Poetry Critiques : untitled

Discussion in 'Black Poetry - Get Your Flow On!' started by smoothsoul, Oct 23, 2006.

  1. smoothsoul

    smoothsoul Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    *Who am I*
    im the all or nothing...the essence of truth and bluffing
    father of oops and "umm think"...the uncouth and trusting
    loose and busting...with the capability to create worlds
    the owner of all the cosmos...
    re-arrange worlds...with the most effortless blink of an eye
    the one who knows that i'll do it...never thinks that i'll try
    linking the skies...with tear drops im connecting the dots
    manufacturing diseases, simultaneously inventing the shots
    answer to the "how come" ****...omega and the alpha ****
    the source of all that B...in fact the source of the alphabet
    the cause of mental trances see, the wave in a relaxin sea
    even created blasphemy, I am the universal answer key
    the course of the plot the very source of the thought.......
    what they will call me is God.

    *In the Beginning*
    times an irrelevant race, as bleakness envoloped the place
    ideas that never took shape were not developed with haste
    im the cleverest ace, but none exsist to bask in my wittiness
    so im shifting quick, create companions before the pity hits
    hands encompass all, begin to create light ever so lavishly
    satisfy my thirst for smart beings with the milk of the galaxy
    filled wit dark cavities...so i sighed deep and created the rock
    im creative alot...so i made vast hills that detonated in spots
    caused seperation, water...and something great took its form
    sparked love in me...before sands of time were late and forlorn

    *The Favoured Ones*
    strife wasn't enough..decided that i would breathe life in the dust
    now three forms...the ghost, the source, and christ who they trust
    a special man was this...and yet he was lonely and companionless
    so i took a rib for a wife...and to thier children gave the manuscripts
    mankind was sped on its way...but i had to let electronics wait
    ...so i sat back and calmly ate my dinner off of tectonic plates
    way back then.....lightning wasnt seen, thunder wasn't heard
    and from my idle moments spawned the wonders of the world
    so, although belated it was finished...man created in my image
    then i gave him a pen and a pad...to get creative to the limits
    finally with a pledged kiss of poise...and an alleged lift of noise
    i bestowed my final present...
    the double edged gift of choice
     
  2. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    very nice this piece needs nothing but a publisher !
     
  3. Monetary

    Monetary going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    Poet...

    Nice piece.

    I think you naturally wanted to rhyme in this piece and got off track somewhere. Maybe this piece was forced a little...not waiting for the right words to come to you.

    You should read this piece in voicechat. We'd love to hear it.

    :toast:
     
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