say that she needs to be admitted because I'm not a psychologist but she sounds like she is very self-destructive and not thinking rationally...And it sounds like she is more than manic and depressed, she sounds like she had multiple personality syndrome too...And it is obvious that no one else around her wants to deal with her and her antics any more...and neither should you...she is a bully to other and herself.

    Sometimes leaving a person like that along can sometimes make a situation worse or it can help them.

    Don't feel bad...you seem to have done all that you can do.

    I'ma pray for you and your family.
     
  7. Enki

    Enki The Evolved Amphibian STAFF

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    I had to cut my family off for the same reasons and I feel no regret. I have lost money,in the hundreds of thousands trying to help my family that are lairs,cons,and thieves. My sister was the last one to cut off for thinking that I was put on this earth to raise the kids she choose to have,and pay the bills she choose not to pay. Everybody has to "wake-up" in their own time and own way,and I've seen people on both sides.

    My advice to you is to do what makes you feel comfortable because you are the one that has to live with it. If it takes you losing everything before you say enough is enough,then that's what it will take. But I suggest you don't take it that far,my sister was and is nothing but a user. Also,don't let your guilt get the best you,people like that feel no guilt about using you.

    Peace!
     
  8. Mikha'el

    Mikha'el Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Honestly i wouldn't raise a finger....i would pray for her n leave it to God...i have 2 brothers one of whom thru wittnessing what he has done to my parents thru lies and irresponsibility i know i would'nt trust nor help...let her figure things out for herself
     
  9. Enki

    Enki The Evolved Amphibian STAFF

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    I agree bruh Mike!
     
  10. river

    river Watch Her Flow MEMBER

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    That's very interessting that you should mention multiple personalities. Although 'm not sure what it was in my post that make you see that, the truth is I have sometimes wondered. I saw it when I lived with her in California. This was before my operation when I was profoundly deag. She did something really mean to mee one morning before I went to work. When I gaot home I determined that i would just go to my room and not say anything to provoke her. She said Hi like everything is everything. Like she had no memory of what had happened that morning. When I tried to walk past her she got scared saying what's wrong why are you acting like that. It was like she knew something was going on but did not know what it was. I had a strong feeling there was a spirit in that apartment. I knew from a dream that it had something to do with a doll. Only later did I find out that she had bought one of those Polemon dolls for her daughter and it was all over the news about its effect on people. But a spirit of rage gripped that apartment. I was somewhat influenced by it but not much because I am more perceptive than receptive of spiritual influence. But totally took over my sister. She was beating her husband who was trying to hold her back to keep her from beating on me. I finally baracaded the door with my bed and cclimbed out the window with my suitcase.

    But I said it was because of the doll and thaough once she got rid of it she would be okay. Then I would say it was because of type 1 diabetes. Type 2 diabetes runs in my family but even though it can make peole erracible it doesn't make anyone else in my family do the things she does.

    I think you and Enki and Mike are right. I should just leave her alone. I've done it before and she would give me one of he come to realize speeches. I get tired of those speeches. Like I said inertia is on my side. I am in the place where I have peace so all I really have to do is do nothing.
     
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