Poetry Critiques : Wandering Eyes

Discussion in 'Black Poetry - Get Your Flow On!' started by MANASIAC, Feb 2, 2005.

  1. MANASIAC

    MANASIAC Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Wandering Eyes


    I know, you get tired of my eyes
    Peeping out, at one girl to the next
    I know you sometimes wonder
    Why my eyes wander

    I want you to know
    These eyes, wander about, in reverence of you
    and every time they wander
    They wonder, what would this little moment in life
    Be, without you

    My eyes wonder
    My eyes wander
    …and see other women
    Yet at the same time
    My eyes realize, that these women
    Would have kept me, in a stagnated prison

    When my eyes wander, they see beings, which cannot compare
    When my eyes wander, they realize, that you, my goddess, are too powerful
    You change the emotions of me with your beautiful stare

    So always remember
    That my wandering eyes
    Are in a full gaze
    A fix, focused
    On you
     
  2. angelicsage

    angelicsage Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Manasia you know I think that you are, without question, an incredible writer but this poem doesn’t really showcase the talent, I know you to possess. Although, I like the concept it lacked the punch and creativity that I usually find in your work.

     
  3. angelicsage

    angelicsage Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    All of my suggestions in one flow…

    I know, you get tired of my eyes
    Peeping out, at one girl to the next
    I know you sometimes wonder
    Why my eyes wander

    I want you to know
    These eyes, wander about, in reverence of you
    and every time they wander
    They wonder, what would this little moment in life
    Be, without you

    My eyes wonder
    My eyes wander
    …and see other women
    Yet at the same time
    My eyes realize, that these women
    Would have kept me, in a stagnated prison

    When my eyes wander, they see beings, which cannot compare
    When my eyes wander, they realize, that you, my goddess, are too powerful
    You change the emotions of me with your beautiful stare

    So always remember
    That my wandering eyes
    Are in a full gaze
    A fix, focused
    On you

    Because you are my #1 prize[/QUOTE]


    Overall, I think it's a great poem, full of emotion, introspection and heartfelt.
    It just needed a little work, structurally. Other than that, I really liked it.
     
  4. Khasm13

    Khasm13 STAFF STAFF

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    great critique sage...let's see what man has to say...

    one love
    khasm
     
  5. MANASIAC

    MANASIAC Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I hate to be the bearer of bad news :).

    Thanx for the critique but the poem was meant to be short and straight to the point. I must concede that it was written to someone who understood it perfectly, so I really should not have posted it because it lacked a universal theme.

    However, I do appreicate the love tho. I will make the edits sage mentioned and see what happens :)
     
  6. moham

    moham Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I know this is no critique, but just wanted to say: nice piece!
    Also: very useful suggestions made by Sage!

    :heart: moham
     
  7. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    i really took this piece in and understood
    the structure of it and it's goals the concept
    was nice through the wondering eyes
    brutha i think if you didn't express the wondering eyes
    as much the true depth of it would come out
    i really enjoyed your creativity here .
     
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