Black People : Was I really being selfish

Discussion in 'Black People Open Forum' started by legit-writer, Jun 30, 2009.

  1. legit-writer

    legit-writer Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I went to Kansas City not too long ago to visit some people. First, let me give you a back ground of it so it the situation I post will be more clearer:

    My aunt is one of them. She my dad's (whom doesn't want anything to do with his children) sister. I was not lucky to grow up with my family. So now that I'm a grown woman, every time I go back there, I hope to run into my biological family members.

    Okay, going back to the story, I went up to my aunt's job (she works at a motel) and we talked for a little while. We both agreed and made it clear that we were going to spend some actual quality time together that Saturday or Sunday, such as me going to visit her house before I head back home. Well Saturday came and she said she was on the boat gambling. So I thought "ok that's cool. we have tomorrow to hang out". The next day came, she said she couldn't make or gave me some type of what I felt was a phony excuse of why she can't see me.

    I went back home not even getting to spend the time with my aunt that I was hoping to spend. I was hurt but at the same I was kidding with her when I sent her a text, saying "It seems you didn't wanna see me at all" and then I was jokingly said that she "hurt my feelings". She texted me back, saying I am selfish and saying that just because she's an "older woman" doesn't mean she doesn't kick it like I do. Then she went on saying that "if a guy asked you out on a date, you would say yes to him too"... when i didn't even know she went on a date. All I knew was, we had plans to get together.

    Like I said earlier, I have not really seen my family since I was a child, and I have been trying to develop relationships with my family. First I tried with my biological father; turns out he doesn't want anything to do with me. Then I tried connecting with my brothers, we were in touch for a short period of time, but they keep vanishing and reappearing. Last I checked, my mom is in her own little world (drugs).

    Okay, maybe I got off the main subject. My main question is this: Based on that situation with my aunt, was I really selfish because of what I said? If so, I really need some insight on how, because my side of it is saying that I am just tired of what is supposed to be my family bailing out on folks and acting funny.

    Thanks to whoever took the time to read this post.
     
  2. Khasm13

    Khasm13 STAFF STAFF

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    nope....u were on point...who doesn't want to spend time with family members they haven't seen in awhile?
    by the response ur aunt gave in ur recollection...she sounded kinda selfish...
    i hate to say it but this scenario sounds like there are some deeper issues at hand than making up excuses not to spend time....

    i hope things work out....

    one love
    khasm
     
  3. cherryblossom

    cherryblossom Banned MEMBER

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    This part is the crux of the situation. There was a mutual agreement to meet and spend time together, but SHE chose to place other activities before YOU.

    She chose to go gambling on Saturday and had, allegedly, accepted a date.

    No matter what, SHE chose to do other things with her time rather than see YOU.

    So, NO, YOU WERE NOT BEING SELFISH. You spoke with her and you both agreed to spend some time together, but SHE reneged on that agreement.

    Whatever she did that weekend, it was more important to her than being with you.

    It could be that she was uncomfortable being with you. Maybe she thought you would press her with questions about your father.

    I don't know. Just a guess.
     
  4. legit-writer

    legit-writer Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Her and My Father Don't Talk

    I ran into her a few years ago, and we done already discussed my father. She says she doesn't talk to him anymore because he was acting funny, but the thing is the very same thing she said he's doing, it seems she is doing it herself... We have nothing to talk about as far as my dad, so I hope your statement isn't implying that it's my fault that she doesn't want to see me.
     
  5. cherryblossom

    cherryblossom Banned MEMBER

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    No, LW, I was not "implying" anything. I merely posted an observation, and you have dispelled that.

    So, you're back at square one. I already said that given the circumstances, it was SHE who was inconsiderate, not you.

    But, again, whatever she did that weekend, it was, obviously, more important to her than seeing you, even with an agreement to meet.

    IMO, if your father behavior is "acting funny" and your aunt's behavior is as well, perhaps, you are better off without any interaction with that side of your family and further exposure to this, seemingly, "family trait."

    Sometimes, you just have to cut your losses and move on.
     
  6. legit-writer

    legit-writer Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I agree with you

    After she was saying I was selfish and all, I replied with saying that I know what to do next time, meaning next time I go back home. In other words, I'm not going to bother to see her. I'm going back out that way this coming weekend. Thanks for your responses. They're appreciated.
     
  7. Siren

    Siren Active Member MEMBER

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    ookkk

    I don't think that you were being selfish, but I hate to say it to you, but you are not on your aunts list of priorities. She has been living her life without you being a constant staple in it, so that means that you and your feelings are going to be put on the back burner. You are not close to them as you said so, a relationship takes time to build. Unfortunately, with family we often feel that they should automatically think of us as family first, even if we haven't been a major part of their life. It hurts but thats the truth. Also she's older so she could be looking at it as she is trying to live her life to the fullest since she's older. You might have to sit down with her and explain that you are trying to build something that up until now was none existent. Good luck
     
  8. cherryblossom

    cherryblossom Banned MEMBER

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    I can agree w/Sister Siren here. Perhaps, if you are still willing, you could make one last-ditch effort to reach and reach out to this aunt.

    However, I can also appreciate you not wanting to set yourself up for more hurt and disappointment.

    Either way, it's your call, of course; and I wish you peace with it.
     
  9. cisslybee2012

    cisslybee2012 Banned MEMBER

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    Sweetie, I'm so sorry about your family situation; but I know just where you're coming from because I don't exactly have rapport with my family either. But forgive me for saying this but your aunt sounds like a real space cadet. I wouldn't worry about her if I were you. What you need to do is create a family of your own, because the whole world is not gonna let you down just because your family did. But you got to make an effort, a diligent effort to make alliances with new people who will accept you as family.

    Family is in the heart, not in the blood. Travel a bit, and make some new friends, but choose your friends wisely, and the only family you've truly got and need is you; and if you have children, them. Concentrate on preserving what you have, and take your time to build new relationships with others. We all are family, it's just that we all don't know it.

    Understand me baby?
     
  10. Josef

    Josef Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Not selfish...and yes, it sounded, even though you say you were joking, like you were pretty upset, and dissapointed by not spending any time with her...but do not feel bad about it. He for whatever reason he has, never spent, or took the time, so your aunt needed to be sensitive to that. it wasnt like you could come down the block and visit. She should have made it an appointment to make sure she saw her niece, or let you know, that the weekend wouldnt work for her.

    many times though certain events can slip our minds, hey, we're all human right?...so with you feeling that way, the best thing I think that you should do now, is either send her a letter explaining how you feel, and that you still look forward to spending time with her, and maybe tell her "perhaps I should have planned my trip a bit better, its just that I was so excited to get to hang with my family"

    this way you arent totally letting her off the hook, but also letting her know that hey I have let that too go....btw.. was there any reason why you were not able to join her boat gambling??
     
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